The Ramblings of Guise Dugal

They say that great minds think alike, but what they fail to add is that lessor minds like mine may also pick up signals from greater minds.

For the last few days, an idea evolved in my head that originated from DJ D and Dan complementing me on this blog, which I wanted some way to actually point out that it is down to them and my other friends who read here - and, reader, this may well include you - that I continue to attempt to keep this thing alive.

My first thought was back to the days of GeoCities, where you’d find websites from ‘young people’ with highly contrasting neon colours for text and background, and such varying case use in writing that it was a form of capitals punishment. Always the young people would include a line acknowledging the existence of their friends.

The idea grew to a more detailed element when I saw the re-occuring meme floating around LiveJournal that you write things that you think of are like a person (for example, a song that reminds you of them; what movie they would be). This seemed a little off-track, and I’m not a great fan of relying on memes.

The thought of acknowledgement wouldn’t dwindle. Instead, it took a different path and after indirectly coming in to contact with a rather distinct group of students, I actually did manage a ’shout out’, which to my knowledge is forever kept secure from an audience. It wasn’t detailed, merely an acknowledgement of how I thought they were decent people.

This brings me to today, where I wake up early, and in between other thoughts I consider how I could stretch this and say the things I think of with regards to my regular visitors. It’s about four or fives hours before I was thinking of dragging myself out of my covers, so to fill time I went to other people’s blogs, and through Doho’s I ended up at VeggieMacabre (Bill from X-Entertainment’s community), I sometimes pop by there in ‘lurk mode’ because he’s a great writer and seems to be very well structured with his thoughts on many different topics.

Then I notice, days ago he’d done a ’shout out’ and now I wonder whether I’d ever have been able to be as well-spoken about it as he was. In fact, I sincerly doubt my eloquence on the matter!

So, because I still want to issue my thanks, I will say that I love you guys - you all mean a lot to me in many different ways - and hope you keep coming to see me here. I’ll also add that if you haven’t read his stuff, go have a glance at Bill’s blog, it’s an absolute joy to read.

So, there I was quietly sat in contemplation - what I was contemplating I can’t quite remember, though it was likely maudlin introspection or pining - when I felt a sudden force strike me across the back of the head, startling me to my senses. My hand held to the back of my head, I turned with wetted puppy-eyes towards my attacker, only to find a grinning Kittymao looking back at me.

“Tag,” she laughed, “you’re it!”

“But…but, what are we playing,” I whimpered, still checking for any drawn blood.

She sighed, frustrated at my ignorance and explained, “Look, The Pilver tagged me to do this meme thing, and now I’ve tagged you and you have to do it too. Here are the rules: 1) Link back to the person who tagged you. 2) Post the rules on your blog. 3) Write six things about yourself. 4) Tag six people at the end of your post by posting links to their blog sites. 5) Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their site. 6) And let your tagger know when your entry is up.”

“Six things,” I sighed as I watched Kittymao dart off in to the darkened hallways of the internet, “man, I hope they don’t expect six interesting things.”

Six things you might not (want to) know about Guise and were sensible not to ask…

Guise has been mistaken for a girl or a skinny young boy in three jobs based on his telephone and email writing, as well as used to get mistaken for a girl in person during a very podgy stage of his youth. This has actually led to comments by colleagues when I first meet them in person of “oh my god, you’re a guy?” and to some very interesting emails before they met me. I’m not quite sure how they managed to confuse me, other than I speak very quietly on the phone.

I’ll often go over and above for friends. I’m not a very social creature, in fact I’m more the type who will slink in to a corner and hope someone will notice, come over and talk so as to avoid the dreaded ‘mingling’. I don’t talk to people in person easily and as such, have very few face-to-face friends (the number, seriously, is weepable).

Quite often, I have to stop myself from thanking people just for talking to me, as if it is a major chore. I find myself doing it in instant messages at times.

However, I do tend to get very attached to the friends I have and can, sometimes, go a bit overboard for them. If someone asks for a favour, I’ll do my damnedest to complete it and try to add more if it’ll help. I go a bit over on gifts and presents, not to impress but because the idea that they’ll enjoy it makes me happy. I take a lot of pleasure more from making a friend or loved one happy than anything else.

Guise doesn’t take compliments very well. This is one that has led to me being shouted at a lot of times by people who were giving me credit mere moments before, in that I really don’t know how to take compliments. Criticism I can handle.

If someone says something good about my work, I’ll play down my role or try to sell the job as ‘nothing’. At the same time though, I don’t like being unrecognised for my involvement, I don’t want praise for things I do but just to be appreciated.

If someone says something good about me then I’ll tend to self-depreciate myself almost immediately.

Guise often wonders if he has missed out on life and if he’s past his use by date. This affects quite a few people, I realise, but there are times when I realise that the chance for me to do things with my life are slipping or have slipped away.

I have reached a point where it feels that the chances of starting a new life, start a family, moving away, gain skills and knowledge, etc. all seem to be things that are getting increasingly unlikely.

I am my own lie detector and sometimes give ‘false positive’ readings. This is something I have learnt from experience, that if I try to lie or wind people up, I give off quite telling clues. For one thing, if I’m pranking or winding someone up, I’ve been told I get a twinkle in my left eye (an eye I’ve had surgery on as a child) that tips people off, this was often the only way people in the office used to know whether I was leading them astray. I also blush a lot.

As for ‘false positives’, as a child whenever something had gone wrong and no-one took responsibility, I would always have a guilty look on my face, not because I’d done it, but at the thought I still might get told off for doing it. That guilty look still remains whenever there is a problem. I also can’t make eye contact with most people, even if I try I get the compulsion to look to the floor, I have to be very emotionally close to someone to meet their gaze - which is slightly amusing because eyes rate as one of my favourite physical features (though quite a way after necks, shoulders, collarbone…).

Guise actually hates himself. There are very few people that I would use the term hate for, the list is so far limited that I must really have a deep personal feeling towards it and it’ll usually be because of being wronged too many times or to a great degree. I actually have a great deal of self-loathing towards myself and would be one of the few people I actually do hate. I feel I’ve let myself down, physically, mentally, financially and relationship-wise.

Hm, tagging. Well, do I know six people who blog and haven’t done it already? I know, if you haven’t done it, consider yourself tagged and then tell me!

Never let it be said that I shy away from a challenge, I do, but it’s mean to say it. I shy away from a lot of things, but I’m always willing to make an attempt.

The other day, for example, I wore my pink shirt (that didn’t really look too pink in the picture), because I said to Dio that the next time I used my cam I’d wear the pink shirt in tribute to her blog layout. I’d actually intended to wear it the next time I did a vlog, but who knows how long that would be.

Just the other night, whilst in conversation, I made a comment about how one of her friends was made of pure win because of the Earthbound plushies she’d made. They wanted it in writing and Dio, who as we should all be familiar with, suggested some cute stationary would be appropriate. In fact, she suggest Playboy bunny stationary. Whether she meant this seriously, I’ll leave to debate.

“I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul.” - William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Yes, I have pretty pink Playboy stationary in a small pad to send smiley letters. Isn’t in cute and quirky? I feel I should be writing with an abuse of capitalisation and colours already, and squealing a lot in high pitch.

So, yeah…smexy, cute and quirky!

Remember the Burger King posh burger from the twilight of last month? Sure, I talked about it in the post Wasted Money Or Food For Thought?

Well, I remember it and I remember saying at the time: they’ve even managed to ignore the outrage that spreads the UK from time to time whenever foie gras is mentioned.

I’m not sure if I should do a dance for knowing what I was talking about, or be humble and say I was wrong about ignorance and they are wise to controversies. I think I can go for the former, but humbly.

Burger King agrees to drop foie gras from £85 burger

LONDON - Burger King has pledged not to use foie gras in its £85 burger following lobbying from animal rights group Peta.

As exclusively revealed by Marketing, Burger King is planning to roll out what will be the UK’s most expensive burger. Foie gras, which is produced by force-feeding geese, was under consideration as an ingredient, but the fast-food chain said in a statement today that it will not be used.

A spokesman for the group said it had contacted ‘friends’ at the Burger King headquarters in the US to ensure that the UK plans were abandoned. Peta has worked with Burger King on animal welfare for eight years.

(Source: Burger King agrees to drop foie gras from £85 burger, BrandRepublic, 24 April 2008)

Now, I’m not particularly ethical about my food, to me if an animal didn’t want to be eaten in whatever manner we see fit, then it should evolve to taste like celery or gooseberries to help preserve it’s species from my tastebuds. Hell, if I’ll choose to eat venison at a Christmas meal, within ear shot of an annoying kid, and remark about Rudolph, ‘Donner kebabs’ and that scene in Bambi, to my fellow diners then I’m hardly going to give much of a damn about whether my food had a face.

That said, however, I’m not completely unsympathetic and do like it when something that is considered cruel is stopped.

The good side is that Burger King have taken a stance of compliance and conformity to what is becoming the prevailing stance on what counts as ’socially acceptable’ at this point in time.

The bad side? Unsurprisingly, PETA and Viva get a bit more air time. At least PETA UK seem a bit more down to Earth these days.

Rich Hall pointed out on television this one time how, despite his vast wealth, you never really see Bill Gates smile. See, billionaires who are happy and jovial are nearly always publicity hungry and constantly one with the crowd, Bill Gates is a grumpy sod because of a secret. Deep inside he’s had either childhood trauma, some freak accident or some underlying health condition. These have led him to focus his life on protecting others, using the technology he developed in secret that piggy-backs his business products, but never comercially released.

Either that or Bill Gates is just a miserable, antisocial, mop-haired man who doesn’t smile because those muscles died from extreme overuse the first time he saw his bank balance.

I saw Iron Man today, by the way.

No, actually the shirt is lightish-red. At least a very masculine and fertile salmon

It was the advanced screening all day at the local cinema, so Tim and I decided to hit the first showing at 11am. That was a really good call, because we got kick-ass seats (centre stage, but several rows elevated) that gave us a great view without any aching, and there were very few people there.

The film was freaking awesome for a superhero movie, and definately ranks as one of the better Marvel movies. Granted there were a lot of plot points that seemed to be lifted from Batman Begins, though understandably because both series have featured a lot of the same story types in their years. Don’t go in expecting a unique story, but go in anticipating a compelling one.

The movie was a great blend of action-adventure and moments of very good comedy, that actually got quite audible laughs from all around. The references to other factors of the Iron Man franchise or Marvel universe appeared fluidly, not shoe-horned in as a deliberate fanboy nod.

At the trailers beforehand, I was unconvinced about watching Robert Downey Jnr as Tony Stark, but the performance was top notch and captured the different stages that Stark had been through very convincngly and with great flair.

In fact, the casting was exceptionally good all around. I have never really been a solid Iron Man fan, I’ve caught the different cartoons and picked up a few comic books and crossovers, so I think that the basic foundation for an outsider to the series was very good. Granted, somewhere there may be voices of dissent from long term fans of the series, especially with the leaning more towards the style of The Ultimates, but as a jump-on point the characters work well. Hell, even the robotics and computers are exceptional characters.

The CG was very nicely done, great depths of texture and smoothness, and mixing in minor defects to the suits, as well as some of my favourite CG work on holograms and HUDs. As a whole visual effects were outstanding and gave a rush of excitement while also still managing to convince that it was somehow realistic. The level of detail given to the suit and, in a brilliantly put together piece, the process of donning the suit - from timed operations to move pieces in to place to the tightening and binding of parts - which although is a relatively small part, goes to show that a depth of thought has gone in to it.

Something that works in the movies favour is that there didn’t seem to be any slow grind or wasted time in the movie, which considering that it is just over two hours is a very convincing arguement for it’s storytelling value. This film is definately worth the ticket price.

One thing, stay until after the credits. I was out of the door but able to see, so I saw the scene but missed the dialogue. Fury, brief cameo, excellent choice.

Oh boy and gee wilikers, I just spent the afternoon seperating comics that I want to keep from comics that I want to part with. It’s quite a large amount, but not really enough to dent the collection too badly.

I haven’t actually sorted through what is amongst the parting crowd, but theres a pretty large selection of lessor comics and mainstream titles (I’ve got huge runs of Nick Fury and Ghost Rider amongst Justice, Grim Jack and DP7!).

So, the question is, is there anything anybody wants me to keep an eye out for whilst I sort through them to help a collection?

I’m still trying to decide what to do with the Tomb Raider, Witchblade, Harley Quinn, Power Pack, New Mutant and Generation X comics.

Limited time offer, which will end when I’m bothered to actually list stuff.

Yesterday, on one of my frequent trips to the toys section of the local Woolworths, I spotted that they were selling off some of the older discontinued ranges of the last couple of years. I fought an epic campaign between the sensible part of me that wants to save money and the bit that is constantly after shiny things (yes, sub-parts of Guise A, B and C - I need to name my split personalities better), I walked out with nothing.

After recounting the tale to Tim, my own mother and Dio, they all gave me the same basic message of “why the hell not, fool?”

Today, I needed to get some passport sized photos taken, so well I was out I caved to peer pressure and went back to Woolworths.

No, I’m not taking part in Naked Vlog, you can thank me later!

So, yes, despite not owning any He-Man figures since my childhood I am now the proud owner of resident second-stringers Mer-Man and Ram Man, two of the characters (along with Stinkor) less likely to be invited to the Eternia Summer Buffet and Ball.

Despite having a thrusting action for Mer-Man and a jumping action for Ram Man, and both having fairly nifty weapons, I was surprised to see the main selling feature emblazoned at the top of each pack was “Awesome Sticker Included!”, which I can’t imagine would sway a child one way or another. Telling them that the character has a funky special move might manage it, but stickers?

Granted, I’d have loved to have found a cheap Skeletor, Evil-lyn or Teela, but from the second stringers these two aren’t so bad a find.

What really got me was the price, there’s no arguing really when it gets below £2 each.

Essential Cybernetic Science Department, DugalCorp Headquarters

FC-D23: I hope you realise, organic, that your usurpment will not be forgotten.

Ryo: What a pity.

FC-D23: You might think that you are tough, but we are made of sturdier stuff.

FS1-D23-U3: Mainly composite materials.

Ryo: Ah-huh.

FC-D23: We are the great builders, the weaponsmiths…whereas you, you are a test pilot…a guinea pig…a…a…

FS1-D23-U1: Squidgy, fleshy crash test dummy?

FC-D23: Exactly! You should give me one reason, just one, why I shouldn’t just crush you and claim accidental control failure!

Ryo: One? How about…

Ryo: I know the codeword to trigger the brain-mines. I can literally blow your mind, you wont even be able to build a family hatchback when I’m done!

FS1-D23-U1: Gotta say, boss, that is a pretty good reason.

FC-D23: Yeah…yeah, he certainly got me. I think I need to go for an…oil change.

Moments later…

Ryo: So this is what all the fuss has been about, I’m rather disappointed. It looked a lot bigger in the schematics, but then sticking to measurements seems to be optional around these parts. The weapons leave a lot to be desired, it’s like some one scribbled a headless stickman and a shield. Oh well, better get the boss online. Hey, nice stereo.

Guise (B): Ah, Ryo! Tell me, how is my towering tyrant?

Ryo: I think it could overshadow vast nations, sir.

Guise (B): Excellent!

Ryo: Well, as long as the nations are members of the Lollipop Guild and live in bungalows…it’s a little on the, well, stumpy side.

Guise (B): But my weapons, they’ll cut a destructive swath through any opposition!

Ryo: Sure…

Ryo: …or, at least you’ll be well equipped if you have to cut ribbons or wrap birthday presents.

Guise (B): This is meant to be a dervish of a fighting machine, with weapons of awe-inspiring might. To crush opponents in my tyrannical iron fist!

Ryo: Ah, iron fist we’ve got that! Crushing, I’d like to run some tests on…but the staff have left.

Ryo: It does handle fairly well, it reminds me of a girl back at the academy when I was growing up.

Guise (B): Graceful and captivating?

Ryo: Constantly drunk and with legs that would fall open for any boy with cute hair. Ah, the number of times in my teens I rode in that coc…

Guise (B): Thank you, that’s quite enough of your sordid youth, Ryo.

Ryo: Interesting, I think maybe I’ve a screw loose…

Guise (B): Ryo, you’ve been trained by birth in my secret academy, through intellectual, physical, psychic and emotional regimes, you’ve had accelerated hormone treatment, co-ed facilities and dorms and free ‘net access since your emotional pre-teens. You’ve been trained in battle vehicle simulators, SAS methods and martial arts training. I don’t find it the least surprising or noteworthy that you are a deeply crazed individual.

Ryo: Well, actually, I meant there was a loose component on the floor and I wasn’t sure if it belonged to the mecha.

Guise (B): Loose components. Undersized war machines. Lack of vital weaponry. Ryo, someone has corrupted my experiment and when I find out who, they’ll be hell to pay!

Ryo: Hey, do you think maybe Santa just wanted to give you something to play wi…

Guise (B): Enough, I will have my vengeance! End transmission.

Ryo: Geez, so strung out. He should come with me later to chill with the post room, they always have the neatest Crayola sets.

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Ah. I must use speed and grace to my appointed errands from the upper management, bring honour to the Shuuhaijin clan and to my clan masters. It is my masters’ will that I complete my tasks dutifully, while we work our way up from mere messengers to the ranks of Chief Executives or Executors! Soon, our first stage will be complete. The mecha, with it’s sack carrying ability and letter openers of DOOM, will no doubt be up for relocation and our utilisation shall see effeciencies and promotion! The future belongs to the Shuuhaijin!

Shuuhaijin Yuki: But first, I better see if the Admin Pool needs any stationary requests to be filed…Muhahaha!

End!

I don’t usually comment much on the passing of celebrities, but a most recent passing has really touched me. One of my favourite radio hosts, and an accomplished jazz performer, Humphrey Lyttelton passed away yesterday at the age of 86. Up until the very end he was still touring with his jazz group and hosting radio shows.

Humph is an iconic piece of British radio history and was a wonderful humourist. His performance as the regular chairman of the comedy panel show “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue” since 1972, a role in which his portrayed attitude of a comically-grumpy, weary authority figure with a dour, deadpan nature, will forever be etched in my mind as one of the finest of British performances.

Thank you, Humph, for the silliness and the soul.

BBC Obituary

“…and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the lone piper of time appears at the gates of dawn, and Dawn throws open the window and tells him where to stick his bagpipes…”

Essential Cybernetic Science Department, DugalCorp Headquarters

FC-D23: It just looks a little ‘pedestrian’ to me, where are the high action and heavy artillery features. It’s got nothing remotely threatening.

FS1-D23-U1: Unless you count kung fu grip and spinning blade action.

FC-D23: It’s meant to be a giant robot that will crush spirits and structures, not Action Man.

FS1-D23-U1: Action Man had better accessories anyway.

FS1-D23-U3: So did Barbie.

FC-D23: All I know is that a rotating extractor unit is going to be covered in biological waste material if there isn’t a highly imposing weapon for this thing.

FS1-D23-U5: Maybe we can use this…

FC-D23: Unit 5, what the hell is that meant to be?

FS1-D23-U5: Dual chamber blaster, they mistook inches for feet on the schematics over in High-Yield Weapon Reasearch and wanted to get rid of it before the Ethical Evaluation folks tried to count it in our WMD asset pool.

FS1-D23-U3: What do the dual chambers do? What do they contain?

FS1-D23-U5: No idea, but they fill those two colourful tubes with liquid and it merges together before firing, we were kind of rushed so I didn’t look in the manual.

FS1-D23-U1: Where’s the trigger?

FS1-D23-U5: Eh, you know those guys, they build all those weapons and never build a trigger themselves. Someone might get hurt.

FS1-D23-U1: By a weapon? How inconcievable!

FS1-D23-U3: Well, I could set up a trigger instead the handle so that by mecha command the pilot could fire the weapon without squeezing a trigger.

FC-D23: No.

FS1-D23-U3: Control?

FC-D23: Do you realise how ridiculous that is? You spend ages building a giant war robot that can withstand impact, has fully shielded body parts, has targetting sensors built in to it and then…you build a gun that it has to hold and can risk dropping? A gun thats use would stop the ability to use it’s other assets…

FS1-D23-U5: Other assets?

FS1-D23-U1: Kung fu grip.

FC-D23: Just no, it’s idiotic…

Three hours later…

FC-D23: …give a damn about Gundams. It’s this whole humanoid approach. Look at BattleTech, they didn’t mind being rugged looking and integrated weaponry sensibly.

FS1-D23-U5: Well what about Transformers, huh, Optimus had that huge gun.

FC-D23: And got it booted away enough times, whereas Megatron and Galvatron had them mounted. Even Laserbeak and Ravage had the weapons seperated!

FS1-D23-U5: Sentai! The Megazords had the swords and stuff to finish off with!

FC-D23: Megazord would drop the sword! Dragonzord had fingertip missiles and spinning tail drill, and Mega-Dragonzord with missile launchers.

FS1-D23-U5: Ha, but later Megazords got all kinds of neat, interchangeable weapons to kick enemy butt…

Three more hours later…

FS1-D23-U2: It’s not so much heavy, as it is awkward to carry. We really need special training for this.

FS1-D23-U8: You know that no-on ever bothers listening to you, right?

FS1-D23-U2: Sure.

FS1-D23-U8: Then why do you keep going on?

FS1-D23-U2: I want to get sacked, paid off and then I can chase my dreams.

FS1-D23-U8: What dreams?

FS1-D23-U2: I want to be an gigolo for gynoids…

FS1-D23-U8: Niiiice.

FC-D23: …all you have to do is look at Iron Kong, he’s got huge fists and..

FS1-D23-U2: Control?

FC-D23: Not now…then the mount shoulder cannons and back-mounted missiles. Weapons in places that would be unused and wasteful otherwise, you don’t see…

FS1-D23-U2: Yeah, but we’ve got the control chamber constructed.

FC-D23: Fine, fine…them equipping him with ground-thumping hands that he then has to use to manually grip a weapon. He’s even build to absorb recoil. He isn’t the only one…

FS1-D23-U8: They’ll be like this all day now.

FS1-D23-U2: Screw it, lets just slot it in and get some downtime already.

FC-D23: …julas Giga with its claws, tail and teeth, and then it put the huge cannon on its back! Seriously, bolts for brains what were you thinking, that this was some genius plan? And another thing…

One Hour And Forty-Three Minutes Later…

FC-D23: …because quite frankly, I don’t give a damn about the aesthetic ideals when they compromise the actual capabilities…

FS1-D23-U2: Boss, we’re done.

FC-D23: Yes, yes…of a battle system. It is about combat and survival, not Miss Teen Battlebot in some beauty pagant in…

FS1-D23-U2: As in ‘done, done’.

FC-D23: Uh-huh…some geek-filled garage, where the judges are a acne-riddled Star Trek fanboy, a greasy-haired Star Wars “Leia” cosplaying fanboy and a guy who beats one off to the SatNav…

FS1-D23-U2: Boss, it’s…ready. to. use.

FC-D23: …voiceover! Wait, what?

FS1-D23-U1: Now that is just spiffy…

FS1-D23-U3: Spiffy-keen.

FS1-D23-HUD: …with whipped cream, chopped almonds, caramel and a cherry!

FS1-D23-U5: …mommy…?

FS1-D23-U3: So, Control, what do you reckon?

FC-D23: …

FS1-D23-U3: Control?

FS1-D23-U3: Bossman?

FC-D23: It is a thing of inadequately destructive beauty…and it is ours, all ours!

FS1-D23-U3: Ours?

FC-D23: Technically, all mine, but I may let you keep it serviced, Unit 3.

FS1-D23-U3: Ohhhkay.

FC-D23: …and Unit 1, you shall be allowed to maintain communications from base to me while I sue it to it’s full capabilities.

FS1-D23-U1: Gee, thanks.

FC1-D23: I will not forget the rest of this team though, I have jobs specifically picked for you all.

FS1-D23-HUD: Yay!

FS1-D23-U2, FS1-D23-U5: Crap.

FS1-D23-U8: …I call shotgun!

FC-D23: Shotgun indeed! Cannon fodder to be exact!

FS1-D23-HUD: Won’t the boss be a bit annoyed though?

FC-D23: Boss?! I shall rule and he won’t even see it coming!

<beep beep beep>

FC-D23: Unless he’s still watching the camfeed. Balls.

Guise (B): Report.

FC-D23: Oh, hello sir…

Guise (B): Re…port.

FC-D23: Ah, yes…um…this was a barely adequate achievement. I’m drafting a memo on it: mediocre accomplishment. I’m just finding it troubling to detail my lack of interest…

Guise (B): Really? I do hope you weren’t planning something nasty, because…

FC-D23: because what, sir?

Guise (B): …because it would be a shame to detonate the compact semtex mines implanted beneath your neural cortex, ‘bot.

FC-D23: Semtex…mines…

Guise (B): Well, you never know when you might need to…data cleanse on the ethnic scale.

FC-D23: I see, sir.

Guise (B): How very intelligent of you. Now, I’m sending my own test pilot to you. He’ll take over from your team to give me an analysis of your work and the mechas performance, and a breakdown of weapon capabilities…

FC-D23: Weapons? Sir, about the weapons…really, we can run the tests…

Guise (B): My pilot has clear instructions, he is capable.

FC-D23: Yes, but it’s a source of personal pri…

Guise (B): Semtex.

FC-D23: Yes sir, we’ll await his arrival.

Guise (B): Good, just remember this is for the greater good! We do what we must…

FC-D23: …because we’re mined.

FS1-D23-HUD: Hey, boss, hey! What did he say? Did he talk about me?

FC-D23: I’m so in the shit. Maybe we can gather everybody and cobble some weapons before that test pilot…

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Hai!

FC-D23: Son of a…

FC-D23: This is supposed to be a highly secured area, how do you keep getting in here?

Shuuhaijin Yuki: A true courier is master of himself and his environment.

FC-D23: I hate you. I hate you so much…

To Be Concluded!

Some of you may have noticed that the blog has been falling on its arse lately, returning error messages when loading or just plain failing to load at all. Apparently there have been ‘technical issues’ on one of the servers that my webhost uses and I just happen to be sat on that server.

As a result, I’m a bit behind on yesterdays posting and the system is having tamping fits still, so please bear with it while I offer it honey tea and Galaxy chocolate.

Less-than-three, all.

- Guise

Essential Cybernetic Science Department, DugalCorp Headquarters

FS1-D23-HUD: So, how are the Arm Alliance doing, boss?

FC-D23: HUD, are you going to continue to insist on creating bad team titles or do you intend to avoid a trip to the trash compactor?

FS1-D23-HUD: You prefer Limb League, right? I knew I should have gone with that!

FC-D23: Rrr. FS1-D23-U8, status report.

FS1-D23-U8: Well, I followed the instructions that Unit 3 issued and I think I’ve done a succesful assembly here.

FC-D23: You think?

FS1-D23-U8: Well, the spindly bit went in to the jagged circular bit…

FC-D23: You have no idea what you are building do you?

FS1-D23-HUD: It’s Zebedee!

FS1-D23-U3: Actually, HUD, it appears to be a cog mechanism used to produce rotational movement.

FC-D23: That doesn’t sound much like the weapon methods I was expecting…

FS1-D23-U3: Crayon, again.

FC1-D23: Any idea how it will work?

FS1-D23-U3: Well, I can only see the schematics step-by-step, but I think I’ve extrapolated what happens. First, I’ll fit this…

FS1-D23-U3: …here. So, you see the first cog connected to the power supply turns and that rotates the second.

FC-D23: Why not just rotate the first and be done with it?

FS1-D23-U3: It’s either for spacing, or just to show off superfluous mechanics.

FC-D23: I think I believe the latter.

FS1-D23-U3: This white spacer unit gives distance between the mechanism as well as acting as a mounting bracket, and seems to be sturdy enough to take minimal impact.

FC-D23: What about recoil from…Hell-drawn Abyssal Cyclone Shield, Demonic Wings of Fury, a devastating multi-phaser armament or Penance Missiles?

FS1-D23-HUD: Ooh, I didn’t know you did impressions…

FS1-D23-U3: I think if the pilot sneezed, the arm would fall off, let alone if it tried to fire a weapon.

FS1-D23-U2: Don’t think that’ll be a problem…

FS1-D23-U2: …I’m not sure the weapon systems are as top of the line as first marketted. Prepare to be amazed.

FC-D23: WHAT THE?!

FS1-D23-U2: Impressive, huh. If you close your eyes, you can almost hear the lameness breathing out of it.

FC-D23: Are those swords?

FS1-D23-U2: Yes.

FC-D23: Mounted on the Hell-drawn Ayssal Cyclone Shield?

FS1-D23-U2: Well, mounted on the crayon-drawn emerald circle.

FS1-D23-U3: Blackened swords, mounted on yellow brackets attached to a shiny green shield.

FC-D23: Who the hell hires these people?!

FS1-D23-HUD: I think it looks fetching…

FC-D23: There’s swords in freakin’ brackets?!

FS1-D23-U3: Control, are you sure they said abyssal, not abysmal?

FS1-D23-U2: It at least protects the mechanisms.

FS1-D23-U3: Protects the superfluous parts at least, the main drive cog is completely open.

FS1-D23-U2: Maybe it creates an impassable field in motion or cuts through attacking artillery?

FC-D23: They are swords…swords in brackets…

FS1-D23-U3: Unit 2, unless the attackers are armed with Nerf rockets, we’re pretty screwed…

FC-D23: Let’s get this mounted, before I impale myself on it.

FS1-D23-U3: It seems pretty weighty, I’m not even sure how stable it’ll be.

FS1-D23-U8: So, what am I doing again, Control?

FC-D23: It’s vitally important that you stand there and are prepared to catch the very important shield should it fall.

FS1-D23-U8: The very important shield that was so heavy it got all of us to lift it?

FC-D23: That’s right.

FS1-D23-U8: The very important, so heavy it got all of us to lift it shield that is equipped with twin sword blades?

FC-D23: That’s the one.

FS1-D23-U8: Is there actually a chance of it falling?

FC-D23: Oh, I hope so, Unit 8, I really hope so.

Later…

FC-D23: It’s been three hours and that damn shield is still in place.

FS1-D23-U3: Sorry sir.

FC-D23: I even through tools at it, nothing. I’d be disillusioned if the tools hadn’t fell off the shield and hit Unit 8 anyway.

FS1-D23-U3: Hopefully this may be an improvement then. The other arm appears to have a lot more wiring and hydraulics incased in its seemingly non-descript boxes, I think it may actually have some capability to it. I just have the shielding and final components to add…

FC-D23: Unit 3, that is looking strikingly not like a multi-phase armament. Are those at least missile launchers on the tips?

FS1-D23-U3: Well, they have some ignition system but no actual weaponry. That step seems to have been scribbled out. I do have some good news though, I amped up the hydraulics so this thing should have a better grip.

FC-D23: Really, then we need a test subject?

FC-D23, FS1-D23-U8: Unit 8, come here please!

FS1-D23-U8: Crushing chasis…compacting engine block…

FC-D23: Hehehe.

FS1-D23-U8: Request…permission…return…to…shield catching…

FC-D23: Hehe, I haven’t had this much fun since that time we welded HUD to the side of that prototype cruise missile…

FS1-D23-U3: …and then fired it down the mine shaft.

FS1-D23-HUD: I still get nauseaus when someone fast forwards a movie.

FC-D23: Those were the days.

FS1-D23-U1: Well, there it is.

FS1-D23-HUD: Armed and dangerous.

FS1-D23-U3: Mildly dangerous.

FC-D23: Is anyone else feeling this is getting to be…less than imposing?

FS1-D23-HUD: I think it looks pretty.

FC-D23: HUD, how would you like to take over Unit 8’s shield-catching duties. Become a real teamplayer?

FS1-D23-HUD: Oh boy!

There had to be a ‘villain’ post today, I couldn’t just post about Loli and Fast Food. I needed to cover another arch-villain in the UK, and I chose Darth Vader! No, not the British giant David Prowse from down in Devon, but more a Welsh imitator.

There is so much to this story, it’s hard to know not whether to laugh, but at which point.

Drunk Darth Vader’s Jedi assault

A man posing as Darth Vader attacked a Star Wars fan, who had founded a Jedi Church, a court has heard.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, from Holyhead, Anglesey, admitted assaulting Barney Jones and cousin Michael with a metal crutch. They suffered minor injuries.

Hughes, who was drunk and dressed in a black bin bag, shouted “Darth Vader!”

Earlier, when Hughes failed to arrive on time, District Judge Andrew Shaw issued an arrest warrant, adding: “I hope the force will soon be with him.”

In the event, Hughes turned up and the case at Holyhead magistrates court resumed.

The court heard he had jumped over a garden wall wearing the bin bag before the attack.

Outlining the case againt Hughes, prosectutor Nia Lloyd said Barney Jones had recently started the Jedi church in Holyhead - in honour of the Star Wars’ good knights. It had about 30 members locally and “thousands worldwide”.

The cousins had been filming themselves playing with light sabres in the garden before the attack.

Hughes admitted two charges of common assault.

The court heard he has a “chronic alcohol problem” and had drunk the best part of a 10 litre box of wine.

Mrs Lloyd said: “He was wearing a black bin bag and a cape and had a metal crutch in his hand.”

Mrs Lloyd said he was shouting “Darth Vader”.

She added that Hughes hit Barney Jones over the head with the crutch, leaving him with a headache.

He then laughed and hit Michael Jones in the thigh, causing bruising.

Both men were left upset by the incident and they believed it was pre-planned.

She added that the pair believe “very strongly in the church and their religion”.

Hughes could not remember the incident and only realised what had happened when he read about it in local newspapers, the court told.

Defending, Frances Jones said alcohol was “ruining his life” and he had no idea where he got the crutch from.

The court head Hughes had previous convictions, including affray, assault and disorderly behaviour.

The judge warned Hughes that jail remained a possibility before adjourning for pre-sentence reports until 13 May.

(Source: Drunk Darth Vader’s Jedi assault, BBC, 22 April 2008)

Earlier in the year, the BBC had run an article on this Jedi church, which really sounded like a fanboy wet dream and included what I can’t read without the completly wrong image of Comic Book Guy in my head: Although the current members are all men, women are not excluded, as Barney Jones points out: “Princess Leia helped them out a lot.” (Source: Force strong for new church)

The idea of Jedi teachings sounds alright, as much as any other belief, when taken out of context, but to actually base it strongly on the movies I just find slightly humourous.

Not as much as the mental image of a grown man in a Darth Vader mask and bin bag screaming “Darth Vader” and leaving victorious after inflicting a headache and minor bruise. I’m surprised no wedgies were involved.

I’m a geek at heart, I think that’s pretty much a given, but there’s always some geeks that make you feel much more normal.

I enjoy the PC game Civilization, it is one of the strategy games that I like the most and has perhaps remained one of the strongest of the genre after many years through its evolving technology in sequels.

One of my favourite aspects of the Civ series is that you don’t have to resort to violence to cripple an opponent, you can use your own spreading culture to have people turn to your way of thinking. Demonstrations of style and taste, combined with the wealth to support such luxury, can have people abandoning their own way of life to support yours.

Wars are fought, not by sword and catapult, but by elegance and refinement. It is a gentle battle of wits, played by superpowers, with domination in mind.

McDonalds and Burger King, two long-term rivals, have seemingly attempted to switch from wars of trade and value, to wars of culture and influence. Both seem to have missed a point along the way.

McDonald’s savours designer look

Restaurant giant McDonald’s is providing its UK workers with new designer uniforms, in a “mark of respect” for its staff. The new outfits, designed by Bruce Oldfield, include a polo shirt and baseball cap, both in black and mocha.

McDonald’s said its staff did a “challenging job” serving two million people daily. The new outfits would help them “feel good” in their role.

Bruce Oldfield’s clients include Jemima Khan and Catherine Zeta Jones.

Mr Oldfield said it had been great fun to design the “contemporary look” for employees at the fast-food firm.

The outfit also includes black trousers and a black belt.

For managers, the outfit involves black suits combined with shirts in white or biscuit and a selection of three ties.

McDonald’s has been trying to improve the image of working at the fast-food chain. It has been campaigning to change the dictionary definition of “McJob”, which has been used as slang to denote low-paying, low-prestige employment.

Designers working with companies to design workwear have a long history.

Sir Hardy Amies, one of the Queen’s favourite dressmakers, worked with British Airways in the 1970s to design uniforms for its air crew. Since then, Roland Klein, Paul Costelloe and Julien MacDonald have all added their creative flair to BA’s uniforms.

Bruce Oldfield himself has worked on other corporate wear. Most recently, he was responsible for the outfits worn by the hospitality hosts and hostesses at the new Wembley Stadium. And in the 1990s, he revamped a number of strips for Norwich City football club.

Designing clothes that people must wear for several hours a day is not without its problems. Bruce Oldfield told the BBC that one of his earlier designs for the McDonald’s uniform had to be withdrawn after trials.

“We found that there was one design of shirt that chafed. We had to get rid of it because we didn’t want our boys’ or girls’ nipples chafed,” he said.

As for colour, brand expert Graham Hales warned that designers should choose carefully. “Colours like red can be difficult to wear with some skin types, so you have to design against that,” he said.

(Source: McDonald’s savours designer look, BBC, 23 April 2008)

The new look, tied in to the revamp of the stores, tends to be giving the look of a coffee shop in establishment and employees, and in the case of the managers and supervisors, an old fashioned bank. The brown scarf and dark blouse approach seems more akin to flight attendants.

McDonalds are obviously trying to slip away from the family theme, and more importantly the child-orientated past, and this could well be because of the problems and criticisms it has faced because of the rising statistics of childhood obesity and the appeal of it’s food as a quick solution for meals.

Unfortunately, the outfits seem ridiculous and impractical. The current red-and-gold polo shirts are at least fitting for the social and recreational image of modern McDonalds, and the ‘value range’ of simple and inexpensive. They are trying to get out of the views of McJob’s by changing uniform, which is the same as changing the paintwork of a car to enhance performance and handling.

If anything, McDonalds needs to retrace it’s family feel, but educate families better. It is much better to be looked on as simple and smiley, than prententious and idiotic.

At least Burger King aren’t being pretentious…

Cheeseburger to cost beefy £85

FAST food chain Burger King are to serve up the world’s most expensive takeaway – costing a whopping £85.

There’s no common old meat in this burger. It will contain top-quality Kobe beef from Japan. And instead of ketchup and cheddar, it will be garnished with foie gras – a goose delicacy – and rare blue cheese. But BK customers will still be able to buy regular fries and a fizzy drink to help it down.

It will be launched in selected branches next month, with London’s upmarket Kensington and Chelsea tipped to get the posh burger first.

At £85, it is in marked contrast to deadly rival McDonald’s who offer a budget burger for just 99p.

Launching the most expensive takeaway in town may seem odd during the credit crunch. But Lucy Barrett, of Marketing Magazine, said: “The idea of a burger that no one buys is not as ludicrous as it seems. Burger King will use it to promote a gap in perception between it and McDonald’s. It could lead consumers to reassess the quality of the brand.”

(Source: Cheeseburger to cost beefy £85, The Sun, 23 April 2008)

Doh.

Now, I think Burger King may be a little overwhelmed with the success of the Angus burger and recent Whopper crazes (I still want the Spiderman 3 Dark Whopper back), they’ve even managed to ignore the outrage that spreads the UK from time to time whenever foie gras is mentioned.

Now, the battle is hard, but really when you can’t fight any longer by arguing about taste or value, is it really the best option to go to the extremes of who can waste the most money?

Here’s a hint, both BK and McDonalds used to have the best toys in Happy Meals, used to offer the best parties, did the best student discounts and didn’t care about a McJob label as long as the employees were content.

The abuse of the general public changed it, and there is a question about how much you can hold a company responsible for that if they make pertinent information available. Sometimes, the public have to recognize themselves what is a ’sometimes food’ and a bad habit, and not blame a faceless entity for their mistakes.

Take what worked in the past, use it as your foundation. McDonalds, bring back Ronald, Grimace, Hamburglar and friends; BK just try to keep perspective, and get shot of that latex mask.

Watch this, I’m going to quick step round an issue that I actually have deeply conflicting views about. On one hand, I dislike chavvy families where the children are bought up as gym-slip lovers and sexualised from the moment they are out of Pampers, on the other hand, sometimes Japanese interests are quite fetching.

Guess what, The Sun is outraged and not pulling punches!

Well, seeing as it’s part of their editorial Women section, I suppose they can be as unbiased as they want. Then again, it’s The Sun, they hardly ever just ‘report’ news.

What has them so hot under the collar? Well, the fact that some young ladies may be inspired to dress ‘hot’ under the collar.

A FRILLY, lacy, see-through thong, a pair of provocative hotpants with the slogan California Babe posted saucily across the bottom and a selection of padded, push-up bras.

It might sound like a selection of clothes from a sexy lingerie boutique. But the haul shown here was from children’s sections of High Street stores and the internet.

Supermarket giant Tesco came under fire recently for selling a padded push-up bra for girls as young as seven.

So we decided to hit the High Street to see what other products are marketed for young girls. And the results were very disturbing.

Worryingly, pre-teens and early teens are being encouraged to boost their non-existent cleavages and sport inappropriate messages on their underwear.

Tesco’s fall from grace isn’t the first time a major retailer has come under fire for selling similar products.

Indeed, every time a shop gets into trouble for putting on sale inappropriate clothes for youngsters, new products soon appear.

Just last month lingerie chain La Senza provoked a storm of controversy after launching an underwear line for girls as young as five.

The range, aimed at five to 12-year-olds, contained lacy-cropped tops with adjustable straps and pink frilly pants with love-heart details.

Three years ago Asda were forced to withdraw pink and black lace lingerie, including a push-up bra, marketed for nine-year-olds following complaints from parents.

Children’s groups also called for a boycott of a Little Miss Naughty range sold by Bhs, which included padded bras.

The controversy over underwear for pre-teens fuels fears that a generation of young girls is being encouraged to grow up too fast generally – by the sexualisation of other products as well as clothes.

WH Smith attracted controversy after selling Playboy-branded stationery, while the frightening Bratz dolls are sold everywhere.

With their fishnets, miniskirts and crop-tops, they outsell the more conservatively dressed Barbie dolls by two to one.

With those kind of dolls to play with, and underwear like our haul pictured, is it any wonder that our little girls seem to be growing up far too quickly?

(Source: Saucy clothes aimed at children, The Sun, 23 April 2008)

The Sun helpfully provides photographs of the offending articles.

They also brought out The Sun’s Agony Aunt, Deidre Sanders, and celebrity fashion critic, Susannah Constantine, to give their verdicts.

Both were very vehemently against young girls ‘parading around’ in such adult underwear, which makes me wonder whether part of the problem is that they have children who have a tendency to flash their underwear in public.

Now, it’s very one-sided, because boys don’t really get much more ‘attention’ from wearing lacy things. In fact, I’m trying hard to think of one item of clothing for men that could really be counted as increasing sensual attractiveness and coming up empty.

Yes, it’s dangerous to sexualise children, and yes, it is wrong to promote the viewpoint that the most valuable aspect of a person is sex appeal, but here’s the thing that I’m wondering: who will buy the clothes, really?

I have to think that parents, being the ones with money, are the most likely purchasers. If they are outraged, then don’t buy it. If they aren’t outraged, maybe that’s systematic of why these products exist.

What happened to the days of simple underwear with cartoon characters on them, that you’d beg to have bought for you and then be embarrassed if anyone actually saw them because you’d be the laughing stock of the class? Well, besides the fact that there aren’t very many good cartoons to choose from.

What’ll they do, put out Dr Who underwear? I can just see the outrage based on the ‘hidden meaning’ of having a TARDIS on the front of white cotton panties.

Besides, everyone knows that the most sensual underwear is either white cotton with a tiny bow or Supergirl/Superman logo’d. Oh, and don’t diss Lolita- or Shota-complexes.

Now, I know I’ve got a very good audience here for opinions - whether they be apathetic, angry or joyous over the topic of clothing. There’s a hard-working Family Man with kids who visits here and likely could give an opinion on what he’d let his kids wear (if they weren’t boys). I’ve also got smokin’ girly hotties too who might have their own viewpoints on how harmful it is. And then there’s the boys.

Essential Cybernetic Science Department, DugalCorp Headquarters

FS1-D23-U3: I mean, what is with this colour scheme, it’s like they don’t trust us to use the right pieces in the right place if they don’t colour them differently.

FC-D23: I wouldn’t trust most of this crew to get the right pieces if I crushed their faceplates with them.

FS1-D23-U3: You don’t think it’s just a little off-putting, this grey, white and yellow mix?

FC-D23: I’m sure once the shielding plates are placed they’ll blend in with the existing colours, if that’s your concern.

FS1-D23-U3: Really…

FS1-D23-U3: So, white, yellow, grey and green are a good mix?

FC-D23: You realise I don’t actually give a damn, right?

FC-D23: Think that shielding it will hold up against heavy artillery onslaught?

FS1-D23-U3: I think it’d be asking for a miracle for it not to pop loose the moment it stands upright.

FC-D23: That reminds me, I’ll have to set shift so that Units 2 and 8 can observe its first steps.

FS1-D23-HUD: Ooh, ooh. Me too?

FC-D23: Front row, HUD, front row.

FC-D23: At least the feet look sturdy.

FS1-D23-U3: They should, they were completely pre-assembled so that we didn’t have to do anything with them.

FC-D23: Well, something should work as designed then. Unit 1, report.

FS1-D23-U1: One leg constructed, though the shankbone looks a little thin.

FS1-D23-U3: They have a pop-assembled ankle and a weighted, shielded upper leg on a single bar…the whole schematics look a little thin.

FS1-D23-U8: Well, I’ll tell you what isn’t thin…

FC-D23: Unit 8, if you end this with your mama, you’ll spend the next three months as a magnet tester.

FS1-D23-U8: Hey, we should pop that other leg in to place, Unit 1! C’mon.

FS1-D23-HUD: Ok, ok…just step back an inch…

FC-D23: HUD, do we really have need of this?

FS1-D23-HUD: The main man loves this, trust me. It’s art. You know the line, right?

FC-D23: I have several thousand gig of hard drive, multi gig RAM and a deca-core CPU. You’ve given me a forty-one byte text file to memorise. I think I’ll cope.

FS1-D23-HUD: Sweet. And…

FS1-D23-HUD: …Action.

FC-D23: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair…

FS1-D23-HUD: That was so touching.

Guise (B): Fuckwits. So many fuckwits.

FS1-D23-U1: Does anybody remember that scene in that animated Transformers movie?

FS1-D23-U8: Aw man, you mean the one where you almost see Arcee’s gas cap? You know, I spent ages with the DVD trying to pause it just ri…

FS1-D23-U1: Actually, I meant on the Planet Junk.

FS1-D23-U8: Arcee could have my planet-sized Junk any day.

FS1-D23-U2: I always prefered Crasher, she was fighty.

FS1-D23-U3: Is this really necessary?

FS1-D23-U8: Cool down, Unit 3, just because you prefer Dot Matrix…

FS1-D23-U2, FS1-D23-U8: Virgin Alarm!

FS1-D23-U1: HUD, do you have any anime docking sequence music on MP3 for atmosphere?

FS1-D23-HUD: Nah, but I could hum Blue Danube if you want.

FS1-D23-U1: Activate interlock! Dynotherms connected! Form Feet and Legs!

FS1-D23-U2: LegTrax docking, stand by!

FS1-D23-U1: This sure is a tough way to dock, I hope we get better at it.

FS1-D23-U2: We have to, we can’t get much worse.

FS1-D23-U1, FS1-D23-U2: Hehehe.

To Be Continued!!

As if the Fantastic Fours foe, The Mole Man, wasn’t enough of a challenge for local councils to tackle in the UK, it appears the threat of evildoers undermining the bureacracy is spreading.

Perhaps emulating the Captain Planet villain, Sly Sludge, a new contender has stepped out and only the anal retentive, ‘more than my job’s worth’ attitude of council staff can save the day!

Father fined for overfilling bin

A father-of-four has been left with a criminal record for overfilling his wheelie bin by four inches.

Gareth Corkhill, 26, of Whitehaven, Cumbria, received a £110 fixed penalty notice after Copeland Council staff photographed his raised bin lid.

When he refused to pay he was taken to court where magistrates added a further £115 to the fixed penalty.

Copeland Council has defended its actions and pledged to continue to take action against overfilled wheelie bins.

Mr Corkhill, said: “First I heard of it was from a neighbour who said someone had taken a picture of my wheelie bin, but I thought nothing of it. Two days later two enforcement officers turn up on my doorstep wearing stab vests, read my rights and then issued me with an on-the-spot fine. I recycle and all my boxes are always full.”

Mr Corkhill, who shares a house with his partner and three children and also has a child from a previous relationship, said the authority recently switched from weekly to fortnightly refuse collections, but added that the supplied bins were not big enough to cope.

He added: “I could not believe I had been fined for putting rubbish in a bin. I tell my kids not to throw rubbish away and always use a bin.”

Whitehaven magistrates convicted Mr Corkhill in his absence of overfilling a receptacle used for waste.

In a statement the council said: “Copeland Borough Council will continue to crack down on the problem of overflowing bins, which cause problems for local residents and in the battle to reduce waste. It is important that we all reduce the amount of waste we send to landfill. We can do this by recycling more of what is in our bins, and we would advise anyone who has a problem with too much waste to look at what can be recycled.”

(Source: Father fined for overfilling bin, BBC, 22 April 2008)

So, what this tells us is that a council decided instead of using its financial resources to keep a weekly rubbish collection, would instead make people fill one bin and spend the money to send camera-weilding environmental vigilantees to track down any bins that were ajar. Not if the bin was overflowing to the point of litter hitting the street, but if the lid was propped up.

Zero tolerance, it’s the only thing these dastardly fiends will understand! Next time, send him to work in the slave mines of the local landfill using a hand magnet to find any discarded tins. Thank heavns they arrived in stab vests, because this is surely psychopathic behaviour being displayed.

The Power Is Yours!

Or, you know, use some common sense in that four inches of gap between bin lip and lid is hardly going to make a staggering amount of difference, especially if the guy is already recycling and if the additional refuse is actually remaining contained.

Considering it’s only been in the last few years that councils have actually decided to offer a recycling collection (though, not for every material - my local one doesn’t recycle plastic, cardboard, envelopes, food and drink cartons) and before that were quite happy to load up the landfills.

I think they should open landfills up to scavengers, financial incentives to people who find set weights of metal and glass. Fireworks displays over the methane pockets, or use the ignitable gases to power the council.

Essential Cybernetic Science Department, DugalCorp Headquarters

Shuuhaijin Yuki: The supreme leader ordered delivery of components for top secret plan and transfer of data and schematics, I am honour bound to follow these orders.

FS1-D23-U2: Because otherwise you must commit sekkupu?

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Worse, bukkake…but also, I get sacked.

FC1-D23: Never mind that, how did you get in here and with all that junk?

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Ah, no. Crack squad of highly trained couriers, always five acting as one to ensure delivery of vital packages. We have motto in Internal Mail ‘Our domain is the shadow. Stray from it reluctantly. For when you do, you must strike hard and fade away…without a trace”.

FS1-D23-U8: Hey, that was Master Splinter!

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Sensei Usugami-kirimi, actually.

FC1-D23: And you did all this without our notice?

Shuuhaijin Yuki: It is so, all except delivery of schematics, it is on USB and I need to know where you want me to stick it.

FC1-D23: I have a few suggestions…

FS1-D23-HUD: Ooh, I’ve never filmed medical documentaries before…except that time where the guys head exploded mid-treatment.

Moments later…

FS1-D23-U1: Well, this is a pile of…

FC1-D23: Vital components, yes, it is. Now, you’ve all got your WiFi connections to view the schematics, right?

FS1-D23-U1, FS1-D23-U2, FS1-D23-U3, FS1-D23-U5, FS1-D23-U8: Right!

FS1-D23-HUD: …no…

FC1-D23: Good. Split up and take your designated tasks, and remember acetylene torches are not a plaything.

FS1-D23-U3: So, does it ever seem weird to you guys that they mill these things with all those bumps and ridges on them?

FS1-D23-U1: Not really. I mean, how else would we get them to join up?

FS1-D23-U3: Well, chemical bonding, for starters…or good, old-fashioned duct tape.

FS1-D23-U1: That sounds like a lot of work, I think I prefer the knobbly bit in to dimply bit method.

FS1-D23-U8: Hehehe.

FS1-D23-U1: Grow up.

FS1-D23-HUD: Well, Team Torso seems to be doing quite well…

FS1-D23-U8: I did the crotch, HUD. Make sure that gets noted, ok?

FS1-D23-U1: It’s a giant war mecha, Unit 8, it doesn’t have a crotch.

FS1-D23-U8: Knobbly bit, two balls on either side. It’s a crotch, and I was the one who fused it in to place.

FS1-D23-U1: While I had to do everything else…

FS1-D23-U8: You’re just jealous of my crotch?

FS1-D23-HUD: I know I am!

FS1-D23-U1: Idiots. Why couldn’t they give me someone better to work with…

FS1-D23-U2: Seriously, we should be getting overtime for this.

FS1-D23-U1: Though I like the idea, I think we’d probably have to be expected to not perform 24/7 to be entitled.

FS1-D23-U2: That’s my point, we should be getting higher wages, shift hours and rest breaks. That’s what they get over at Apperture, man.

FS1-D23-U8: They get to shoot stuff too.

FS1-D23-U1: Man, I thought you were happy admiring your balls.

FS1-D23-U8: Hehe, they are pretty sweet.

FS1-D23-U1: Let’s just get it upright, weld up a face panel and I’ll get the next pieces.

FS1-D23-U2: Do I get hazard pay for manual handling and lifting?

FS1-D23-U8: Hehe, we got it erected.

FS1-D23-U2: Hey, um, Unit 8…what’s with the missing hand.

FS1-D23-U8: Oh, oxy-acetylene torch. Got the idea from this chat show guy.

FS1-D23-U2: Um, it doesn’t seem to be doing anything.

FS1-D23-U8: I’m buying it in installments, so far I’ve only got the gas feeds installed…but six more payments and they’ll fit a lighter.

FS1-D23-U2: So, you’re just spraying ignitable gases in to the work area?

FS1-D23-U8: Cool, huh?

FS1-D23-U1: Dammit, where did Unit 2 go?

FS1-D23-U8: He said he had an emergency meeting in somewhere less explosive. Seriously, I think he’s dissing you and the anger management classes.

FS1-D23-U3: Never mind him, Unit 1. We can wire up the sensor cones and fit the limb mounts.

FS1-D23-U1: Yeah, and likely in less time without him around.

FS1-D23-U8: And with me here, the job will be a breeze, right.

FS1-D23-U1, FS1-D23-U3: Riiiight.

FS1-D23-U8: Sweet.

FS1-D23-U1: So, we’ve got fixed pointed cones on the upper torso for varied sensor data…

FS1-D23-U8: …and balls below! What a freak.

FS1-D23-U3: Please, Unit 8, shut up.

FS1-D23-U1: …and whats the other knobbly thing?

FS1-D23-U3: Schematics state that it’s an emergency repair console.

FS1-D23-U1: Interesting looking console.

FS1-D23-U3: Yeah, well, in the digital schematics it seems to be drawn in crayon.

FS1-D23-U1: Man, I haven’t seen shoulder pads like that since Dynasty

FS1-D23-U8: It looks like an angry face, some furious Tiki statue face or worse…

FC1-D23: What are you prattling about over here?

FS1-D23-U8: ..that.

FS1-D23-U1: The torso is prepared as ordered, Control, we were reviewing it’s general appearance for defects.

FC1-D23: If you are looking for defects, Unit 1, I’d suggest looking behind the camera lens.

FS1-D23-HUD: Hi Boss! Miss me?

To Be Continued!!

In August 2006, I referred to a man called William Lyttle, who had been dubbed “The Mole Man” for his, some would say ‘eccentric’ behaviour. If you didn’t see it, it’s here.

Mr Lyttle, at the age of 75, was ordered by the local council to leave his £1m Victorian property, originally two properties that he combined in to one four-storey, twenty room home. The reason behind his eviction was down to his chosen method of home renovation, that of making an ever increasing basement under his neighbourhood over the course of forty years.

According to The Guardian newspaper at the time:

Since the early 1960s, the man who owns and lives inside the £1m Victorian property has been digging. No one knows how far the the network of burrows underneath 75-year-old William Lyttle’s house stretch. But according to the council, which used ultrasound scanners to ascertain the extent of the problem, almost half a century of nibbling dirt with a shovel and homemade pulley has hollowed out a web of tunnels and caverns, some 8m (26ft) deep, spreading up to 20m in every direction from his house.

Their surveyors estimate that the resident known locally as the Mole Man has scooped 100 cubic metres of earth from beneath the roads and houses that surround his 20-room property.

(Source: After 40 years’ burrowing, Mole Man of Hackney is ordered to stop, The Guardian, 08 August 2006)

The house itself was in danger of collapsing in on itself and the effects of his digging became apparent several times, from power outages where he struck cables to massive cracks appearing in pavements.

His efforts at creating a subterrainian kingdom in the outskirts of the capital city may have been rumbled eventually, but it certainly took some time and he has finally been given his punishment for his underground endeavours.

‘Mole man’s’ £300,000 repair bill

A pensioner who created a labyrinth of tunnels under his house over 40 years has been forced to pay £300,000 for repairs carried out by a council.

Excavations by William Lyttle, 77, who is also known as the “mole man”, almost caused the property in Mortimer Road, Hackney, east London, to collapse.

Hackney council evicted him in 2006 to allow work to stabilise the house.

The High Court ordered him to pay the amount within 14 days or the property could be sold to pay the bill.

It is understood Mr Lyttle inherited the 20-room four-storey detached property from his parents.

The house, which is dilapidated, could be worth more than £1m if renovated.

On Monday the High Court also extended an order which bans Mr Lyttle from going near the property to ensure he does not damage the restoration work.

Since he was evicted he has been living in temporary council accommodation.

In 2001, his digging led to a 15ft-wide hole in the public footpath.

Fiona Fletcher-Smith, of Hackney Council, said: “Mr Lyttle’s actions had led to his home becoming a danger to himself and to the general public. Making the property safe is a matter which has incurred considerable expense to the Hackney taxpayer over a number of years, and we are extremely pleased that the court has agreed we should be able to recoup the cost.”

Following the order, neighbour Dean Dawson said: “The council has been pussy-footing around him for years. They would just check that any work he did had the right planning permission. There has been a distinct lack of action. I’ve got every sympathy with him (Mr Lyttle). He’s just a bit eccentric and a bit of a recluse. But it does grate on residents when they’re told to take down satellite dishes and you just look across the road at all that he’s got away with.”

(Source: ‘Mole man’s’ £300,000 repair bill, BBC, 15 April 2008)

One of the things that really gets me is the total Britishness of the response from Mr Lyttle’s neighbour, in that despite a neighbour burrowing under the properties and communter area, the actual villains are the council for letting him get planning permission while they had satellite dishes removed.

Sometimes I get the feeling that if terrorists were to set off nuclear weapons in this country, decimating buildings, lives and power infrastructure, then we wouldn’t object unless it disrupted the buses and then we’d be vehement against the Government’s poor transport policies. Oh, and that they interrupted the TV with all those Protect and Survive films.

Private Chamber, DugalCorp Headquarters

Guise (B): Sparks…vector sigma…cybernetic gods…robotic medics…folded space for mass conversion…

Guise (B): …but no damn instructions! Is it too much to ask for a simple “how to” on building giant war…I mean peace-keeping robots to help me spread my message of World Peace under my tyrannical rule?!

Guise (B): There must be something somewhere out there, some great oracle of all knowledge. Hmm, that’s it!

Guise (B): “Gi-ant War…hehehe…Ro-bot Buil-ding In-struct-ions”. That oughta do it. Bah, No results found for “Giant War Robot Building Instructions”.

Guise (B): Screw it! Everybody knows the best robots are always made by other robots, or provided by alien beings and floating heads. I’ll just have to use my robot servants that I got…

Guise (B): …in an untelevised story! Hollywood hack, baby!

Meanwhile, several miles below

Essential Cybernetic Science Department, DugalCorp Headquarters

FS1-D23-HUD: So, everybody gather round for the team photograph! Come on, it’s fun!