The Ramblings of Guise Dugal

After I got up we went down to town. I wanted to avoid the clowns as they were planning a parade between 11:00 – 13:00, but as we were walking around the back of the Winter Gardens we couldn’t help but spot a group as they climbed out a taxi. Two in the back, one in the front. I can’t see what is so amusing about clowns in a car! Worse than that, one of them pulled out their horn, gave it squeeze and honked at me while smiling. FREAK!

Went for a bacon sandwich and blue raspberryade, and then came home. On route we discussed a plan for clowns, mainly my plan with a few Tim comments that joined it together. I wish I had an MP3 dictaphone sometimes.

Tim started it by suggesting they change the parade into a shooting gallery, however, I found it more entertaining to bring back some of the more interesting elements of the circus – fights for survival. Each clown would have a knife strapped to their wrist and a tamers whip, they’d be sent into the Circus to fight to the death, and occasionally lions would be released. The clowns could use pies, but they’d be burning hot and some of the may contain nuts to add risk to the proceedings; they’d also be allowed to use oversized hammers and battery acid in a squirting flower.

Clown cars would make up the chariot race in a Death Race 2000 style, running over clowns to score points. The pedestrian clowns would be equipped with mallets to attack drivers.

Tim pointed out it wouldn’t be right, because clowns deaths aren’t funny. I illustrated the point :

Wembley Stadium, thousands in attendance, capacity crowd. Two clowns stand in the centre of the area, both wear oversized shiny red shoes, baggy trousers and have knives attached to their wrists by leather straps. They look at each other with fear in their eyes but a smile on their face. The First charges forward with knife pointing out, he gets two steps but trips over his shoes and prat falls on his face. The Second rushes in, but trips over the First, tumbles and rolls to the chorus of honks and cymbols.They stand up and look at each other. Then they look down.

They spot the knives in their chests where they’ve both managed to fall on their knives. At the same time they fall backwards, dead.

Tim sniggered, proving clown deaths have some entertainment value.

I pointed out that Jesters and Mimes would be safe, as Jesters are just sarcastic humourists with lepers clothing and Mimes are harmless, anyone stupid enough to lock themselves in a glass box is no threat. Any other clown would have to be rounded up, and agreed that this may cause some clowns to go underground, normalising their garish clothes into items like neon nylon shellsuits and reducing their make-up to a touch of eyelinr.

This isn’t unprecedented, in the secret clownhunts of the 80s and 90s, a number of clowns took this method and made a career for themselves, keeping the novelty appearance. Timmy Mallet and The Chuckle Brothers were actually evading capture under new identities.

I suggested clownhunts to be carried out in a manner of ways : get them to walk in a straight line without falling over and tumbling; throw a custard pie at them, if it hits and they punch you then they are ok, if they honk a horn then they are clowns.

Tim likened this to the FBI hunt for Communists and the idea that to avoid breaching rights how Communism was considered a disease not a political or religious belief. I agreed that this is how Clownunism should be treated. How a President would one day stand up and admit “When I was in college, I experimented with clowning. I did a prat fall…but I did not honk. It was Peer Pressure, everyone else was climbing into little cars…”

Tim pointed out that Lenny Henry had been corrupting the nation, and it’s youth, for years with this Comic Relief “Red Nose Day” idea. I agree, he’s been telling kids to try on a nose, that they wouldn’t know they liked it unless they try it, and every time the price of the nose increases and increases. Kids do it too, because their freinds, and celebrities, are all doing it. Is it any surprise they are helping famine and drought in Afrikea, they waste so much food in custard pies and baked bean baths, and use water for falling in or spraying from soda dispensers. AS Tim put it “Congratulations, you’ve managed to hold clowns responsible for all the world’s problems”, and as I told him, no, they did that themselves.

I planned to go undercover in a Happiness Patrol, dressed as the Joker, to find these clowns. After finding proof of their jovial lifestyles I would proceed to put them out of my misery.

I have to go back into town this afternoon to see Dave, luckily the clowns should be herded into parks by then to corrupt children.

I’m on to you, Clown, I’m on to you!