Cyclone Defender: Episode 05 - “Yukuefumei Genshiryoku Oodutsu? Teikoku no Kenchikuyourobotto Hanran!”
Essential Cybernetic Science Department, DugalCorp Headquarters
FC-D23: It just looks a little ‘pedestrian’ to me, where are the high action and heavy artillery features. It’s got nothing remotely threatening.
FS1-D23-U1: Unless you count kung fu grip and spinning blade action.
FC-D23: It’s meant to be a giant robot that will crush spirits and structures, not Action Man.
FS1-D23-U1: Action Man had better accessories anyway.
FS1-D23-U3: So did Barbie.
FC-D23: All I know is that a rotating extractor unit is going to be covered in biological waste material if there isn’t a highly imposing weapon for this thing.
FS1-D23-U5: Maybe we can use this…
FC-D23: Unit 5, what the hell is that meant to be?
FS1-D23-U5: Dual chamber blaster, they mistook inches for feet on the schematics over in High-Yield Weapon Reasearch and wanted to get rid of it before the Ethical Evaluation folks tried to count it in our WMD asset pool.
FS1-D23-U3: What do the dual chambers do? What do they contain?
FS1-D23-U5: No idea, but they fill those two colourful tubes with liquid and it merges together before firing, we were kind of rushed so I didn’t look in the manual.
FS1-D23-U1: Where’s the trigger?
FS1-D23-U5: Eh, you know those guys, they build all those weapons and never build a trigger themselves. Someone might get hurt.
FS1-D23-U1: By a weapon? How inconcievable!
FS1-D23-U3: Well, I could set up a trigger instead the handle so that by mecha command the pilot could fire the weapon without squeezing a trigger.
FC-D23: No.
FS1-D23-U3: Control?
FC-D23: Do you realise how ridiculous that is? You spend ages building a giant war robot that can withstand impact, has fully shielded body parts, has targetting sensors built in to it and then…you build a gun that it has to hold and can risk dropping? A gun thats use would stop the ability to use it’s other assets…
FS1-D23-U5: Other assets?
FS1-D23-U1: Kung fu grip.
FC-D23: Just no, it’s idiotic…
Three hours later…
FC-D23: …give a damn about Gundams. It’s this whole humanoid approach. Look at BattleTech, they didn’t mind being rugged looking and integrated weaponry sensibly.
FS1-D23-U5: Well what about Transformers, huh, Optimus had that huge gun.
FC-D23: And got it booted away enough times, whereas Megatron and Galvatron had them mounted. Even Laserbeak and Ravage had the weapons seperated!
FS1-D23-U5: Sentai! The Megazords had the swords and stuff to finish off with!
FC-D23: Megazord would drop the sword! Dragonzord had fingertip missiles and spinning tail drill, and Mega-Dragonzord with missile launchers.
FS1-D23-U5: Ha, but later Megazords got all kinds of neat, interchangeable weapons to kick enemy butt…
Three more hours later…
FS1-D23-U2: It’s not so much heavy, as it is awkward to carry. We really need special training for this.
FS1-D23-U8: You know that no-on ever bothers listening to you, right?
FS1-D23-U2: Sure.
FS1-D23-U8: Then why do you keep going on?
FS1-D23-U2: I want to get sacked, paid off and then I can chase my dreams.
FS1-D23-U8: What dreams?
FS1-D23-U2: I want to be an gigolo for gynoids…
FS1-D23-U8: Niiiice.
FC-D23: …all you have to do is look at Iron Kong, he’s got huge fists and..
FS1-D23-U2: Control?
FC-D23: Not now…then the mount shoulder cannons and back-mounted missiles. Weapons in places that would be unused and wasteful otherwise, you don’t see…
FS1-D23-U2: Yeah, but we’ve got the control chamber constructed.
FC-D23: Fine, fine…them equipping him with ground-thumping hands that he then has to use to manually grip a weapon. He’s even build to absorb recoil. He isn’t the only one…
FS1-D23-U8: They’ll be like this all day now.
FS1-D23-U2: Screw it, lets just slot it in and get some downtime already.
FC-D23: …julas Giga with its claws, tail and teeth, and then it put the huge cannon on its back! Seriously, bolts for brains what were you thinking, that this was some genius plan? And another thing…
One Hour And Forty-Three Minutes Later…
FC-D23: …because quite frankly, I don’t give a damn about the aesthetic ideals when they compromise the actual capabilities…
FS1-D23-U2: Boss, we’re done.
FC-D23: Yes, yes…of a battle system. It is about combat and survival, not Miss Teen Battlebot in some beauty pagant in…
FS1-D23-U2: As in ‘done, done’.
FC-D23: Uh-huh…some geek-filled garage, where the judges are a acne-riddled Star Trek fanboy, a greasy-haired Star Wars “Leia” cosplaying fanboy and a guy who beats one off to the SatNav…
FS1-D23-U2: Boss, it’s…ready. to. use.
FC-D23: …voiceover! Wait, what?
FS1-D23-U1: Now that is just spiffy…
FS1-D23-U3: Spiffy-keen.
FS1-D23-HUD: …with whipped cream, chopped almonds, caramel and a cherry!
FS1-D23-U5: …mommy…?
FS1-D23-U3: So, Control, what do you reckon?
FC-D23: …
FS1-D23-U3: Control?
FS1-D23-U3: Bossman?
FC-D23: It is a thing of inadequately destructive beauty…and it is ours, all ours!
FS1-D23-U3: Ours?
FC-D23: Technically, all mine, but I may let you keep it serviced, Unit 3.
FS1-D23-U3: Ohhhkay.
FC-D23: …and Unit 1, you shall be allowed to maintain communications from base to me while I sue it to it’s full capabilities.
FS1-D23-U1: Gee, thanks.
FC1-D23: I will not forget the rest of this team though, I have jobs specifically picked for you all.
FS1-D23-HUD: Yay!
FS1-D23-U2, FS1-D23-U5: Crap.
FS1-D23-U8: …I call shotgun!
FC-D23: Shotgun indeed! Cannon fodder to be exact!
FS1-D23-HUD: Won’t the boss be a bit annoyed though?
FC-D23: Boss?! I shall rule and he won’t even see it coming!
<beep beep beep>
FC-D23: Unless he’s still watching the camfeed. Balls.
Guise (B): Report.
FC-D23: Oh, hello sir…
Guise (B): Re…port.
FC-D23: Ah, yes…um…this was a barely adequate achievement. I’m drafting a memo on it: mediocre accomplishment. I’m just finding it troubling to detail my lack of interest…
Guise (B): Really? I do hope you weren’t planning something nasty, because…
FC-D23: because what, sir?
Guise (B): …because it would be a shame to detonate the compact semtex mines implanted beneath your neural cortex, ‘bot.
FC-D23: Semtex…mines…
Guise (B): Well, you never know when you might need to…data cleanse on the ethnic scale.
FC-D23: I see, sir.
Guise (B): How very intelligent of you. Now, I’m sending my own test pilot to you. He’ll take over from your team to give me an analysis of your work and the mechas performance, and a breakdown of weapon capabilities…
FC-D23: Weapons? Sir, about the weapons…really, we can run the tests…
Guise (B): My pilot has clear instructions, he is capable.
FC-D23: Yes, but it’s a source of personal pri…
Guise (B): Semtex.
FC-D23: Yes sir, we’ll await his arrival.
Guise (B): Good, just remember this is for the greater good! We do what we must…
FC-D23: …because we’re mined.
FS1-D23-HUD: Hey, boss, hey! What did he say? Did he talk about me?
FC-D23: I’m so in the shit. Maybe we can gather everybody and cobble some weapons before that test pilot…
Shuuhaijin Yuki: Hai!
FC-D23: Son of a…
FC-D23: This is supposed to be a highly secured area, how do you keep getting in here?
Shuuhaijin Yuki: A true courier is master of himself and his environment.
FC-D23: I hate you. I hate you so much…