The Ramblings of Guise Dugal

Just on Squirpions and Super-Squirpions.

“They strike during thunderstorms,” the wisened old man said, chewing on the end of his old wooden pipe. The glint of his eyes still visible through that choking haze. The girl opposite him rubbed her gloved hands together, a sign of the worry she felt inside her from what she had seen the night before.At first she thought the old man mad when he had warned her the previous week of creatures that infested these estates, now she wanted to know all the secrets this man knew. She had followed his request for the guiness and obliged in his request to start his pipe, despite her own dislike at the odour. She had not even moved back when the old man ha leaned in, bearing his yellow-brown teeth in the wide smile and spoke through his his foul breath.

“First you hear the skitter of paws. The front claws tap quickly and run across the metal inside an an air vent, or the wood beneath your floor boards. Then as you, half awakened from your slumber, look to the air vent you see that it is illuminated above your bed by the sudden flash of lightning. They watch you as you lay there, their eyes barely twitching the entire time, gleaming with reflected light.  They extend their arms towards your frame, their pinchers opening and closing in anticipation.

As you try to focus on their shadowy form, the thunder crashes around you, and that is when they leap! You see, they use these skin folds to glide down to your half-sleeping form, landing atop your bed or even your body so lightly that you barely feel their presence. Perhaps it was a dream, but then on the next crash they lunge their spiny tail, it’s tip diving into your milky flesh and you feel the pressure of their poison as it moves into your veins and it will be the last thing you feel.”

The old man sat back, his body seemed to have been drained from the telling of his story. He moved slowly, unbuttoning the top of his grey shirt and pulling back the left side to reveal a deep fleshy scar, “You never feel their pinchers, but you watch as they rip into you, your eyelids can not close the entire time. It is like a nightmare you are unable to change. Once they’ve had their fill they will hide once more, pray that they find their way out elsewise they will remember their easy prey. You must be aware of the dangers and fear the Squirpion!”

Eerie thing is, I had the guy from the Jasper Carrott story of getting rid of moles in mind when I was writing this, “Ar, there’s only one way to get rid of a mole…BLOW ‘IS BLOODY ‘EAD ORF!”

So, heres some details on the Squirpions

•  
  Origin : Unknown evolution.
  Size : Head / Body 23 – 30 cm, tail 15 – 25 cm. Weight 300 – 700g.
  Description : Most commonly adorned in a grey coat, though it may contain a number of brown hairs. The tail is hardened and uncovered, featuring a large sharp point that is used to inject toxin. Pinchers on front legs/arms are used to tear and crush.
  Habitat :  Prefer urban parks and gardens. Most commonly found in the South of Britain, including Cornwall, Devon and Somerset.
  Nest : Often found near houses or restaurants, where food for young is plentiful.
  Young : Undocumented 

The Squirpion (Sciurus Scorpionida) is a rather new addition to British wildlife, it’s origin and evolution are mostly unknown and they are more often found in a grey furred variety.Unlike most squirrels, the Squirpions are commonly nocturnal, with major peaks of activity 2 – 3 hours after dusk and 2 – 3 hours before dawn in summer and a single evening peak in winter. They do not hibernate, nor suffer much from wet and cold, they are also accomplished swimmers and have found in ponds retrieving fish.

They are found rarely in the countryside, but tend to live in built up areas where they have taken to feed on smaller scraps of food during all seasons. The Squirpions are mostly omnivores, but are also established as hunters of larger prey, such as fish, rodents and in packs birds and small kittens.

Squirpions attack their pray using their sharp tails that can inject a non-fatal toxin into it’s prey that has a paralysing effect, while the prey is still conscious the Squirpion will use its strong, sharp pinchers to tear at flesh and nibble away while still fresh. This allows the prey to be returned to or released. Often a Squipion will use it’s inherent gliding ability, utilising loose areas of stretchy skin to make a parachute, to fall from high spots onto prey and strike quickly.

There are reports of hungry, stray Squirpions being found attacking humans, this usually results in a few hours of paralysis and scarring, but aside from any emotional anguish there are no lasting effects. As Squirpions are nocturnal, the most common attack on humans comes from squirpions trapped inside houses and on often on sleeping victims.

The most common occurences of attacks on larger prey often takes place during thunderstorms, and it has be theorised that the attacks may be tied to stresses caused by atmospheric pressures.

An even rarer variant of the Squirpion is said to exist once in every generation, these possess a greater strength and viciousness than common Squirpions, and are the variant most commonly associated with attacks on humans. This variant has been witnessed tearing fabric or leaves to make artcles to adorn it’s body. Though the belief is there is only one in each generation, the number of sightings indicate that this variant is more of a proportion of the populace and occurs as an off-shhot of the race. These have been dubbed the Super-Squirpion, Hero Squirpion or Ugly Vicious Bastard.

Tink, I’m so sorry. Really I am!

Tags: squirpions, squirrels