The Ramblings of Guise Dugal

Today is the day before Valentines Day and all around the world there are some single people desperately wanting a partner to share in the tradition of only declaring their love, and comparing financial value of that love, on a single annual basis.

A lot of sources on the web and in books will tell you the best places to find a potential partner, however, I think that there is a lack of places that actually start by advising where to avoid trying to find a partner. I shall fill this void.

Now, I appreciate the question going through your mind is “But Guise, why you? Aren’t you actually a failure at relationships? Aren’t you the person who writes stalker poetry? Aren’t you the one who…” 

Well, quit asking questions and I’ll explain. You see, I happen to consider myself an authority on finding romance quickly, as I am someone who after having relationships break up have seen those ex-girlfriends find love elsewhere within hours, days or weeks after parting from me. Heck, in some cases those ex-partners have had people on stand-by for dating or were already dating. Having observed these successes, I can see where they haven’t been getting partners from.

I am therefore just as much an expert as anyone else on the internet. So, this is my Top 7 Places Not To Try To Find A Date For Valentines Day.

School

Unless you are actually attending the said school, and in a role other than teacher, it is often a mistake to try to find yourself a date at the local Elementary/Primary or High/Secondary school.

There are some people who disagree, but if you have to act as accompanying adult for the cinema date or order off the children’s menu at the candlelight dinner, then it’s highly likely that the relationship isn’t going to last.

Bronze Rule:If the ‘exotic lingerie’ is cartoon character underoos, re-examine relationship.

Of course, this restriction doesn’t apply if the date is over school age and just likes schoolgirl outfits. If that’s the case, all bets are off.

Funerals

Funerals may seem like the perfect place to meet a new partner, what with the contractual ’til death us do part’ voided, however one should note that once the person has been put in to the box, it is generally frowned upon for you to begin chatting them up and making out.

This also extends to after the service, as it can be quite off-putting for any groundskeeper if they have to mow the lawns while you are dry humping the freshly laid soil. 

Morgues, wakes, funerals and cemeteries should be considered a problem area for the lovestruck, even the nec-romantics.

Bronze Rule: If the pulse ain’t racing, quit the tail chasing.

The surviving member is still viable, but remember that trying to make out while they’re grieving can make the kisses phlegm-filled and salty.

Old Peoples Home

Now, this one is a tough call because I know there are a lot of people who like the more ‘mature’ partner, people who like to bag the sag and enjoy gummy partners.

There are drawbacks to romancing the elderly though, that I don’t think people get in to their head when coming up with their fantasies, things like having to make sure every-time you have a drink that dentures aren’t clinking at the bottom, that running a hand up a leg doesn’t have varicose veins giving a road-map of the Greater London area, and that hip replacements can be quite fragile.

Bronze Rule: If you get lost on a date and can find your way home by getting your date to lift their skirt or trouser leg, re-examine the relationship.

Of course, if they have lots of money and poor health, romance probably wasn’t the number one goal.

Petting Zoo

With so much choice, this might seem a tempting opportunity to find a new best friend, but be advised that the people who run these places really don’t like it if you mistake petting and heavy petting.

Originally I was going to suggest the Bronze Rule as if it can’t say your name, then stop trying to get it to call you daddy, however, I would like this rule to extend to budgies, parrots and all other speech-capable creatures.

Toy Stores

Toy stores are full of magic and wonder, brimming with innocence and that state of bliss that comes when you can feel free with yourself and your surroundings. Everything has a way to make you seem just that little bit quirky and, to the right type, desirable in your playfulness.

At least wait until you’ve got the stuffed koala home before needing to wash it and re-sew the seams.

Bronze Rule: If it’s already been stuffed, re-examine wanting to get with it in the buff.

Yes, I’m well aware there are sites and shops for plushie lovers and anatomically-correct plushies.

Car Crashes

Now despite what you might think from the movie Crash (the 1996 film, not the 2004 one), the actual practicalities of forging a relationship or even a one-night stand from a car crash is very limiting.

For one thing, unless you cause the accident – which will keep increasing your insurance premium – then you are at the mercy of fate in how often a potential partner will stumble in to your romantic reaches.

If you are seeking love on the motorway then you have a higher chance of an accident occuring, but less time before the authorities turn up and as you can’t park to wait, you will cause increased fuel consumption from driving in loops.

If you are seeking love in the country roads, you may have longer to spend with a partner, but there is less traffic to find that partner. 

Of course, if you work for an automobile recovery service you might have some potential, but chances are your most romantic encounter will result in unsatisfying vapour lock.

Bronze Rule: The lay-by is just the same as the hard shoulder.

Bridgwater

Really this applies to family reunions anywhere. It appears that in a lot of highly civilized countries, and parts of America, there are places where people recognise the beauty and personalities of their siblings, parents and increasingly distant relatives. In some of those places they also like to fuck them like rabid sex-crazed mongooses on acid.

Now, it’s quite likely that you might find the person attractive, have deep familiarity or shared interests, but really you could both do better.

Bronze Rule: If your family reunions or relatives birthday party results in either a swingers orgy or speed dating, re-examine and make sure you got at least a cousin once-removed.