The Ramblings of Guise Dugal

In the world of Nintendo some years ago, there was a giant frog named Wart who tried many nefarious schemes. Obviously he is rather forgettable to a fashion, featuring only really in Super Mario Bros 2, Doki Doki Panic, tenuously in Links Awakening and in some tie-in comics and stories for the Mario series. In Super Mario Bros 2, you can lead to his downfall thanks to a mushroom (named Toad), a mushroom princess (Toadstool) and two Italian-Americans.

In the real world, or at least this one, fungi is currently wiping out frog species across the world. Batrachochytrium dendrobatidis is apparently the leading suspect in an amphibian genicide plot, but this post doesn’t link to any Italian-Americans, but more to the Scottish.

You see, the Scottish are not just trying to preserve certain species of frog, but may actually be planning some much more sinister.

Fife aquarium breeds deadly frogs

A frog so poisonous that it can kill up to 200 people has been successfully bred at a Fife aquarium.

The golden arrow poison dart frog secretes toxin from its skin, which is used by south American tribesmen to poison their blow-gun darts.

The amphibian is under threat in the wild due to loss of habitat and pollution in its native region of Chaco in West Colombia.

Deep Sea World in North Queensferry has now bred nine of the frogs.

The centre’s breeding programme will play an important role in protecting the species by reducing the number of frogs being taken from the wild for captivity.

Scientists believe the frogs produce their chemical arsenal by metabolising toxins contained in their prey – mostly insects, ants and other invertebrates.

Michael Morris, Deep Sea World aquarist, said: “These beautiful frogs are under increasing threat in the wild due to loss of habitat and pollution and we are delighted to have been able to breed them successfully here in Scotland.

“It’s imperative we are able to mimic exactly their wild environment in order for the species to thrive in captivity and it’s a real achievement they are breeding so successfully.

“They’ve passed the critical stage of development from tadpoles into froglets and they now look like perfect miniature replicas of their parents.”

There are about 70 different species of poison dart frogs found throughout the rainforests of central and south America.

Loss of habitat threatens their long-term survival chances and captive breeding programmes are being set up worldwide to try and safeguard their future.

Despite their deadly status, it is hoped that the golden arrow frog could one day help save lives.

Medical researchers are developing muscle relaxants, heart stimulants, and anaesthetics made from the frogs’ toxins which have the potential to become a far more effective and less addictive alternative to morphine.

(Source: Fife aquarium breeds deadly frogs, BBC News, 18 March 2009)

The guise of furthering medical advances has been used so much as a cover for destructive means, from Umbrella Corporation to VersaLife scandals. I’m sure you will agree that the only logical conclusion to this is that the Scottish are sneaky and breeding a bio-weapon – a bio-weapon for which they know how to eradicate afterwards.

When the world is looking to exterminate with laser beams other things that can kill us, why else would any country look to increase the number of another species that can have a more direct and imminent threat to life.

As the article points out, these creatures are ’so poisonous that [they] can kill up to 200 people’, which is much more effective than most suicide bombers and with training from the Scottish regiments and Glaswegian alcoholics it’ll have tremendous hand-to-hand and weapons training. It already has stealth skin for covert missions.

What’s more, once released the threat of these Kermit Kill Squads is total. Similar to Zombies in a bustling metropolis, the frogs will be in their element, with the whole island spread out before them in an ever damp, dank and dark field of battle.

I am now left to wonder whether a Scottish variant of InGen was involved in this debacle, and just like they used frog DNA to make dinosaurs, they also used frog DNA to make, well, frogs. If so, and with their tendency to always lose a few of their creations, then it might just explain the mutant discovered in the local area back in 2004.

Our only hope is to find a natural predator. We need a creature that will be able to hunt and consume every last creature before the destroy our population. We need…the French.

Oh man, we’re boned.