The Ramblings of Guise Dugal

In December 2006 I mentioned how I Need An Evil Real Estate Agent…Easy Enough… upon learning about Viganella, a small town in the Alps that has extended periods of darkness and is surrounded by mountains and forests. Unfortunately, this hasn’t become mine, but I still keep my options open, and the news papers are always a point of inspiration.

We’ll start with the most audacious of plots and work backwards, shall we? That way we can work on budget constraints!

Option 1: World Domination – Plan #5037 (Operation: Licking the Liech)

Conquer existing country and claim it as your own, forming an equivalent to Latveria.

Liechtenstein: no retaliation for Swiss ‘invasion’

Swiss soldiers accidentally crossed into neighbouring Liechtenstein yesterday.The Swiss army is not renowned for its aggressive expeditionary adventures – but it does appear to have accidentally invaded Liechtenstein.According to the Swiss daily Blick, around 170 infantry soldiers from the famously neutral country wandered more than a mile across the unmarked border with the tiny principality.The incident happened yesterday morning and the Swiss troops turned back – probably slightly sheepishly – after they realised their mistake.

A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story, but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion, the Associated Press reported.

“We’ve spoken to the authorities in Liechtenstein and it’s not a problem,” spokesman Daniel Reist said.

As well as the obligatory Swiss army knives, the troops were armed with assault rifles – however, they had no ammunition, Mr Reist said.

Officials in Liechtenstein, which is on Switzerland’s eastern borders, also sought to play down the incident.

Markus Amman, an interior ministry spokesman, said nobody in Liechtenstein had even noticed the soldiers. “It’s not like they stormed over here with attack helicopters or something,” he said.

If the Swiss had decided to invade and annex Liechtenstein, which has a population of around 34,000, it probably would have been a walkover. Liechtenstein is a quarter the size of the Isle of Man, and does not have an army.

The Swiss / Liechtenstein episode may stir memories for some of an accidental invasion of Spain by British marines five years ago after they misplaced Gibraltar while on exercises, much to the alarm of local fishermen.

(Source: Guardian online, 02 March 2007)

If the Swiss can make an invasion, then anyone can. The trick is to get a group of British Royal Marines lost enough, so that they end up in the double-landlocked country. This may prove difficult, but given our boys, nothing is impossible if we have faith. To quote the Guardian’s other article:

The marines beat a hasty retreat and went off to find the real Gibraltar. This, locals observed, was easily recognisable because it had a 1,398ft high rock sticking out of it.

The benefit of Liechtenstein, besides its non-existent military, low population for revolts and existing free-enterprise, it can simply have one letter removed to sound ominous.

On capture, it would become Lichtenstein. Genetic, medical and prosthetic sciences would be welcomed, obviously.

Of course, it needn’t be a military coup, as I know I can just buy land on the Austrian and Swiss borders and build a few temples, coliseums and theatres, and wait until their land just becomes mine!

Option 2 World Domination – Plan #5038 (Operation: Mole-X-Station)

Taking the Buffy the Vampire Slayer line “from beneath you it devours” as inspiration, and this time not for ‘romantic liaison’, comes this plan. A repeat of the TURNSTILE/Hawthorn bunker in Wiltshire, or an underground NORAD complex, but in a place much more deserving of secret bases: Siberia!

World’s biggest hole

It could perhaps be mistaken for the hole left in Roman Abramovich’s bank balance after his reported £5bn divorce today.

But it is in fact a diamond mine which is the world’s largest man-made hole.

The Mir Diamond Pipe in eastern Siberia plunges 574 yards into the frozen earth and its vast mouth has a diameter of almost one mile, making it clearly visible from Space.

The 220-ton rock-hauling trucks that travel down the road to its bottom take two hours to return back to its lip and look like matchbox toys against the gargantuan rock face.

Fifty years ago today since it was discovered, the mine is now largely disused since its official closure in April 2004, but its legend lives on.

(Source: Metro online, 14 March 2007)

This one could be slightly difficult, building a base of operation in an existing military power isn’t usually too good an idea, and the area is quite renowned to the government. In fact, the BBC Photo journal: Postcards from Russia website lists the town of Minry as ‘strictly off limits to outsiders without a special permit and the authorities regard any foreigners with considerable suspicion‘.

The Hawthorn complex was a 35 acre complex accessible by a private railway station, with a private line connecting to the main British rail network at Box Tunnel, with accommodation for nearly 4,000 people, industrial-sized kitchens, a bakery, a canteen, laundry, hospital and a pub. The entire facility was self-sufficient, with its own electricity generators, water purifiers, and air ducts.

The Cheyenne Mountain facility, home of NORAD, sits within a 4.5 acre grid of excavated chambers and tunnels, but behind the solid rock mountain walls.

However, with the size of this hole you could fit an entire Resident Evil Hive Complex under the surface. The hole at the top of the mine is 1.25km in diameter (which I work out to be an area of 3.85sq. km or 951.35 acres), with a depth of 525m (0.33 miles). The hole is deeper than the Sears Tower, or even the Taipei 100. You could definitely fit all your needs for an underground facility in there and then cap it off.

As far as disguising the facility, there is the Resident Evil approach of having a mansion put on top of it staffed by trained agents and filled with booby-traps, or if you prefer the Cobra approach, then go for an old-fashioned Wild West ranch as seen in the GI Joe episode “Where the Reptiles Roam”. Personally though, I’d be tempted to put a small shopping centre on top or a museum, attract a lot of innocents to the area.

Option 3 World Domination – Plan #5039 (Operation: Red Island)

A simple real estate deal going badly can lead to the creation of a wonderful inner city island project, leaving you safe from the local authorities, but a little screwed if you run out of toilet roll.

Home becomes an ‘island’ in building row

As far as planning disputes go, it is a far cry from letters of complaint to the council over an unsightly conservatory.

After a row with developers, this family’s home has been left perched 12m (40ft) up on its own concrete island.

It all started when they refused to accept compensation to move and, while the row rumbled on, the bulldozers excavated the site around them.

Rumoured to have government connections, the family is not expected to be forced out.But popping to the shops might be a bit difficult.

And as for getting the car out of the garage – well, who knows?

The house is in Chongqing, central China – the fastest growing urban centre in the world, with more than 4million residents.The boom is fuelled by strong economic growth and the 2008 Beijing Olympics. But behind the scenes is a debate, that has been raging for ten years, over the need for a law giving legal protection to private property in a Communist state.(Source: Metro online, 11 March 2007)