At Least It’ll Be A Dry Heat…
As if it weren’t bad enough that on any given day I likely commit at least 5 out of 7 of the original Deadly Sins – some multiple times a day. It seems now that should I implement most of my policies and plans, I’ll be breaking even more.
The Roman Catholic church updated its list of mortal sins yesterday to include 21st century issues such as pollution and genetic experimentation.
The new list was announced after a week-long confession refresher course for priests. Traditionally, mortal sins are those which break the Ten Commandments and include murder and adultery.
According to the Catholic faith, they must be confessed to a priest and if not absolved or forgiven, will lead to a person’s soul being condemned to hell.
But now genetic experimentation, tampering with the order of nature, pollution, social injustice, causing poverty, excessive wealth and drug abuse have been added.
Bishop Gianfranco Girotti is in charge of the Apostolic Penitentiary, the Vatican department which runs the confession refresher course.
He said: ‘Today there are various new sins which concern the rights of the individual and society and above all these are in the field of bioethics.
‘Within this, there are several fundamental violations of nature taking place – experiments, genetic manipulation, which are very difficult to control.
‘Socially there is the field of drugs which weaken both intelligence and physically, leaving many youngsters outside the church circuit.
‘Then elsewhere socially, we have inequality of wealth with the poor getting poorer and the rich getting richer, this in turns feeds an ever growing social injustice,’ he added.
(Source: Metro, 09 March 2008)
If I arrange an invasion of a Calais superstore with armed guards, they won’t be able to carry anything out because plastic bags are bad for the environment, and they have to walk to and fro because of air pollution – looks like I’ll be bringing back blimps and sailing.
It’s even gotten to the point where a guy can’t even work on combining Scorpions and Squirrels in to a single entity without the Church breathing down your neck.
The thing about the original seven deadlies was that they were created by a 6th century Pope, Gregory the Great, who at least had memorable marketting on his side. Seven Deadly Sins has a much better ring than 14 Deadly Sins or 7 Deadly and 7 A Little Less Naughty Sins. Ok, so they are calling them Social Sins, but really, how many of us are actually actively committing these sins.
The sins themselves were much better in a simplified version: Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, Sloth. Now, compare against: Bioethical violations (which they’ve so helpfully included birth control), ‘Morally dubious’ experiments (including stem cell research), Drug abuse (and supply), Polluting the environment, Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor, Excessive wealth, Creating poverty.
Does ‘Morally Dubious’ experiments or Bioethical violations include using pesticide on plants or growing GM crops, I wonder. Is the next stage of marketting for organic fruit and veg going to be “Eat Organic…or Rot In Hell!”? Isn’t drug abuse a form of Gluttony too?
Dante gave each of the 7 deadlies a fitting punishment:
- Pride Broken on the wheel
- Envy Put in freezing water
- Gluttony Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
- Lust Smothered in fire and brimstone
- Anger Dismembered alive
- Greed Put in cauldrons of boiling oil
- SlothThrown in snake pits
So, how is the Horned One meant to punish these new sinners?
- Bioethical violations Spend existence inside a giant used condom
- ‘Morally dubious’ experiments Anal probes by a demon with a nervous twitch
- Drug abuse Marathon of Cheech and Chong
- Polluting the environment Litter picking along the shores of the River Styx
- Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor A weekend in Yorkshire
- Excessive wealth Having a golden rod slowly inserted
- Creating poverty A marathon of Bob Geldof speeches
You want 7 Social Sins that modernise the original 7: Pissing or vomitting in someones doorway or garden because you got yourself wasted at a nightclub, Cold Calling for sales or market research, caravanning, using AOLspeak/Text message speak outside of a text message when you have no credit left, wearing fake burberry, acting gangsta, breeding irresponsibly.
Socially, there is a field of drugs which weaken both intelligence and physically, leaving many youngsters outside the church circuit, of course, some could argue that religious fundamentalists in the media who don’t do drugs can often exhibit similar intelligence and can often suffer from tremendous weight problems. Also, I’m not quite sure it’s drugs keeping kids out of church, maybe they just view it as out of touch?
Then elsewhere socially, we have inequality of wealth with the poor getting poorer and the rich getting richer, this in turns feeds an ever growing social injustice, I’m pretty sure that if they sold off some of the artwork and buildings, lived a pious life, they could probably help this along a bit.
Here’s an idea for lowering poverty and not contributing to widening the rich-poor divide, allow family planning so that people can have the children they want and still knock boots in a healthy, loving manner.
From The Times (10 March 2008):
He said that two mortal sins which continued to preoccupy the Vatican were abortion, which offended “the dignity and rights of women”, and paedophilia, which had even infected the clergy itself and so had exposed the “human and institutional fragility of the Church”.
The mass media had “blown up” the issue “to discredit the Church”, but the Church itself was taking steps to deal with it.
Here’s an idea, deal with having your people not fucking children and being sexist bigots first and then dictate to us what else we’re doing wrong. Heck, I might actually respect you more if you took the stance “It isn’t lust if they haven’t graduated High School”.
I just read an article like that…. Man, I’m so going to hell faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night. Yes, I lifted that from Venture Bros. And I’m damn proud of it.
Aw, well…I’ll be in good company then. I’ll see you by the loli/shota convention, it’s being held on the second circle. I’ll be the one looking to see if anyone is commisioning on brimstone payment.
XD, I figure that the loli-shota thing would shoot me straight down. Ah, Dante, I would go w/ you and Virgil to hell and back. Not heaven though. Hear its kinda boring.
I think we may both be a tad screwed there, sweetie. XD
Though, for the sake of comparison:
- Heaven. Half naked, chaste angels and overweight cherubs, plucking at harps and looking down womens tops from above. Signs everywhere saying “No Ball Games”, “No Petting”, etc. Elevator music are baroque classics, hymns and Cliff Richard.
- Hell. Half naked, horny incubi and succubi, every vice at hand and upskirt peeks every day. Elevator music is a sampling of anything in the Top 40 since about the 1930s.
Tough choice there. Anyone up for trying to waterski off the back of Charon’s boat?
I’m planning on carpooling down the highway to hell. Road Trip! On the other hand, I’d be the straightest, most pure Catholic if Freddie Mercury was St. Peter.
But in hell all CDs on the road trip would play a neverending chorus of “Are We There Yet?”.
If Freddie Mercury was St Peter, being the straightest wouldn’t really be much of an issue anymore for anyone. You’d find Mother Theresa and Versace doing crochet together.
XD Crochet! That sounds so dirty from you.
Well at least I know I’ll be in good company. I’ll make sure I save you both a spot when I get down there! I’ve never been waterskiing but I’d give it a shot.
Dio, wow…I’ve developed the latent ability to make even the most mundane words pervese. How about “sticky toffee pudding”?
Dan, we’ll hit the bars and buy all of the worst named drinks we can, then try to score us some of those Cenobite girls!
I gotta agree with Dio, just the image of Mother Theresa and Versace together doing crochet or anything for that matter just sounds dirty. Doing crochet while eating sticky toffee pudding? Oh my!!
I always thought Dante was a bit of a prat throughout his journey. He saw people he recognized along the way and he was so fucking judgmental. I wasn’t all that impressed when he got to Heaven. Didn’t exactly sound like a big party or anything.
FM, I hope that Dio wasn’t referring to the uber-eye candy of Dante from Devil May Cry. If she was, wow, you better start running now! XD
XD, no, I know FM meant the literary one. I should have spelled Virgil the other way (Vergil) to clarify. ^^; Actually, not many people are impressed with heaven in many stories. Prolly cuz they don’t have a Wii up there. Though I am sure they have Nintendo Wi-fi, so DSs aren’t out of the question.
If Heaven doesn’t have Reese’s Cups and Dr. Pepper, I’m going to be disappointed. Thats my idea of Heaven. Oh, and Christina Ricci and Natalie Portman are somehow involved as well.
Yeah, I actually read those books recently. Seemed like the kind of thing you’re supposed to read, so I picked it up. Tough to get through. Not a lot of action in the old Divine Comedy (besides all the descriptions of suffering – always a nice way to spend your time). Give me Beowulf any day!!!
The missus got me Tale of Two Cities for Valentines. I’m a few pages in. Looking forward to it. Nothng like a little mob violence to start your day off right. I’m a sucker for the classics.
There’s this Albert Brooks movie where he goes to Heaven and it’s just like down here. You have to wait in line for everything like the Post Office, have to work, get a small apartment, etc. It’s probably like that. I’m sure we’ve ruined it by now. Pearly gates torn down to make room for a strip mall or a skate park. Old people playing shuffleboard and eating in nice restaurants. Course someone has to work in the strip mall and the restaurant. Stupid Heaven. Hope the hours are good. Wonder what Heaven’s minimum wage is? Eh, it’s probably Communist. Ya work to get to keep your house and stuff. Wait in line for toilet paper.
Remind me not to die, would ya??
DJ D, sorry…Ricci will be partying downstairs, she’s a Voice of Planned Parenthood and is going to be in ads for emergency contraception apparently, so that’s a new Social Sin.
Both are also a cause of Lust, so should become succubi.
XD, DJ D. You make me laugh.
Personally, Italian is just beautiful to my ear, so hearing the Innferno in a language I don’t understand is quite pleasant. Its why I assume people watch anime raw.
My heaven has games. That’s all I’ll need. Wi-Fi, Mario Kart DS, and 8 other people to play. YES. Or NiGHTS on a hi-def tv. My God, its like sex for my eyes.
I watch anime raw because I know that otherwise huge chunks will be missing. Dagnabbit.
Mm, eyes and sex, same sentence. Less-than-three.
Well, you don’t have a choice. ^^;;; Unless you frequent youtube or bitorrent.
Torrents are naughty, I neeeeeeever use torrents. No way. ^^;;;
Sentai (with an S, people) can be gotten the same way with pretty damn good fansubs.
I used to rent my sentais and anime. On VHS. OLD SKOOL.
Sentai with an S?
Ok this is gonna make me sound really bad but what are some of the torrent sites you don’t use? I’ve heard of them but have never been to the sites or tried them, but if I were what would be the best one to check out first? Hypothetcially speaking.
I’d never dream of using isohunt.com, torrentreactor.net or tvnihon.com (fansubs)
I personally would never consider using Completorrent because it searches all of the above sites and more simultaneously and that’s so easy it’s almost cheating. Here’s the link you should never click on:
http://www.completorrent.com/
I mean never.
Thanks I’ll be sure to stay as far away from that site as humanly possible!
I watch stuff on crunchyroll.com. Its where I got to see most of the Animal Crossing movie. My Sassy Girl is on there too. I assume a lot of movies are on it.