Missing, Presumed Cheesed Off
It seems all that tends to get written about here at the moment is “Where has Guise been and what’s stopped him from updating”, wherein he fobs you off explains a rather poor reason why nobody sees him about for ages until he posts another apology.
This failure to act responsibly is shameful, how anyone could expect people to keep visiting is beyond wonder, however once again he went off and disappeared again for a brief time.
I suppose this time he has a fairly decent excuse though. It started not to long ago with an inoculous sighting of a bipedal bull in the centre of his home town. You see, this was no ordinary bipedal bull, for from a hole in the bovines neck stuck out the face of a man and this man was offering the humans who walked by a cube of cheese from an oversized bowl. Guise watched with interest as people tasted the cheese, often returning for more and conversing with the human face of the bipedal bull – the bovine face remained quiet, obviously it didn’t approve of speaking to humans.
Guise ended up tasting the cheese and with interest to it’s rather addictive taste, asked the human face if he had made it himself. The momentary pause as the face looked at him strangely allowed Guise to rule out that it was a man swallowed by the bovine in some savage feeding frenzy who was attempting to crawl out through the jugular. When the face replied, it was an answer enough to put up the mental barrier needed to overcome the hypnosis and addictiveness of the braincontrol cheese cubes. The reply: maybe.
It was then that Guise realised what was going on, remembering a legend he had not been told as a child.
In the dark void of space a figure lurks, bent on consuming the universe as if it were his pasture, not through malice – for his eyes show nought but the maddening dead gaze shared by those who evolve from the tainted primordial slime he drools in his wake – but through a nature of rudimentary ruminancy.
A being of immense size, that he is considered on many worlds beyond our own to be the physical aspect of one of the Great Old Ones, and the insanity that meeting his gaze can bring is much in keeping with this belief.
Travelling from world to world, the beast consumes organic life. It’s habit of chewing all life, spitting it out and then consuming again, leaves traces of organic life to restart biological processes or hints at what life may have existed before he came to devour their world. It is said that life on some planets only came about because of the introduction of alien species during his ‘cudding’.
But what of the worlds it destroys, does it leave no evidence beside a dead planet? Of course not, and the proof remains in front of us daily – or rather nightly – of the passage of this being. Proof that is always commented on, always discussed for what it is, but never truly explained. We witness it’s rise and fall, the great ball of cheese that orbits around us, curled from his great post feast lactations – for, of course, this is a being who breaks gender boundaries by might of will. The moon is made of cheese, in fact his passage did not just involve the system of Sol, did you not wonder why it is called the Milky Way?
As well as seeding the universe with its spores, creating a master race of lactating legionairres, the entity is well known to hybridise species it meets, merging the basics of its DNA with a host, until the host transforms in to a mutant variant. These variants become its Heralds, searching out for worlds to consume and attempting to weaken the resolve of the local population through whatever manner it can.
Indeed, Guise had encountered a Herald of Galactose!
But no sooner had his discovery been made than his first hope of reaching a solution came crashing down – his highly sophisticated computer system suffering an onslaught of a virus. The virus originated from a Herald known only as “the Dragon’s Breath” in a far off land, knocking out other friendly computer systems on the way. Obviously a global catastrophe of cripple computers and mind controlling cheese would preoccupy humans enough that they no longer paid attention to the approach of The Grazing God, Galactose.
And so, Guise has been in training, rallying forces to defeat the planet devourer and stopping the Heralds and bovine battalions from taking control.