The Ramblings of Guise Dugal

Recently I had cause to resort to fast food for a few meals and so took the opportunity to check out what was going on in the realms of childrens meals and promotions at both Burger King and McDonalds, both of which are running movie tie-in promotions with their children menus. The two movies up for grabs were Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Ice Age 3. In a rather interesting coup, the King managed to snag the Transformers tie-in – interesting to me, as I can recall when McDonalds offered the Generation 1 special teams, such as Aerialbots, in the Happy Meals. The clown, meanwhile, was offering out the goods for Ice Age 3.

Burger King has a reputation for adding themed menu items for the adults when they tie-in to most movies, such as the much re-hashed and adored Dark Whopper, and this time would be no different. In the US, it would take the form of the Stackticon, which seems little more than a Bacon Double Cheeseburger: sesame bun, Sweet Baby Ray’s Hot & Spicy BBQ Sauce, 4x bacon, 2x American cheese, 2x hamburger. In the UK we got a version of a previously used mini-Angus 6-pack, this time with three topped in BBQ sauce and an onion ring (similar to the Rodeo Burger) and three with jalapenos and brava sauce, additionally they are running a side Chilli and Cheese Bites (4) and Onion Rings (8) Combo.

The toys are, unfortunately, not the greatest. I ended up with two of the selection, a spring launced Arcee in bike mode and a put-together Constructicon gestalt. Arcee is one of those very standard Hot Wheels-style spring launch toys, even going so far as having the similar style launching garage, they decaled the garage with a molded Autobot symbol and put a sticker of her face on the garage door. The gestalt is several lumps of plastic, most coloured, with peg holes to connect to a grey lump, they don’t however connect perfectly and it’s in no way poseable. In fact, looking in the promo booklet, there are very few things from the Transformers franchise that actually, you know, transform. The bag once again lets the King down, with the typical one side of cool art, one side of selling other burgers and two sides of toys.

I’m not quite sure why Burger King can be so hit and miss with their tie-ins, when they can have the great Batmobile toy for Dark Knight and cool Pokemon tie-ins, but can’t tie-in Transformers with transforming things. I do want to note though, the US website for the promo, http://www.bk.com/transformyourway, is damn cool. It even featured the old school Tech Specs from the Generation 1 toy rang, and you use the red filter to reveal the information just like as a kid.

So, what about the Clown? Well, the first thing to note is that the clown is not bothered by tie-ins for adults, the Happy Meal is kid-orientated and until something comes along that’ll shake that (like Batman Returns did) it’ll be happy to stay that way – McDonalds instead is running a range of “Taste of America” products that are pretty ignorable. The boxes for the Happy Meals are pretty good, with a lot of stuff going on from character information and pictures to two small games (one a counting “which path allows Scratt to collect the most Acorns”, one a “name the characters”), there’s also all manner of pop-out items from Manny’s tusks to cracked ice. There’s also a money-off voucher on each box for Ice Age DVDs and books.

The toys at the moment are quite fitting for the movie, character moulds for ice lollies (popsicles for my American friends), but thats not all, with each mould you get a mini-figure of the character, because to be honest you can’t expect a kid to be overjoyed with something functional when they are sat eating from a colourful box.

The “…For SCIENCE!” bit

Having gotten a popsicle mould, it did only seem fitting to try my hand at popsicle making. The instructions were pretty clear, fill the item with liquid and put in a cold place for several hours. Now, I knew before hand that this was a doomed project for two reasons:
1) Every time I have ever attempted to make popsicles, they’ve never worked, either freezing to the mould or not adhering to the popsicle stick
2) The only liquid close at hand was Ginger Ale, the carbonated drink.

So, I poured the ginger ale in to a glass with vodka and popped in some ice, then I poured some ginger ale into the popsicle mould and put that in the freezer. Whilst it got itself nice and chilly, I consumed my drink, and another after that.

By morning, the popsicle was frozen solid, though it looked less that 100% as it was obvious how thin the mix was. Trying to get the popsicle out caused the popsicle stick to tear free, but I did end up with a ginger flavoured, Sid-shaped ice block, which tasted very nice. In fact, the experiment wasn’t a complete failure as I found out that freezing ginger ale can be a damn good idea to add to drinks.

In my view, the clown seriously beat down the King in this round. Now, I might be slightly biased because I miss old school Transformers and haven’t actually seen Revenge of the Fallen yet, but by similar token I have yet to see any of the Ice Age movies. Going solely on toys, I’d rather hit a McD’s than a BK. Foodwise, I’d rather eat at a BK.

So, I got back last weeked from the beautiful Californian sunshine and it’s wonderful residents. Yeah, I’ve been home for a few days now and it achingly keeps seeming longer and longer since I was in glorious San Jose. I’m still uploading photos and vlogs, so you may find that this post gets ninja editted a fair bit over the next few days, as well as a few memories of the trip.

As much as I miss all the big things and wholely miss the people, it’s the smaller things and the finer points I miss, things like actually vocally chatting with people and seeing faces and emotions, things like the adventure of doing things in a strange place and taking random trips to meet up (like going on my own via light rail to Dio’s place, finding my way on the streets in the morning so we could grab breakfast), things as mundane as going for cool morning walks to the bank and Walgreens. I’m rather sentimental about details, I guess.

I got to meet some of the nicest and coolest people ever, and I say that with total sincerity. Not only were they welcoming to a ‘friend of a friend’, but they even spent the time with me alone, which meant a lot. They were some of the friendliest people I’ve met and it was a total priveledge to be able to spend that time together.

Obviously the biggest feeling of sadness is not being able to spend anymore time with Dio and friends now that I’m back here. Fanime cosplay was fun, but just those times of sitting around, wandering town or riding the light rail, best of times.

Fanime was fun, got to cosplay with Dio as Blue/Gary Oak to her Red/Pokemon Trainer, and as Ninten and Ness while she was Ness and Lucas. Also got to follow a new friend around as he recaptured the glory of Left 4 Dead.

I got to vlog with Dio, which I really hope to do again sometime because it was a complete blast. Got to try American confectionary relatively fresh, and taste fresher candy corn (Dan, I’m seriously reconsidering my views on that stuff). I also finally got myself Converse sneakers.

I can pretty much sum up San Jose with one morning when I left the hotel at 7am. The sun was up and the roads were still fairly quiet, there was a cool breeze but I still felt warm enough that I definately needed short sleeves. The buildings were all sandy coloured or shining glass, and without clouds the light just caught them all. Palms rustled as cars drove by. Sprinklers wet the grass and sidewalk, giving odd moments of detecting the petrichor aroma that seemed to dry up quick. There I was in the centre of it, raglan t-shirt, denim shorts and converse sneakers and with my MP3 player low so that I could only just hear some of my favourite summery tunes.

I’m really hoping to get back to San Jose soon. As for being home, June’s already starting to feel the curse. I’m keeping my head up.

Recent San Jose VLOGs:

“All my bags are packed
Im ready to go
Im standin here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin
Its early morn
The taxis waitin
Hes blowin his horn
Already Im so lonesome
I could die”"
~ “Leaving on a jet plane“, John Denver

It begins.

Ok, so perhaps I cheated to get the last two blogs I really wanted to get up done in time and went the way of vlogging instead. I still won and got everything I wanted out. Really the only things left were talking about communication and blogging while ‘on the road’ and about carry-on luggage, so I reckon that’s easy enough to solve with a video fix.

“”Because my inside is outside
My right side’s on the left side
‘Cos I’m writing to reach you
But I might never reach you
I long to teach you about you
But that’s not you”
~ Writing to reach you”, Travis

I’m really hoping to get some stuff written while I’m away or at least a supply of photographs to be able to look back over. There’s already experiences and lessons brewing from the whole trip, so I’m sure to walk away with quite some memories.

At the moment the Google Map is a bit sparse, but considering the four-day weekend in the middle is mainly taken up with the FanimeCon convention, that is probably a good thing.

“Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well isn’t this nice…”"
~Ironic, Alanis Morissette

“And when he’s off to sail the seven seas
He just stays indoors or hides up trees
He’s been to places that you’ve never seen
But his mind is blank and his passport’s clean”
~ Domino Man, The Beautiful South

“I’m not going to change my passport. It’s British, you don’t mess with
that. Blue passport. Gold writing. Stiff. With a crest on it. You don’t show it to
officials, you slap them aside with it. *Bouff* Out of my way, Johnny Foreigner.
You don’t need to look it it, it’s British that’s all you need to know. Mm, British,
best in the world. Yes. Reason for visiting: Imperialism, ok?”
~ Jack Dee

Travelling always brings with it paperwork and people stating loudly “Show us your papers!” in thick accents while clicking machine guns in your general direction. Paperwork is the global standard for putting people off travelling or filling up empty cells in local prisons.

The most vital paperwork is, of course, the passport. The little booklet that acts like an autograph book for countries rather than Z-list celebrities you meet walking out of a toilet in some restaurant you picked because the very fancy one was booked up. By looking at your passport and previous countries visited, local law enforcement agencies can easily help identify who they are going to accuse you of spying for.

I had to actually re-apply for my passport last year, as it was due to expire, and was sorely disappointed because everytime I travelled to continental Europe I’d had no stamps and just been waved through, and all my other trips before had been on group-based passports. But now I was starting on a clean slate.

It was like having a new identity. I got a crisp, hard and fresh passport through, and a new photo in the back. The photo itself impressed me no end, because the last photo I had taken was while I was in college about a decade ago. The photo was of me with an addition of over ten stone, or 140lbs, and no neck. The new photo, by contrast, was more defined, even if slightly sinister.

Because I am going to be travelling in to the US, and indeed this is now applicable if you are only stopping off at a US airport waiting for a connecting flight, I had to complete the Electronic System for Travel Authorization (ESTA) application, the new version of the green card.

The main difference as I see it is that the ESTA must be completed before departing – you may not be allowed to board without it being completed – as opposed to green cards being handed out while in transit, alongside complimentary peanuts and miniature pillow to smother the snoring git beside you.

Fortunately, since the system started in January this year, most travel firms are quite prepared and ready to let you know that it is a requirement for travel and are able to give you details of how to get your ESTA completed. A quick jump to the application website is all that is really required.

The ESTA application is simple and straightforward, built in a website that really harkens back to the early days of HTML and is only really not truly retro because there is an absence of animated gif files. There really is no expense spared on the site, because there seems to have been no expense at all.

A series of personal questions and details of your travel and accomodation are asked for, even if you are travelling on from an airport to continue on a multi-stop journey. All the usual questions are asked – name and nationality, birth date, passport number – as well as city you are boarding, airline and flight number, address while in country.

Then it gets on to the trickier, more difficult questions. These questions are the highly sophisticated method that the US law enforcement agencies use to make sure nobody naughty enters the country. They are subtle and it’s very easy to slip up, and quite often they’ll group things together so you may well end up being guilty of something because of how they combine. Even harder, it transpires, because you are only allowed to answer with Yes or No. There is no fine line or grey area, no area to justify or rationalise.

No kidding though, it actually says at the top:

Do any of the following apply to you? (Answer Yes or No)
Please select if you need additional help on any of these questions.

I’m not sure exactly how you could have a problem with them, well actually maybe I can. But I’m sure if you had a problem trying to give the correct answer, it’s most likely going to mean that you’ve been on the naughty side.

A) Do you have a communicable disease; physical or mental disorder; or are you a drug abuser or addict?

The first and already we’re dealing with a merger. The mental disorder does make me wonder, are they looking to ban all disorders? Will a person with a nervous tic be denied entry next to the guy who turns up carrying a butcher knife and wearing a pelt of faces? How likely is it that a psychopath will click yes?

Also, I’m not addicted to drugs, and I’m not a drug abuser. However, having said that, when I was little I used to have to ground up my aspirin, sometimes beating on it with a spoon. I swear though, I only did it out of love and because sometimes it needed to know what limits our relationship had.

B) Have you ever been arrested or convicted for an offense or crime involving moral turpitude or a violation related to a controlled substance; or have been arrested or convicted for two or more offenses for which the aggregate sentence to confinement was five years or more; or have been a controlled substance trafficker; or are you seeking entry to engage in criminal or immoral activities?

Isn’t it nice to see turpitude used in the modern day, though I think in some cases it might need a little hover-over window to explain it.

It’s the last of the question that interests me, are you seeking entry to engage in…immoral activities? This causes me a problem, I’m not travelling with the intention of immoral activities, but you know, what happens if a guy just gets lucky? There’s a good club scene, a few drinking places, maybe some beautiful ladies who like deformed men with english accents sometimes morality gets forgotten momentarily. So, I guess the answer is No, unless I get very, very lucky.

C) Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved , in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?

Well, I’ve watched all the Bond and Bourne movies, played Metal Gear Solid and used to side with Cobra when playing GI Joe (they had the better figures), but as far as espionage, sabotage and terrorism go that’s about my level of activity.

As far as I know none of my past incarnations were in the Nazi party, however, I could be mistaken and deep seated genetic memories may someday be untapped through hypnotic therapy. In fact it might have some explanation for my fondness for mad science, taking over Liechtenstein, political power and having unstylish facial hair.

D) Are you seeking to work in the U.S.; or have you ever been excluded and deported; or been previously removed from the United States or procured or attempted to procure a visa or entry into the U.S. by fraud or misrepresentation?

I have no real desire to work in my own country, why anyone would think I’d want to work elsewhere is beyond me. Except Liechtenstein. As I conquer it.

E) Have you ever detained, retained or withheld custody of a child from a U.S. citizen granted custody of the child?

From a US citizen? Nope, never.

F) Have you ever been denied a U.S. visa or entry into the U.S. or had a U.S. visa canceled?

No, but I once had an American Express application denied.

G) Have you ever asserted immunity from prosecution?

I tried to use it to get out of a detention while on a school trip to Germany, but it turns out that just because you are travelling doesn’t mean you have diplomatic immunity. Oh, and apparently teachers are immune to it anyway. As it happens, they mean asserting it correctly while possessing immunity. So, the answer is no.

The response to my application was instantaneous, granting me the rights to enter and wander about the US, though warning me that I could still be turned away at the airport by local customs and immigration officers. Still, it’s a result.

Slight change from the norm here, as I did a vlog about this topic and the promptly forgot to post it. So, enjoy the video while I finish writing up the rest of it.

Back already? Geez, I hadn’t really finished yet. I guess we’ll see how far we get and then I’ll wing it.

As established in the vlog, I have been given a very generous amount of luggage allowance, which is the advantage of getting on a scheduled flight and booking things on your own. I mentioned in the video about the response I recieved from my airline, and I feel it prudent to point out that for the most part of my journey I’ll be travelling with Air France until I reach the destination country where I’ll switch to one of the more domestic airlines. I’m travelling the standard economy class, so it isn’t actually anything special that gives me the space.

Thank you for contacting Air France.

You will be able to take up to TWO bags in the hold, weighing a maximum of 23kg per bag. The three dimensions of each bag (height + length + width) must not exceed 158 cm (62 inches). If an item weighs more than 23kg (and less than 32kg) a €50 one-off fee is applied. If you wish to check additional baggage a fee of €150 per additional item carried will be charged.

You may also take one piece of hand baggage plus a small accessory such as a handbag. The three dimensions of your main hand baggage item must not exceed 115cm (height + length + width) and the weight of your hand baggage must not exceed 5kg.

We look forward to welcoming you on board.

Yours sincerely,

Air France Web Support Team

Now, the filling of the luggage and issues around the carry-on luggage will have to be addressed later, because it is there that things get complicated.

I’ve had to consider all the wonderful things like warm weather clothes, cosplay (yes, you read that right), special wear, entertainment, communication, toiletries and gifts. We’ll no doubt get on to that all shortly.

The simplest, most mundane aspects of holiday planning becomes a deep delve in to logistics when I’m involved.

“On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night”
~ Hotel California, The Eagles

Considering I knew that I was picking a locally busy time for the hotels for my upcoming vacation in May, it was obvious that the hotel booking had to come first, and considering most hotels allow you to reserve the rooms online and change bookings easily without incurring any charges – and most don’t require deposits in advance, just verified credit card – then it made sense to book in advance and then rearrange bookings when flights were confirmed.

The first hurdle to overcome is the issue of hotel location. I’m staying in a fairly sizeable city – in fact, by British standards it’s probably ‘huge’, and by standards of a Brit who lives in southwest England it’s ‘freaking gigantic’ – so I had the choice of city centre (or ‘downtown’) or on the outskirts.

The outskirts meant that I would have actually been closer to most of the homes of people in the area, but would need to travel a fair bit to see sights and to do the wandering aimlessly in a foreign land, and given that I don’t drive and would therefore be relying on public transport or the kindness of locals, this would have added difficulty. Of course, if people now decide to do everything on the outskirts, I’m fairly screwed.

The price difference wasn’t too much per night, somewhere between $5-20, but it was recommended to me to stay downtown to be near everything and it also meant the hotel would be a handy hub for doing things if needed.

Because I was aiming for a two-week stay, this made hotel booking slightly more complicated. When you are going for a shorter period, you can often get lucky and just miss an influx of people coming and going around your stay, the longer you plan to stay for then the more likely snags will come up. I anticipated that several hotels would be booked over the weekend joining my trip, there is a convention in town and that is in part a reason for my visit – not the whole reason, but it was a good way to justify the trip that little bit more.

My expectation came to fruition, as several of the hotels reported back that they’d be unable to supply a room for one or two of the nights. I was fortunate though, in that I did manage to get a downtown hotel. The Hilton. The Hilton does carry a slightly hefty price tag to it, though one I had been expecting to pay anyway, and with breakfast and wifi connection in my room then for the whole period it works out at – and before you ask, yes it is totally worth it – about $2300 (£1645).

Now, that isn’t too bad considering it’s a king-sized bedroom, with wifi and breakfast, neighbouring the convention center, close to the airport for travelling, close to every other standard meeting point, and for eleven nights. The last time I stayed in Exeter it was about £110 a night and they didn’t have any internet connection – or a gym, swimming pool, working television in the room, fridge – although it did have a good breakfast. I’m kind of hoping they have a game room, though I think I should be concentrating more on things like laundry service.

I do have to add that the Hilton telephone staff are, at least half the time, wonderfully sweet and endearing people. The four times I called, internationally to the US, twice I spoke to very friendly staff, one of whom was so amazingly sweet that it pretty much sold the hotel to me on conversation alone (even though it was surprising to her that we don’t have Thanksgiving in England). The staff at the actual Hilton I’ll be staying at have been very friendly in emails and phone calls too.

Oh, and apparently by staying eleven nights I’ll earn enough points for a free night next time I stay in a Hilton.

“I want my love, my joy, my laugh, my smile, my needs
Not in the star signs or the palm that she reads
I want my sun-drenched, wind-swept Ingrid Bergman kiss
Not in the next life, I want it in this
I want it in this”
~ Good As Gold (Stupid As Mud), The Beautiful South

For the upcoming ‘grand adventure of 2009′ as I haven’t actually dubbed it, and probably shall never refer to it as again. I had to work out my own arrangements for flights and hotels, rather than taking the prescriptive package route. This was a rather eye-opening experience to the world of vacationing that both appealed and troubled me simultaneously.

The thing about me is that I try to be organised, punctual and conservative with my time. If I have to meet someone I tend to be ten to fifteen minutes early, even if I try to be on time or even a little relaxed and delayed, most of the time I’m in the vicinity of the meeting place a half to full hour before. Whenever I make travel arrangements, I’ll be the guy who factors in changeover delays, toilet breaks at stopovers and leeway for arrival. This might seem like it borders on anal retentiveness, but in truth it’s less about a need to do it and more a fear of things that could go wrong and need dealing with – what if something breaks down, what if I miss a changeover – and also a part is that should anyone be waiting for me, I don’t want them to feel like they are wasting time.

So when working out flights on my own, I poured for hours over the timetables to mix and match flights there and back again. I wanted as few stopovers as I could, but with enough time at each stopover to get from terminal and gate to new terminal and gate. That’s the other thing with me in charge of travel, I will check boards and displays to make sure I’m at the right gate or platform, sometimes multiple times and even after checking with staff.

Price comparison websites and booking websites do tend to be a little deceptive though, because once you’ve guaranteed your ticket at the set price, they are free to screw around with your itinerary and all you can do is accept the change and hope that it’ll be ok when it comes to flying.

Its a careful balancing act when working out when to book flights and hotels if you want good value, if you get them too soon you could end up paying more, if you get them too late then you might not get them at all. The flight was actually the thing I booked the last, it would seem stupid to book a flight and have nowhere to stay and unable to cancel, whereas hotels are fairly flexible.

For the flight, my main goal was to save money and effort, and in doing so expected to have to take up increased time for the trip itself. I knew that if I flew from one of the main airports, such as Heathrow or Gatwick, that I’d have to put in extra travel to get to the airport and probably get a hotel and stay the night before and/or the night after travelling back. This would then take up a lot more money in rail fare and hotel fare, and cost me a day travelling. Instead I chose to use my local airport and fly in hops.

There’s only a few short hops, to be fair. I make a stop off in continental Europe to get to my long haul flight and then a stop off after the long haul to get a short haul to final destination. I currently don’t have too many delays at any of the stops, though my provider has updated my itinerary several times since booking for the return flight and for whether I’m entitled to be fed or not. I’m a little antsy about flying, not helped by the fact I’m flying with Air France and I dread looking for sympathy after some of the things I’ve said of those wonderful citizens of a fine country.

The flight itself cost £446 ($630) which is mostly tax, booked through the Opodo website. It uses eTickets to save time and to not need paper tickets, instead of paper tickets I’m advised to print out the confirmation of booking, the itinerary, emergency contacts and a few extra documents. To save paper.

So, my flight out leaves my local airport – Bristol – at 6:45 in the morning and after fourteen hours in flight with three and a half hours of stop overs, I arrive at a local time of 16:20-ish. My return flight, originally scheduled for about 9:30 in the morning, to allow me to get up and maybe say some goodbyes, has kindly been forced forward to 6:30 in the morning, though I still get home at the same time as my original booking of 10:30am local time – because they increased one of my stop overs by three hours.

“Is it Cologne with its great cathedral?
Milan with its glamour and its pace?
London with its river and its bridges?
Lisbon with its beauty and its grace?
[...]
Is it Dublin with its culture and its wit?
Madrid with its market square?
Paris with its bustling cafes?
Hull with its musical flair?”
~ Pretenders to the Throne, The Beautiful South

It’s been about a decade since I last had a proper vacation – and I use the term vacation because I’m developing my American language skills. I’ve had a few weekends away in the UK to see friends and a few overnights up and down the country for past work, and for the most part I’ve been happy with that, but it has been some considerable time since I’ve really set sail or spread wings for an adventure on a different shore.

It was about this time last year, or maybe just a tad later, that my mind was made up about going on a proper vacation. By May, I’d even decided exactly when and where I was going. I’m due to fly out in the middle of May this year. Now, given flight prices and the increase of simple agency vacations, it may seem a long time to go between the plan and the actual date, a lot can happen and change – and indeed has – during that time, and in the timespan I’ve seen a lot of people arrange a lot of weekend or week hops on budget flights for package holidays.

However, for me there was a lot of factors that I wanted to consider in the trip. The package holiday, for example, would not really have been suitable for a few reasons, firstly the location I’m going doesn’t tend to get a lot of deals in the local high street chains of travel agencies, it wouldn’t have been impossible but choice would have been limited and I’d have been stuck with the places they liked and their arrangements – this, however, may prove to be a drawback if all my organising gets a hit in the nuts.

It’s probably at this point that I should say about one of the most terrifying things of this trip. I’m travelling alone. Granted, I’m meeting up with people who live locally when I get there, but the travel and the residing, I’m on my own. With the exception of the forementioned UK short trips, I’ve never travelled alone before. I may keep mentioning this point, because it’s one that actually adds a lot of ‘adventure’ to the minutiae of my humble little vacation.

There have been and are, therefore, other considerations I have to take in to account, things like visas and the reissue of my passport; money, exchange rates and allowances; luggage and clothing; communication and entertainment; transport and mobility. All these things that I’ve never really had to think much on, either they were arranged for me, were ignorable because of how simple things were younger or they weren’t needed for the destination.

All these considerations affected the timing, I knew in May last year that if I wanted to travel I’d have to expect big spending. I worked on an assumption the it was going to cost me about three to three and a half thousand quid (£3000 or $4200) to cover all expenses and have spending cash enough for a damn good time. Having the new job was a must and I even managed to change job, drop pay, increase pay and still manage to keep saving on track.

I also made the rule, everything had to be paid from saving, no use of credit card because of shortfall and no overdraft or loan use. In fairness, this is potentially a dumb rule, because I’ve proven I can pay it back, but the temptation to misuse hasn’t been there and I haven’t gone without stuff in the meanwhile. Things took a little longer to sought out than they’d possibly have taken a person spending normally, for example, I waited until I could afford half the hotel and the plane far before booking the flight in October. Along the way I’ve made additional purchases, most of which are from seperate money pots and others have been very generous freebies, and there’s been quite a few arrangements that I hadn’t thought too much about but come up with ways around.

So, for a little while you may well find blog entries here about how an oversensitive, overthinking, paranoid, excited and scared Brit goes about booking a vacation that pretty much anyone else could probably do simply in minutes. For some of you, this may prove just a tad disappointing and redundant, but maybe, just maybe out there we’ll find someone who has never travelled alone, never had to make all those arrangements and never had to wonder how to set off on a big adventure. Maybe, just maybe, this will lead someone else to the biggest quest of their life.

Alternatively, it might just be enough of a source of filler entries until I get my mojo back. Hey, it’s this or lame comments about boring news stories.

I had wanted to keep the destination a tad secretive, but almost as soon as I said that I was going to take a trip, most people were able to work out very quickly the destination and reasons for going, and so the cat was out of the bag. But, I’m still going to hold on to a little bit of the mystery for those who don’t know, and unravel it bit by bit.

Good Friday the 13th by *GuiseDugal on deviantART

It’s coming up to Easter and as is traditional thoughts are turning to fish suppers on Good Friday, mine certainly is because I’m going to see Ed Byrne perform his comedy gig in the local theatre and it’s a tradition that my brother and I have to always hit the chippy afterwards – yes, I will put the tradition for fish and chips after comedy above fish for a religious observation. I’m a heretic, but one who follows the rules at the same time. I’m so complex.

But as I munch on my cod and chips, because that will be the type on offer, another fish is trying to get itself back on the market. Like a lot of people who try to find someone to nibble on them hungrily and devour them with feverish enjoyment, the fish in question has tried to change it’s image to become more attractive.

It isn’t a case of buying new cologne, in fact it still smells the same, and although it has changed its packaging to a more artful and stylish wardrobe, it hasn’t really changed that much of it’s look. No, instead it’s changed its name to something that people don’t mind saying out loud. But then, if your name was Pollack, you probably would too.

Pollack rebranded as Colin by Sainbury’s

Supermarket giant Sainsbury’s has re-named a type of fish Colin because customers are too embarrassed to ask for pollack.

The chain is promoting the seafood in the run up to Easter, as it tastes similar to cod and is more sustainable.

Ten stores will stock pollack in limited edition packaging designed by Red or Dead founder Wayne Hemingway, and inspired by artist Jackson Pollock.

But instead of the English name, it will be called Colin – the French word for hake, another member of the cod family.

Pollack is far more popular across the channel.

Mr Hemingway said: “As a keen fisherman it seems daft that pollack isn’t more popular, particularly when it’s readily available off our own coast, tastes great and is cheaper than cod.

“Image really is everything; so to help Colin stand out on-shelf we’ve used bold, bright colours and a design that is cheekily inspired by another well-known pollack (artist Jackson Pollock).”

Sainsbury’s said pollack is priced at £9.90 per kilo, while cod costs £11.49 at its stores.

Sales of cod increase by nearly a third during Easter weekend, a supermarket spokeswoman said and in March outstripped sales of pollack by 52,904 to 3,947.

Haddock was even more popular than cod with 98,722 units sold.

The specially designed packets will be stocked in 10 branches in the following locations: Islington, north London; Shrewsbury, Shropshire; Hove, Sussex; Hull, East Yorkshire; Maypole, East Midlands, Winterstoke Road, Bristol; Coldhams Lane, Cambridgeshire; Pound Lane, Norfolk; Archer Road, Sheffield; Marsh Mill, Plymouth.

(Source: Pollack rebranded as Colin by Sainbury’s, 06 April 2008, The Guardian)

This wouldn’t normally be something I’d care about, other than the amusing notion of changing a name of something basic to make it more appealing, but there was just something about the story that won me over: the ability to turn it so simply into innuendo.

Point to prove was on Facebook where the following took place after I posted a status on the topic. Name slightly changed to protect, because I never asked permission to copy (and mine because I can).

Facebook status: Guise hears that Colin tastes like cod, thats the load of pollacks Sainsburys are feeding us anyway…
A: what’s a pollack? hmmmm….
Me: Something slimy, salty and off-white in colour
A: man sperm?
Me: that was the first thing that came in to your head, hm?
A: yes, actually it really was. I’m not going to deny it.

Huzzah!

“Colin and chips” sounds wrong though, “Cod and chips” and “Pollack and chips” are good.

You remember the ominous box, right?

Sure you do, it was that great box of stuff that Dan and his lovely lady sent me through that was, quite literally, crammed with goodies from the States. The most amazing thing about the box was all the things that I’d heard of all through growing up, but never got to experience – while a lot of folks overseas actually see them as routine or mundane.

Amongst these treasures was several packets of Kool-Aid. 18 sachets to be exact.

This may still be surprising but in the UK we don’t have Kool-Aid, sure we have crystals to make gelatine desserts and milkshakes, but sugary fruit drinks just didn’t come up here, we instead use the syrupy squash and cordial mixes to tied us through the summer months and after-sports cool downs.

Our walls and fences remaining unmolested by glass pitchers over the generations, which seems such a shame. My first real memory of seeing anything related to Kool-Aid came from US comics, which were always seen as the smaller and more expensive version of British comics, seeing as most would be reprinted in other comics in full. Heck, Transformers in the UK used to feature an entire US issue, a US issue of Spiderman and a UK original strip from time to time, all crammed in and costing less than a monthly US comic – and ours was weekly or fortnightly.

But it was in these US comics that so many adverts would appear, mostly for zit cream, Chips Ahoy and Three Musketeers, but sometimes featuring Kool-Aid and what seemed like the greatest idea ever – this warehouse thing. We never really got pyramid schemes and coupon deals here, the nearest we had was collecting ‘proof of purchase’ for Action Force when they never really offered much trade-in.

Occassionally, imported tv shows would give a reference to the drink or you’d see a ‘typical american mom’ walk in to a room carrying a huge glass jug and the word Kool-Aid would become subtly imprinted in your brain, even if you had no idea what it was. Over time I learnt small things about it, the first that it was powder – not so shocking to a mind that had tried to add Nesquik powder to fizzy lemonade to try to make flavoured fizzy drinks (bear in mind though, the flavours were strawberry, banana or chocolate at the time). But not any more.

Here I was then, with a whole heap of choice, I had intended to pick one at random from a cap and mix that up so that it was really luck of the draw, heck I have my trusty Ness cap from the Mother and Smash series, it’s still sat atop the baseball bat in the corner of my room. But the inclusion of the Lemonade and Orange flavours might mean random selection leads to a less than dramatic ending. If it makes you feel better though, I’m happy to let us all pretend I went down the random route.

The flavour I ended up with, Black Cherry, which by a fortunate stroke is one of my favourite flavours for ‘jell-o’, ice cream and yoghurt. I had no doubts that it would be a good pick.

Now I decided to give myself a heads-up on the process for making Kool-Aid, I like thinking of it as a process, because it’s hardly a recipe. I was a little surprised that it was more than just mix with water, and the whole measuring thing was just a bit whacky.

You see there are two issues with the amount of Kool-Aid you get from a packet, the first is that it’s enough to fill a two quart pitcher, except in the UK we don’t tend to sell pitchers that big, and secondly we don’t tend to use quarts that much. So, I found out that a quart is about 1.1 litres, so it could make about 2 litres. This was about a litre bigger than the biggest jug I could get, except measuring jugs but that was going to be all plastic and spill-y.

So, you know, instead I figured that if I’m going to be using nearly two litres of water, why not just buy a two litre bottle of water and tip the Kool-Aid powder in that. Pretty sneaky, huh?

Yeeee-no. See the other step is to include a cup of sugar – and once again ‘damn you, imperial measures’ – so I had to remove enough water to allow that to be added. One whole cup of sugar seemed a lot, but we’ll see how that goes. I decided to use the finer caster sugar, it’s the same stuff just more finely granulated to break down in baking, this will prove important in a moment I assure you.

So, I tip in the Kool-Aid and, by God, it is amazing just how quickly the water changes to that burgundy colour and how much of the kitchen aroma changes from ‘we need to empty that bin, the packaging the steaks were in is starting to whiff’ to ‘ooh, black cherry’. The process looked almost magical, a small wisping cloud reaching in to the bottle and then spreading out.

Then I had to pour in the crystalized dental cavities, and I became increasingly aware of the amount of sugar this actually took, I’m probably going to take the suggestion of using sweetener instead next time, but for authenticity I had to see what the kids got.

Now, the thing about a pitcher is that it allows you to stir, the thing about a bottle is that you can’t really. However, I’m British and like any good male Brit I look for any opportunity to say “Shaken, not stirred”, and that’s exactly how I mixed it. This is where caster sugar pays off, because it dissolves much faster that granulated and without sediment. So after shaking my wild thang in the kitchen for three minutes ten seconds (enough time to listen to Rooster’s “Come Get Some“) it appeared ready, but it was room temperature so before I could taste the experiment, in the fridge it had to go.

After a while it was time to take the concoction from its chilled storage and give it a taste. I am so glad I chose Black Cherry, because it tasted just brilliant and so much like the jelly I love. I can see as well how some people can mix it for alcohol, because it slips down so well. I expected the cup of sugar to really make it sweet, but the flavouring had it’s own sharpness to keep that in check.

Man, I wish we had this when I was a kid, it’s nice to drink and fun to make – even if not the healthiest choice sugar wise. Brilliant stuff.

Toys and superheroes are a sure fire bet, whenever a cartoon series with a cool character comes along you can guarantee there will most likely be some kick-ass toys to accompany it – by the way, still looking for Ben10’s Gwen, GI Joe Dreadnoks and a Cyclonus that doesn’t fall about mid-transformation.

DC have always had a Batman figure on the market, it unsurprisingly consistently rolls out and gets some interest, sometimes they produce too many and folks like me get excuses to buy them and not feel too guilty or stupid, despite the fact that we then buy and pay more because even going over the top it’s still on sale.

The release of The Dark Knight bought a new wave of Batman figures to expand on the slightly limited range of Batman Begins figures, which at the time was perhaps being shortened due to the more cartoony version of figures for the animated series The Batman.

Whilst in my local supermarket, I spotted – in the way that geeks tend to, that being a slight glint in the peripheral vision leading to a sudden stop whilst pushing a shopping cart and causing a small child to smack in to the back of your leg and butt cheek – that they were discounting a whole load of Dark Knight figures, as well as Pokemon Diamond and Pearl, Power Rangers and Ben10 (but no Gwen) toys.

The deal was two figures for £8 or $11. What actually led to the purchase was seeing that if you bought them individually they were £7.97 each. Away I walked with four new figures. Well, after paying for them, away I walked, it would be rather ironic to shoplift crimefighter toys.

The four figures were: Bruce to Ninja; Grapnel Launcher Batman; Sonic Spy Batman; and, Punch Packing Joker.

The back of the packs reveal, in the good old fashioned way that toys have, what other toys there are to collect. From the Dark Knight range there are twelve figures, of which each pack only shows six, I happen to know there are a few more from just looking around (for example the overly neon PowerTek figures from the range aren’t included). The figures shown though are:

M5053 – Stealth Wing Batman (In bright blue costume repaint)
M5047 – Elasto-Cuffs Batman (Where it is now possible to fire handcuffs at villains on a length of cord and always apprehend them. Just as long as the handcuffs are dayglo orange)
M5045 – Staff Strike Batman (Where he gets HellBoy wristbands with pikeaxes sticking out)
M5048 – Grip Gear Batman (Quite a good one, in that he has suction pads to stick to glass. However, some websites show him as a fire red repaint, while he is the cool basic black on box)
MS060 – Swiss Blade Joker (Quite cool, Joker in a reverse colour scheme – green coat and pants, purple waistcoat – he carries a big metal case with weapons a-plenty)
M5058 – Fear Shot Scarecrow (A brilliant looking Scarecrow with a wristmounted Fear Gas sprayer)
M5061 – Punch Packing Joker
M5055 – Battle Belt Batman (The colour scheme on the box gives him a really awful camo outfit, some websites put him in grey and baby blue, either way he has a missile launcer thing)
M5052 – Ultimate Chain Attack Batman (How to put this, he’s wearing a goldish-brown and weilding an oversized tripple chainsaw. If he was in basic black with red splatter it would be the perfect Resident Evil crossover figure)
M5050 – Parachute Batman (I’m not sure why this Batman has bright green shoulder pads on top of his cape)
M5044 – Grapnel Launcher Batman

I really want to go back and see if I can get a Scarecrow, Swiss Blade Joker, Ultimate Chain Attack Batman and, well, anything to round it off to sale price again. If I do get a Chainsawing Bats, you can bet I’m taking one of the plain black suited figures and blood splattering him.

Bruce to Ninja
For a line that was marked up for The Dark Knight it seemed a bit odd to include Bruce’s ninja training from the first film, however I’m very much in favour of being able to actually have a Bruce Wayne and I can see how Business Suit to Batman might not have sold so greatly.

The set includes Bruce in ninja training garb and a batsuit torso that you can fit over him to ‘transform’ to Batman. It also features a very thick chunky sword shaped thing that opens up in to a fan, as well as a spiked gauntlet.

Personally, even as a kid I’d have preferred the Business Suit to Batman, because suited arms and legs would match the torso better. Yeah, I wasn’t co-ordinated in a wardrobe as a kid, but dammit my action figures better be.

Grapnel Launcher Batman
The better of the two Batman figures that I picked up, in my opinion. The figure is the basic black suited Batman – which is highly detailed and sculpted, though luckily not to the point of including batnipples – with a slightly oversized grapnel gun, obviously oversized to fit the spring mechanism for it to fire.

The gold coloured grapnel is roughly shaped like a bat and the gun does seem fairly in keeping with movie versions of hook-and-line weapons, with feasible areas to store cord and winch devices.

Sonic Spy Batman
Remember in Dark Knight where Batman fired those sticky bombs to the windows? Yeah, this is nothing like that. How about the bit where Batman unloaded a device the size of a cement mixer to fire a listening device so he could be all stealthy?

The basic black suited mold is back, and this time his gadget is fairly insane. Batman comes equipped with a huge missile launcher with a satellite dish and a missile that lets him listen in to things. The launcher itself is bigger than his torso and described as ‘fully portable’ on the back of the pack.

Punch Packing Joker
Got to love a Joker figure, if only for his clothing. Purple long coat, pants, shirt and tie, with a green waistcoat. His green hair is wavy, though as well as being long it does seem to be receeding giving him a noticable amount of forehead, maybe if they’d parted it a little differently.

The Joker figure is equipped with a missile launcher, which I could quite believe was inspired from the Police Van Chase Scene in Dark Knight, except that because the toys are obviously aimed at children they couldn’t just have Joker firing a missile, it had to be a missile with a boxing glove at the end.

Having seen the Batman Activity Book that was brought out for kids, which yes I own and may review sometime, I can understand that they’ve taken a few steps to still cash in on kids love of Batman and keep it tied to something current and hip. Heck, Two-Face gets majorly dropped all over, talk about discrimination.

The Joker figure is cool though, possibly second best to the Burton movie Joker figure because he had a hat and the long barreled revolver, not needing to soften down for the kids. He outwins the other Sark Knight tie-in Joker just because it’s a better colour combination.

“What gives you the right? What’s the difference between you and me?!”
“I’m not wearing hockey pads.”
The Dark Knight

If there is one thing that Higglytown Heroes teaches us, it is that everyone is a hero in there own right. Alright, so maybe doctors, police and firefighters train to hone their skills but don’t get to wear the spandex or get the better gimmicks like your day-to-day superheroes do, people like Creep Child Molestor Man and his sidekick Indecent Exposure Boy, but only a small percentage of heroes get to be superheroes. The Medical, Law and Rescue heroes are still heroes.

But this isn’t about day-to-day normal heroes, nor is it about Higglytown Heroes – and to be honest I’m not quite sure where I was going with that as an opening anyway. This is about superheroes and one mans quest to be a hero. Not the hero we deserve, not even the hero we need right now, but the hero we’re going to get regardless.

A lot of people had made their own series on YouTube in the wake of The Dark Knight, some of them are almost works of art (The Joker Blogs stands out as a shining example) and some of them are cringe worthy and best left to clutter up the Related Videos listing.

Back in November 2008 a new series started on YouTube, made by some young brits with perhaps the greatest concept of the time, something at the time I couldn’t help dropping messages to everybody about. The series was Becoming Batman and the concept was both simple and genius at the same time: track a man most unlikely for the role as he becomes Batman.

The very notion of a British attempt at Batman, if not already amusing enough, is coupled with the most unlikely candidate. There are really only three options to take with a concept like that, either you take it as a serious documentary, as a half-serious mockumentary or as a complete spoof.

The series has recently come to a close, at least for this story arc, so I thought I’d give a review of the series. Spoilerific, so you may want to watch through it first.

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In the world of Nintendo some years ago, there was a giant frog named Wart who tried many nefarious schemes. Obviously he is rather forgettable to a fashion, featuring only really in Super Mario Bros 2, Doki Doki Panic, tenuously in Links Awakening and in some tie-in comics and stories for the Mario series. In Super Mario Bros 2, you can lead to his downfall thanks to a mushroom (named Toad), a mushroom princess (Toadstool) and two Italian-Americans.

In the real world, or at least this one, fungi is currently wiping out frog species across the world. Batrachochytrium dendrobatidis is apparently the leading suspect in an amphibian genicide plot, but this post doesn’t link to any Italian-Americans, but more to the Scottish.

You see, the Scottish are not just trying to preserve certain species of frog, but may actually be planning some much more sinister.

Fife aquarium breeds deadly frogs

A frog so poisonous that it can kill up to 200 people has been successfully bred at a Fife aquarium.

The golden arrow poison dart frog secretes toxin from its skin, which is used by south American tribesmen to poison their blow-gun darts.

The amphibian is under threat in the wild due to loss of habitat and pollution in its native region of Chaco in West Colombia.

Deep Sea World in North Queensferry has now bred nine of the frogs.

The centre’s breeding programme will play an important role in protecting the species by reducing the number of frogs being taken from the wild for captivity.

Scientists believe the frogs produce their chemical arsenal by metabolising toxins contained in their prey – mostly insects, ants and other invertebrates.

Michael Morris, Deep Sea World aquarist, said: “These beautiful frogs are under increasing threat in the wild due to loss of habitat and pollution and we are delighted to have been able to breed them successfully here in Scotland.

“It’s imperative we are able to mimic exactly their wild environment in order for the species to thrive in captivity and it’s a real achievement they are breeding so successfully.

“They’ve passed the critical stage of development from tadpoles into froglets and they now look like perfect miniature replicas of their parents.”

There are about 70 different species of poison dart frogs found throughout the rainforests of central and south America.

Loss of habitat threatens their long-term survival chances and captive breeding programmes are being set up worldwide to try and safeguard their future.

Despite their deadly status, it is hoped that the golden arrow frog could one day help save lives.

Medical researchers are developing muscle relaxants, heart stimulants, and anaesthetics made from the frogs’ toxins which have the potential to become a far more effective and less addictive alternative to morphine.

(Source: Fife aquarium breeds deadly frogs, BBC News, 18 March 2009)

The guise of furthering medical advances has been used so much as a cover for destructive means, from Umbrella Corporation to VersaLife scandals. I’m sure you will agree that the only logical conclusion to this is that the Scottish are sneaky and breeding a bio-weapon – a bio-weapon for which they know how to eradicate afterwards.

When the world is looking to exterminate with laser beams other things that can kill us, why else would any country look to increase the number of another species that can have a more direct and imminent threat to life.

As the article points out, these creatures are ’so poisonous that [they] can kill up to 200 people’, which is much more effective than most suicide bombers and with training from the Scottish regiments and Glaswegian alcoholics it’ll have tremendous hand-to-hand and weapons training. It already has stealth skin for covert missions.

What’s more, once released the threat of these Kermit Kill Squads is total. Similar to Zombies in a bustling metropolis, the frogs will be in their element, with the whole island spread out before them in an ever damp, dank and dark field of battle.

I am now left to wonder whether a Scottish variant of InGen was involved in this debacle, and just like they used frog DNA to make dinosaurs, they also used frog DNA to make, well, frogs. If so, and with their tendency to always lose a few of their creations, then it might just explain the mutant discovered in the local area back in 2004.

Our only hope is to find a natural predator. We need a creature that will be able to hunt and consume every last creature before the destroy our population. We need…the French.

Oh man, we’re boned.

We are going to blow the hell out of those dumb bugs until we don’t have anything left to shoot ‘em with! And then, we are going to strangle them with their own-living-guts!
- Sgt. Johnson, Halo

Over a year ago I made a small promotional video that some of you might remember. DugalCorp had designed a device to assist people in ridding themselves of bees, wasps and other nuisance creatures: The Tac-B-Boom. The Tac-B-Boom was designed as the first tactical nuclear deterrent to garden annoyances, with a promise that one missile with mid-yield warhead would obliterate all nuisance within a 1.25 mile radius, as well as taking care of other annoyances such as neighbours overhanging shrubs and yapping dogs.

It seems that either I was ahead of my time, or that scientists are ripping off ideas from DugalCorp through Science Ninja Teams skilled in corporate espionage, and damn them for putting it to some silly little ’sensible and helpful purpose’. They give doing thing For SCIENCE! a bad name.

‘Star Wars’ scientists create laser gun to kill mosquitoes

Scientists in the U.S. are developing a laser gun that could kill millions of mosquitoes in minutes.

The laser, which has been dubbed a “weapon of mosquito destruction” fires at mosquitoes once it detects the audio frequency created by the beating of its wings.

The laser beam then destroys the mosquito, burning it on the spot.

Developed by some of the astrophysicists involved in what was known as the “Star Wars” anti-missile programs during the Cold War, the project is meant to prevent the spread of malaria.

Lead scientist on the project, Dr. Jordin Kare, told CNN that the laser would be able to sweep an area and “toast millions of mosquitoes in a few minutes.”

Malaria is a life-threatening disease caused by parasites that are transmitted to people from the bites of female mosquitoes.

It is particularly prevalent in tropical and sub-tropical regions of the world and kills an African child every 30 seconds, according to the World Health Organization.

There are an estimated 300 million acute cases of malaria each year globally, resulting in more than one million deaths, the WHO reports.

Responding to questions about any potential harm the laser could pose to the eco-system, Kare said: “There is no such thing as a good mosquito, there’s nothing that feeds exclusively on them. No one would miss mosquitoes,” he said.

“In any case,” he added. “The laser is able to distinguish between mosquitoes that go after people and those that aren’t dangerous. What remains to be seen is how precise we can get.”

He added that other insects would not be affected by the laser’s beam.

Kare said the lasers could be mounted on lamp post-type poles and put around the circumference of villages, to create a kind of “fence” against mosquitoes.

The research was commissioned by Intellectual Ventures, a Washington, U.S.-based company that was founded by Nathan Myhrvold, a former Microsoft Corporation executive.

His previous boss, Bill Gates, who funded the research, asked Myhrvold to look into new ways of combating malaria.

(Source: ‘Star Wars’ scientists create laser gun to kill mosquitoes, CNN, 16 March 2009)

“There is no such thing as a good mosquito”, for me that line needs to be said while rubbing or wringing ones hands together, head bowed and face shadowed except for the eyes and smirk. The idea of tiny mosquitoes flying through a perceived impenetrable field of targetted lasers with a sweep-and-destroy programming is none-the-less cool.

Though I’m not sure I agree with their removal of the ability to create giant mutant monsters as a side effect.

“I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”
Stephen Fry, A Bit of Fry And Laurie

We all have our moments of delusion, where we think of the ‘What If’ of our own little universes, where we play a role in our head that exaggerates the mundane practice that we are doing. Whether it be imagining ourselves as a rockstar as we sing in the shower, a top chef as we prepare the simplest of meals or that sexy bartender serving a divine cocktail while we entertain guests with over-the-top mixing.

For me, the ability to play as crackpot Dr Mindbender, as deranged GLaDOS or as a freak scientist who understands that “Nazi Science sneers” at everything, is often too great to pass up.

One of the great things about my current work is how beneficial it is to my brand of scientific research. My brand, of course, being entirely random, inconsequential and poorly measured research. Being based on hospital grounds and with close access to doctors and emergency medical staff means that any problems during experiments can be dealt with quickly and quietly, and in addition the current personnel in the area provides a great source of victimunteers for test subjects.

In fact, for my most recent experiment the test subjects actually showed willing and eager for the most part, showing only signs of reluctance in small doses – and often with great reason. You see my most recent endeavour was designed to monitor exposure to substances and materials that I was uncertain of the hazard level for. There was the ominous thought of fatalities and incapacity as a result, but experimentation was needed in the name of SCIENCE!

I have commented previously on the materials that my test subjects were exposed to, and though I had previously exposed myself to a significant dosage of one of the materials, I had yet to further study the effects of all of them. I refer, of course, to the new six flavours of Walkers crisps.

This was to be a thorough test of the tastes and reactions to the new flavours, so I had a number of considerations to take care of, including subjects, resources and measuring.

I decided beforehand that just testing the flavours myself would not be good enough, that I’d need to test them on others to get conclusive feedback. I’d considered shipping the items to test subjects in North America, however timing the tests and pure logistics made that too difficult to carry out – there was also the fear of not being able to pass customs. Luckily, as I already mentioned, my colleagues were ready to assist me. My only regret is that I didn’t have time to get them orange jumpsuits and heart monitors or tattoo barcodes on their cheek under their eye. It’s a small regret, but I can’t deny it is there.

I ended up with seven victimunteers, with additional bodies taking samples as we conducted research. It is only due to the dynamics of the office I am in, but all the test subjects were female. I am frequently outnumbered. The test subjects will be referred to as LD, JQ, EC, RK, SS, AC and AS. I also subjected myself to the materials tested, because in the event of one flavour giving access to superpowers I wanted to be in with a shot.

Resources was simple, because after having to wait and search for so long, now the crisps were available in assorted variety packs. However, although the packs were supplying six individual packets of crisps, each only contained three of the flavours. Wilkinsons came to the rescue though, with a deal of “2 for £2″. Truly, without this deal my test subjects would never have been submitted to some of the horrors presented to them.

Measuring gave me a tricky ride. If I went in to too much detail then it would be difficult to keep peoples interest up, and because I was passing stuff around in work I didn’t want to distract from duty and be found out for carrying out experiments during shift. If, on the other hand, I did not provide enough detail then I would have nothing here to comment on. It is quite the dilemma.

The flavours under review:
* Cajun Squirrel
* Duck and Hoisin Sauce
* Fish and Chips
* Chocolate and Chili
* Builders Breakfast
* Onion Bhaji

I settled for simplicity and a happy medium, composing a ’smiley face’ tick system for initial feeling and a commentary box. The smiley face system comprised of six options to choose from: Best Flavour Ever; It’s Pretty Good; It’s Ok; It’s Not Good; It’s Gross; I Need Medical Attention!

If you are interested, then you can see the original document here.

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I haven’t really posted and the last week and a bit have been very draining and despairing, both work and personal life, so I haven’t felt like doing anything – well, I’ve wanted to do a lot of things that would be considered very bad ideas but nothing worthwhile.

But, some things that I’ve done that I just haven’t linked to lately.

and

I haven’t really tried anything in the box yet, because I really want to be able to serve it it’s due justice. I am, however, very greatful to Dan and Michelle for the care package.

Yes, finally they have hit the shops and the first place I saw them…the hospital cafeteria (which is a frightening place, I tell ya). What are they, you ask? The new “Do Us A Flavour” crisps from Walkers and amongst them was the one I was waiting for.

Not so long ago Walkers crisps, who my American friends will more likely know as a European version of chip-company Frito Lays, ran a promotion on their crisps inviting the public to “Do Us A Flavour” and send in suggestions for new flavours of crisps. Now, as our good friend, Dan, can testify due to a bulk sending of crisps before Christmas, the UK is not short on ‘interesting’ flavours of crisps. For an idea of the flavours, check out the Wiki page for the current range.

If it hadn’t been for my friend Tink – who may not actually get to read this but who is in part to blame for squirrelly content on my blog and solely responsible, as prime victim, for the creation of the Squirpion – I would not have known before hand just which flavour would have me the most excited. In fact, Tink told me about the crisps in a simple email in the middle of January in a message that read: “IT WAS YOU! WASN’T IT!!!! ALL YOU!”

From that point on I searched every store, waiting for the first place to release that scared product!

Cajun Squirrel is rather mildly spiced, in face it’s only really a bog-standard spice mix (not even bayou-standard), and the ingrediants do not contain squirrel in any percentage (including any kind of meat flavouring), they even state that no squirrels were harmed in making them and it’s suitable for vegetarians.

What is the point in that? At the very least I want a squirrel to have been cleaned up, put in a pair of trunks (a bikini for a girl squirrel) and told to do a few laps of the flavourings vat. They could have even done squirrel swimming races, with very eager squirrels waxing their bodies believing it makes them aerodynamic. Or as I said to the lovely Dio:

Me: i want my cajun squirrel crisps to contain squirrel though, or at least have had a squirrel swimming in the vat of flavouring
Me: synchronised squirreling
Dio: XD;;;; that sounds slightly not tasty
Me: lil squirrels in speedos and bikinis, maybe with tight swim caps on…
Dio: XD
Me: a fat squirrel doing a cannonball from the edge
Me: two young squirrels being told to get out of the vat as no petting is allowed
Dio: ^^;;;;
Me: baby squirrels with inflated rubber armbands
Dio: XD
Me: and the dorky baby squirrel who has come with armbands, a waist belt with a ducky, flippers on his feet, goggles, a snorkel, nose plugs…
Me: i like saying snorkel
Dio: XD

Now, ages ago there was a segment on Gordon Ramsey’s Channel 4 show The F Word where he discussed squirrel eating in some detail, because the grey squirrel in the UK is considered vermin and landowners have the right to destroy and dispose of grey squirrels as they see fit, including private consumption. I know that this is also true in the US, where a lot of roadkill cafes or some vendors do a nice trade.

It seems though that we just can’t seem to want to be seen snacking on the little fellows to include them on our menu, which I can’t help thinking is a bit of a shame if we’re willing to eat rabbit and are so defensive of the red squirrel.

I want to have so much squirrel in my crisps that the bag advises “Warning: May contain nut traces”!

In other news, last week I got this through the mail:

From Dan and ‘chelle. Ominous Box is Ominous. More to come. Said2beavirtue.

There was a recent news story that has such a level of pure awesomeness to it that it has to be shared, not least because I know our wonderful friend, Dio, will much appreciate the Nordical connection.

Godly reckoning for home intruder

An intruder received a taste of divine reckoning as he was chased from the Edinburgh flat he was breaking into by a man dressed as the Norse god Thor.

The housebreaker leapt from the first-floor window of the building to escape Torvald Alexander who was dressed-up for a New Year’s fancy dress party.

Mr Alexander, 39, said the man may have been intimidated by the costume he made of the god of thunder out of tin foil.

The intruder did not manage to take anything from the flat in Inverleith.

Mr Alexander said the man landed on a pitched roof outside the window which broke his fall, before making his escape.

He left behind his shoes and a pitch fork he used to break into the building.

Mr Alexander, a builder, said he was inspired to dress as Thor by the Marvel comic series.

The Norse believed that Thor rode through the heavens during thunderstorms on his chariot, which was pulled by two goats.

Lightning flashed whenever he threw his hammer Mjollnir, which magically returned to him.

He was usually depicted as a big, powerful man with eyes of lightning and a red beard.

(Source: Godly reckoning for home intruder, 02 January 2009, BBC News)

In their article, with the highly inspired and creative headline “Burglar scared off by man dressed as Thor after New Year party“, the British newspaper The Telegraph had this to add:

Burglar scared off by man dressed as Thor after New Year party
A construction firm manager returning from New Year’s Eve fancy dress party scared off a burglar by charging at him dressed as the Norse god Thor.

Six-foot tall Torvald Alexander, 38, was wearing a red cape and the thunder god’s silver-winged helmet when he spotted the raider in his front room rifling through a desk.

Mr Alexander, who runs building firm Alexander & Summers in Edinburgh, Scotland, said the burglar threw himself out of a first floor window of his £350,000 home in the Inverleith area of the city after being caught red handed.

Mr Alexander said: “As soon as he saw me his eyes went wide with terror.

“He looked like he had had a few drinks and decided to do a late night break in, but he hadn’t counted on the God of Thunder living here.”

He added: “I had just got back from a fancy dress New Year’s party and because I have a Norwegian name I decided to go as Thor.

“It took ages making the cape, helmet and breast plate, and I must admit it was a bit chilly walking home, but when I saw that guy I just went mad and charged at him, my cape flying behind me.

“I think if I had had Thor’s hammer with me I might have scared him to death.”

Norse legend Thor has a magical hammer, called Mjolnir, which returns to him after knocking out his enemies foe magically returns to the superhero. It can also throw lightning bolts at enemies.

Mr Alexander said that the burglar had not managed to steal anything, but had left his shoes at the scene.

He said: “He had obviously taken off his shoes to creep about in silence, but when he saw me he just jumped out of the window in his socks.

“It will make him think again before breaking into other people’s homes. Hopefully it’s taught him a lesson.”

Mr Alexander said he was contacting police and was going to hand over the burglar’s shoes in the hope police can trace him.

An £80m blockbuster based on the Norse god is due to be released in 2010 after Kenneth Branagh agreed to direct it.

James Bond star Daniel Craig was rumoured to be taking the lead role, but no actors have so far been confirmed.

If there is any question as to how imposing the sight of the God of Thunder actually is, the Telegraph included a photograph of Alexander in the costume. It is actually quite astounding for a costume made entirely of sheets and scrunches of kitchen foil, covered with a large red sheet. The helmet is particulary impressive.

The thought of a burgular creeping around in his socks and then abandoning his shoes in a mad dash, in a criminal Cinderella-esque manuever amuses me greatly, but when coupled with leaping from a window because Thor is standing before you, there is far too much brilliance to be captured. I can quite see this in my head as one of those cartoon moments where eyes pop out, jaw hits floor and a human-shaped hole appears in a wall – followed by a shiny Thor laughing with fists on hips.