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14 February, 2004 (13:31) | Valentines | By: Guise Dugal

Valentine’s Day needs to be over soon….

Today is a very special day for couples everywhere. It’s a day devoted to loving your special partner in this world, to spend time together and grow as one, so that your passion can burn stronger and soar like a love struck retarded eagle. Well no, that’s all bullshit. Today is the day that all the guys spend tons of money scrambling around town like chumps buying flowers, candies, and sparkly jewelry for their woman folk, while single people spend the day crying into a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and watching reruns of The Gong Show. This day has always been the bane of man, designed purely to cripple his will, to make him weaker year by year, until the woman has total control over his soul and controls him like a hairy hand puppet. I also have a new theory that all women are shape-shifting demons sent by Loki to torment mankind for his sick amusement. I’ve tried to prove this by opening them up and trying to find the demons inside them, but most expired before I could totally finish my experiments. Until I figure out a way to make them last long and to Scotch Guard my basement furniture, we might never know the truth.[Source : "Happy Valentine's Day You Slobs!" - Reid Paskiewicz (Something Awful, 14 February 2004)]

Something Awful never fails to be entertaining in some way. Good going. Yay, you.

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