The Ramblings of Guise Dugal

NaBloPoMo: Day Four (Delayed to 09/07/09 – Happy Birthday, Amy)
Alternative title ideas:
1) The Great Taste of America? Yeah, Her Name Was…wait, what?
2) Since When Has “Great Taste” Ever Been Associated… (see here for further information)

Remember, remember the 4th of July…hm…not quite the same ring to it. A lot of countries have days of national celebration where they blow shit up in relation to overcoming a political threat to their way of life.

July 4th, every year, Americans celebrate Independence Day commemorating the adoption of the wording of the Declaration of Indepence by the leaders of a very organised terrorist group, who with a bunch of what would probably later be branded as ‘freedom fighters’ seized in a very bloody coup control of a nation from what, no doubt, would also be branded later as a ‘tyrannical rulership’ and ‘unpopular government regime’.

July 14th, French citizenry celebrate Fete de la Federation commemorating a day when a violent angry mob viciously enacted a prison break to release four forgers (who all went ‘underground’ immediately, leaving the others to be a sideshow attraction for the ‘freedom fighters’), two lunatics (one who ended up back in an asylum within the week) and a deviant (requested to be placed under care of the Bastille by his family for his behaviour). They did this against the ‘tyrannical rule’ of the King of France.

November 5th, British public remember the day that a Spaniard failed to blow up a member of the royal family, who was ‘oppressing’ members of the country, by exploding gunpowder on their own property.

In this it proves two things:
1) The English actually relish disappointment enough to actual celebrate failure. (Yes, I’m well aware we are in fact celebrating ‘success’, but we call it Guy Fawkes night, not King James I night)
2) The Americans and the French are quite interchangeable really.

So, with that said what better way to celebrate July 4th than with French fries? Well, granted there are actually many better ways seeing as French fries are a Belgian invention, but it seemed like the best way to segue into an article about McDonalds and I like segues.

I recently mentioned in passing about McDonalds Taste of America gimmick, which is actually a rehashing of a gimmick from past years, where they take an American city or state and create a burger that they can hock off as giving a feel for the area. Now, it’s pretty much established that there are certain things you can do to make a burger seem more like a city or state, things that one can easily tie to the place or that invokes images – albeit stereotypical – of the area. For one thing, they could easily have evoked the image of the USA in all their patrons by just making serving sizes bigger (in actual fact, they kind of did, but we’ll get to that in due course).

What they did was to have a four week long campaign with a different burger each week (and onion rings and Oreo McFlurries throughout – though the milkshake shops opposite do Oreo Milkshakes year through).
* The New York Special (10-16 June) was “100% beef patty, streaky bacon, two slices of smoked cheese, crisp lettuce, onions and onion mayo all in a chilli, chive and sesame bun.”
* The Chicago Supreme (17-23 June) was 100% beef patty, streaky bacon, two slices of cheese, crisp lettuce, onions, cool mayo and spicy salsa all in a cheese topped bun.
* The Arizona Deluxe (24-30 June) is “100% beef patty, streaky bacon, two slices of cheese with peppers, crisp lettuce, onions and black pepper mayo all in a cheese topped bun”
* The Miami Melt ( 01 – 07 July) is “100% beef patty, streaky bacon, two slices of cheese, crisp lettuce, onion and cheese sauce all in a chilli, chive and sesame bun”

None of these really scream familiarity of the area to me. For example, if you were to go up to a friend, loved one, random stranger or parole officer and say to them “What would you expect in a Miami Melt burger?” or “What area of the US would be best name for a burger containing 100% beef patty, streaky bacon, two slices of cheese with peppers, crisp lettuce, onions and black pepper mayo all in a cheese topped bun?” then you’d more likely expect the respective answers of “Dolphin” and “New Jersey”. Instead they’ve established just one thing, you can tell where you are in America based solely on tasting their local mayo…because obviously mayo makes America.

They could have done the Maine Event, with clam chowder mayo; the Wisconsin Winner, cheese flavoured mayo with extra cheese; the Ohio OK-burger, with a very bland, almost tasteless mayo that looks a little grey; the Indiana Infestation, free syphilis every time you taste a Happy Meal; or the Florida Flava, it’s the same as most other places, the meat is just older than average.

Now, I could just leave the complaining there, but then we’d miss out on the fun that is me ruining diets for the sake of your entertainment. I actually did this because Amy expressed an interest in the burgers I was willing to ignore, but with an audience there’s plenty of things I’m willing to do that I wouldn’t normally. I’m lucky they don’t press charges most of the time.

I ended up going to McD’s twice to grab the last two types of burgers, obviously having missed out on the New York (which should have been a ‘skyscraper’ stacked burger at least) and the Chicago. I’m not really going to go in to detail here, because to be honest we’re talking about a difference in mayo and that’s it. I expected by the name Miami Melt for it to be a cool, refreshing taste, but it was a burger with cheese and a spicy top. I expected the Arizona to be slightly hot and dry, it was a bit spicy inside and a cheese top. They should have put the cheese sauce with the cheese top, nuff said.

Burker King does Rodeo Burgers, onion rings and BBQ sauce, that’s Texas, that’s doing it right, people.

The only thing of note is the size of the burgers. These are bigger than the quarter pounder burgers, but the actual patty is squished flatter, and there’s a hell of a lot more vegetation thrown atop the meat, which doesn’t help the flavour after a while, instead it neutralises whatever they were aiming for.

The Arizona Deluxe

The Miami Melt

tl;dr: I consume fast food hoping to entertain others and impress girls, in spite of bloating.