Vacation Planning: The Dugal Identity
“And when he’s off to sail the seven seas
He just stays indoors or hides up trees
He’s been to places that you’ve never seen
But his mind is blank and his passport’s clean”
~ Domino Man, The Beautiful South
“I’m not going to change my passport. It’s British, you don’t mess with
that. Blue passport. Gold writing. Stiff. With a crest on it. You don’t show it to
officials, you slap them aside with it. *Bouff* Out of my way, Johnny Foreigner.
You don’t need to look it it, it’s British that’s all you need to know. Mm, British,
best in the world. Yes. Reason for visiting: Imperialism, ok?”
~ Jack Dee
Travelling always brings with it paperwork and people stating loudly “Show us your papers!” in thick accents while clicking machine guns in your general direction. Paperwork is the global standard for putting people off travelling or filling up empty cells in local prisons.
The most vital paperwork is, of course, the passport. The little booklet that acts like an autograph book for countries rather than Z-list celebrities you meet walking out of a toilet in some restaurant you picked because the very fancy one was booked up. By looking at your passport and previous countries visited, local law enforcement agencies can easily help identify who they are going to accuse you of spying for.
I had to actually re-apply for my passport last year, as it was due to expire, and was sorely disappointed because everytime I travelled to continental Europe I’d had no stamps and just been waved through, and all my other trips before had been on group-based passports. But now I was starting on a clean slate.
It was like having a new identity. I got a crisp, hard and fresh passport through, and a new photo in the back. The photo itself impressed me no end, because the last photo I had taken was while I was in college about a decade ago. The photo was of me with an addition of over ten stone, or 140lbs, and no neck. The new photo, by contrast, was more defined, even if slightly sinister.
Because I am going to be travelling in to the US, and indeed this is now applicable if you are only stopping off at a US airport waiting for a connecting flight, I had to complete the Electronic System for Travel Authorization (ESTA) application, the new version of the green card.
The main difference as I see it is that the ESTA must be completed before departing – you may not be allowed to board without it being completed – as opposed to green cards being handed out while in transit, alongside complimentary peanuts and miniature pillow to smother the snoring git beside you.
Fortunately, since the system started in January this year, most travel firms are quite prepared and ready to let you know that it is a requirement for travel and are able to give you details of how to get your ESTA completed. A quick jump to the application website is all that is really required.
The ESTA application is simple and straightforward, built in a website that really harkens back to the early days of HTML and is only really not truly retro because there is an absence of animated gif files. There really is no expense spared on the site, because there seems to have been no expense at all.
A series of personal questions and details of your travel and accomodation are asked for, even if you are travelling on from an airport to continue on a multi-stop journey. All the usual questions are asked – name and nationality, birth date, passport number – as well as city you are boarding, airline and flight number, address while in country.
Then it gets on to the trickier, more difficult questions. These questions are the highly sophisticated method that the US law enforcement agencies use to make sure nobody naughty enters the country. They are subtle and it’s very easy to slip up, and quite often they’ll group things together so you may well end up being guilty of something because of how they combine. Even harder, it transpires, because you are only allowed to answer with Yes or No. There is no fine line or grey area, no area to justify or rationalise.
No kidding though, it actually says at the top:
- Do any of the following apply to you? (Answer Yes or No)
Please select if you need additional help on any of these questions.
I’m not sure exactly how you could have a problem with them, well actually maybe I can. But I’m sure if you had a problem trying to give the correct answer, it’s most likely going to mean that you’ve been on the naughty side.
- A) Do you have a communicable disease; physical or mental disorder; or are you a drug abuser or addict?
The first and already we’re dealing with a merger. The mental disorder does make me wonder, are they looking to ban all disorders? Will a person with a nervous tic be denied entry next to the guy who turns up carrying a butcher knife and wearing a pelt of faces? How likely is it that a psychopath will click yes?
Also, I’m not addicted to drugs, and I’m not a drug abuser. However, having said that, when I was little I used to have to ground up my aspirin, sometimes beating on it with a spoon. I swear though, I only did it out of love and because sometimes it needed to know what limits our relationship had.
- B) Have you ever been arrested or convicted for an offense or crime involving moral turpitude or a violation related to a controlled substance; or have been arrested or convicted for two or more offenses for which the aggregate sentence to confinement was five years or more; or have been a controlled substance trafficker; or are you seeking entry to engage in criminal or immoral activities?
Isn’t it nice to see turpitude used in the modern day, though I think in some cases it might need a little hover-over window to explain it.
It’s the last of the question that interests me, are you seeking entry to engage in…immoral activities? This causes me a problem, I’m not travelling with the intention of immoral activities, but you know, what happens if a guy just gets lucky? There’s a good club scene, a few drinking places, maybe some beautiful ladies who like deformed men with english accents sometimes morality gets forgotten momentarily. So, I guess the answer is No, unless I get very, very lucky.
- C) Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved , in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?
Well, I’ve watched all the Bond and Bourne movies, played Metal Gear Solid and used to side with Cobra when playing GI Joe (they had the better figures), but as far as espionage, sabotage and terrorism go that’s about my level of activity.
As far as I know none of my past incarnations were in the Nazi party, however, I could be mistaken and deep seated genetic memories may someday be untapped through hypnotic therapy. In fact it might have some explanation for my fondness for mad science, taking over Liechtenstein, political power and having unstylish facial hair.
- D) Are you seeking to work in the U.S.; or have you ever been excluded and deported; or been previously removed from the United States or procured or attempted to procure a visa or entry into the U.S. by fraud or misrepresentation?
I have no real desire to work in my own country, why anyone would think I’d want to work elsewhere is beyond me. Except Liechtenstein. As I conquer it.
- E) Have you ever detained, retained or withheld custody of a child from a U.S. citizen granted custody of the child?
From a US citizen? Nope, never.
- F) Have you ever been denied a U.S. visa or entry into the U.S. or had a U.S. visa canceled?
No, but I once had an American Express application denied.
- G) Have you ever asserted immunity from prosecution?
I tried to use it to get out of a detention while on a school trip to Germany, but it turns out that just because you are travelling doesn’t mean you have diplomatic immunity. Oh, and apparently teachers are immune to it anyway. As it happens, they mean asserting it correctly while possessing immunity. So, the answer is no.
The response to my application was instantaneous, granting me the rights to enter and wander about the US, though warning me that I could still be turned away at the airport by local customs and immigration officers. Still, it’s a result.
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