For those not from the UK, and indeed a vast proportion of the UK who are tabloid readers or didn’t pay attention in class (which given the numerous conversations I’ve had recently is a staggering number), I do feel the need to point out something that might come as a surprise: we are not voting for a Prime Minister.

This may come as a surprise to those who are used to an electoral system where you vote for central government directly, but it comes more of a surprise to people who expect on election day to see the leaders of the political party on their ballot sheet.

Some of you may recall that I posted a brief overview of Government in my entry Ministers in the UK – not just toffs and princlies (April 2008). Well, the General Election is used to vote for the Member of Parliament for your specific area (constituency), each MP is given a seat in the House of Commons and the division of seats is what determines who is the ruling party (or parties, in the event of a Hung Parliament where coalition is needed).

It’s actually rather shocking how many people I know who can’t name at least two candidates standing for MP in this constituency, or even who our current MP is. It isn’t that we don’t have an active MP, but that people just don’t find a reason to know. People seem to concern themselves with the National Picture, something for which we have very little effect upon.

If you consider that the largest constituency in the UK could vote unanimously on one candidate in full support of the party behind them, but the end result would be one seat, a set fraction of Parliament.

We’re also prompted to vote on local issues, because that is really all a local MP can affect, but then there’s very rarely a correlation between the party we’d trust to look after our local community and those we want running the national economy.

We also don’t get to vote on laws, and I put this in solely for those few who mentioned the Propositions that get tagged on to US elections. I rather like the idea of the public vote on legal issues, even if completely ignored by policy makers. I don’t believe the people should be the determining factor – I’ve seen some of the Prop’s that got passed stateside – but if it was a factor or could be used to garner support and awareness, I’m for it.

The Liberal Democrats have for some considerable time wanted to instigate electoral reform, including a form of proportional representation – which, as Wikipedia helpfully puts it, is aimed at securing a close match between the percentage of votes that groups of candidates obtain in elections, and the percentage of seats they receive.

Personally, I’d like to be able to hold two votes in an election, a local representation vote to elect my local MP and a proportional representation vote to elect the governing party.

As I said on Twitter recently, it feels like the election in the UK is going the way of hairstyles. You have a choice of parting your hair on the left or right (depending on which of the current two major parties you prefer), having a combover (voting the LibDem, using the fresh alive follicles to provide enough cover) or skinhead (scary thought, but there’s a likelihood we may see the BNP win seats this year). I kinda want ‘bed head’ by this point.

You see there are plenty of parties in the UK elections, many very well established and several hundred independents, all with their own policies and manifestos. here are some examples to help you:

• Labour – The current Government. Traditionally representing Working Classes until they actual got power and became New Labour and changed from socialists to socialites under Tony Blair. Compare to the way the senate gave power to a Chancellor from Naboo who then changed a Republic Senate into a Galactic Empire. Then Blair left and left Gordon Brown in charge.

• Conservatives – The current Opposition (this being basically the official runner-up). Traditionally representing the Middle Classes and London taxi drivers who wear thick gold chains around their neck. They seem to have softened since the Thatcher era, with a soft-spoken leader of the party who whenever you seem him feel a sense of reassurance that whatever policies he may put forward you could probably take him down easily in a barfight.
• Liberal Democrats – For eons the LibDems have existed as the comic relief for the electoral process, always coming in third place and providing a foil. Frequently managing to squirrel seats and hamper plots. Something, somewhere changed that though – personally I believe it was when they made Charles Kennedy party leader. Sadly they later sacked him for being far too interesting and likable, they weren’t ready for that big a step – and currently the LibDems actually look like they might gain quite a bit of influence. Some pundits are even saying that they could ‘win’ with a Hung Parliament. Compare this to TVTrope’s The Scrappy.
• Green – The environmentalist party, if they join a Hung Parliament I am hoping that in the first meeting of the House of Commons to hear the following:
  “EARTH!”
  “FIRE!”
  “WIND!”
  “WATER!”
  “HEART!”
  “Go Planet!”
  “By your powers combined, I am Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs!”

• Official Monster Raving Loony Party – Yes, it’s a proper party that has won local elections before and it has had ‘proper’ policies, such as: Refusing to sign up to the euro, but inviting the rest of Europe to join the british pound; Drivers can go straight over a roundabout when there’s no traffic coming “to make driving through Milton Keynes more fun”; Traffic cops “too stupid” for normal police work to be retrained as vicars; Withdrawal of MPs’ expenses allowance to “in future be distributed to the poor and needy so that they can waste it instead”; The introduction of a 99p coin to “save on change”.
• British National Party (BNP) – Oi, immig’ants owt. Comin’ over here doing our jobs…on time…for an agreed reasonable price…how dare you!
• UK Independence Party (UKIP) – Oi, us owt. A party dedicated to getting us out of Europe.

As you can see, with so many parties and the system so broken apart for representation in Parliament it is very hard to seize control in the UK through a democratic process – it is also not within the British mindset to hold a bloody political coup, in the mad days of Northern Rock’s banking collapse people furiously queued to withdraw their money and the only violent projectiles ever aimed at our MPs tend to have first exited a chickens behind.

I’m hoping it’s not impossible though, because I want to be elected to power. I have a manifesto with policies, I have a vision and I reckon I could free up a few hours a week to run the country as the tyrannical Primary Malevolent Benevolence.

So, look over the page for my policies and remember to vote!

I’ve had a few people tell me that I’m not alone in this desire, and I know that it’s a very common theme in tv and movies to feature just this type of thing, so I plan to pay a small homage to my personal top five flying/floating surveillance devices. This list is only my top four, and is in part based on my views on aesthetics – I like compact, shiny and efficient things.

Number 4
Random Marvel Flying Cameras (Marvel Comics)

What can I say, in comics and in cartoons Marvel sooner or later has someone hunt people down with flying cameras. In the ’90s cartoon series of Spiderman, Norman Osborn and Alistair Smythe hunt down Spidey with some robotic Spider-Slayers, leading the troops are small rocket-propelled cameras that follow Spidey as he swings through the city.

Reed Richards also had his own camera robots, which looked like mini-versions of HERBIE, and Dr Doom was reknowned for having robot everythings.

Number 3
Droids (Star Wars)

There are so many awesome droids to pick from in the Star Wars universe that I adore, and so many that I despise with a burning comparable only to the itchy kind you get after illicit night with a local in Indianapolis. But you can’t go far wrong with droids dedicated to surveillance and recording – unless you count the Hovercam from the racing scenes in Phantom Menace. You know, the one with lazy eye? Yeah.

But while Phantom Menace had a sucky hovercam mixed amongst a lot of other suckage, there is no denying the amount of win that surrounded Darth Maul, and the guy sure knew how to bring along the aces. Darth Maul’s Sith Probe Droids were small, sleek black floating balls. Silent and swift, these balls can track people unseen through busy residential areas. Just seeing Darth Maul sending the little fellas out on their mission showed that this was no amateur operation.

Also floating around during Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones was another efficient little camera droid, which looked like a cross between a bumblebee and an owl. The senate cam droid was pretty much the camera used by the domestic media, as opposed to military applications, and probably wouldn’t even be able to perform quality paparrazi work.

No mention of camera droids from Star Wars would be complete without a mention to those wonderful probe droids. Most notable is of course the mechanical jellyfish Viper probe droid from the Battle of Hoth (a droid I love so much because it used to scare me in that good Star Wars way) to the clam-shell look-a-like Prowler 1000 used by the Republic soldiers during the Clone Wars. Military spy-bots are sexah.



Number 2
Laserbeak (Transformers)

More than just a floating camera, Laserbeak was a full espionage and sabotage robot in the shape of a vulture. Even if his involvement was later cut down in favour of the much cooler designed Ratbat and he was nowhere as sleek and menacing as little kitty Ravage, Laserbeak was perhaps one of the most efficient spys in Soundwaves collective of intelligence operatives.

Laserbeak was most commonly noted for replaying audio tracks, because he was linked to a handler who transformed in to a tape player, but he did make use of a hidden video camera to record Autobot plans from time to time. Just why a robot with powerful optics required a secondary camera system to record footage and didn’t just store what it ‘saw’ is one of those “don’t ask” questions.

The other question is how Laserbeak managed to get all those camera angles, without being spotted right in front of the Autobot leadership. Either no-one thought about fixed camera positions and viewpoints or, more likely, the Autobots are just lame.

Of course, the Laserbeak from Transformers Energon took the flying camera idea a little bit further when it made the little golden bug-eyed budgie version of the classic Decepticon. They made him an Autobot that transforms between birdy, camcorder and laser gun mode.



Word has it that Laserbeak secretly films all the Transformer voyeur films that continuously fill ub the hard drive on Teletraan and was responsible for the now infamous leaked Blur Is Always Premature viral video.

Number 1
Cambot (Mystery Science Theatre 3000)

Let’s face it, Cambot had to come in here. Though I have to say that for the look, I only really like his final design of the floating eyeball – although his earlier designs did show that he was assembled from scap and so fitted a lot better.

Cambot acted as cameraman for the Satellite of Love crew, following their skits and then zooming down the access tunnel to film from the back of the theatre. Cambot never really expressed much personality beyond the Robot Roll Call where he kind of sounded like a cheesy photographer for a fashion magazine or ‘art pamphlet’, but he was a crucial part of the show.

Just to show I’m not alone in my love for these wonderful and inspiring stalkers, there are people who are trying to bring them to life. Granted they are mostly trying to create them to help blow other people up, but that’s life.

A Soldier’s Eye in the Sky

FORT BLISS, Tex. — The soldiers crouched beneath the blazing desert sun, waiting to burst into the villages in conditions similar to those they have encountered in Iraq and Afghanistan.

But this time, they got some high-tech help in an exercise intended to prove that new devices operated by the soldiers themselves can make those harrowing missions less dangerous in the future.

As the mock attack began on the sprawling military base here, tiny drones hovered overhead, peering through the windows to see insurgents gathered inside the houses. Small robots — like R2-D2 in “Star Wars” — crawled through some of the doors, flashing back live video of the startled enemy’s positions. Electronic sensors placed nearby watched escape routes. And a battery of six-foot-high missiles stood at the ready farther out in the desert to destroy vehicles that tried to rush in to help the insurgents.

“When I was in Iraq, we couldn’t see what we were busting into,” said Specialist Randall Thompson, who operates the robots. “But with this equipment, we can at least get a peek.”

….

The drones resemble flying lawnmower engines about the size of a beer keg that land on four curved wire feet. With the cameras on the drones acting like spotters, the ground-launched six-foot missiles, called “rockets in a box,” will eventually enable soldiers to destroy hostile forces more than 20 miles away without having to call in help from artillery units or other aircraft, Army officials say.

The robots could also search caves and cars at hazardous checkpoints. And the sensors could guard outposts and monitor areas cleared of insurgents, freeing more soldiers to fight.
[See full article here]
(Source: The New York Times, 11 August 2009)

Of course, we can’t forget the piece of tech that is not only high on my want list but no doubt being added to yours as soon as you hear about it: The Aeryon Scout. This is nearly everything I could hope for in a Cambot, though it lacks a ‘follow me’ feature and can only operate for twenty minutes, in that it is a quadrotor self-stabilising flying camera rig that can operate outside or indoors (even in confined spaces)

The HoloNet is not entirely out of grasp.

Prince Charles becomes first Royal Hologram

The Prince of Wales has made his first appearance as a hologram in a bid to reduce the royal carbon footprint, and silence critics who accuse him of failing to live by his green principles.

His Royal Highness, who once generated nearly 15 tonnes of carbon waste when he and his entourage took a private jet 7000 miles to New York and Philadelphia to accept an environmentalist award, chose to address the World Future Energy Summit in Abu Dhabi using the 3-D technology.

He is the first member of the Royal family to make a public address in virtual form. As a result, the Prince could be seen in two places at once this morning – addressing the challenges of climate change on stage in Abu Dhabi, while also visiting the site of a former colliery in Ayrshire.

The Prince was said to be reluctant to attend the energy summit in person because flights for him and his entourage would have generated nearly 20 tons of carbon waste. Instead, the larger-than-life projection left roughly the same amount as a light bulb.

However, royal flesh and blood was not entirely absent from the event. The Duke of York – dubbed “Air Miles Andy” because of his jet-set lifestyle – attended as a UK representative for trade.

Prince Charle’s six-minute address was recorded in the drawing room of Clarence House last November.

“He was very impressive and professional. It only took one take,” said Sean Reel, Commercial Director for Connecta Group, which produced the hologram.

“He was keen on using the hologram to show his commitment to reducing his own carbon footprint,” added Mr Reel.

“He is walking back and forth, and gesturing with his hands. It looks as though he is right there,” he said.

The prince was dressed in a dark suit, with a white flower worn in his lapel. Editors spliced in an image of a lectern.

The hologram was only slightly more expensive to produce than a traditional video link.

Former US Vice-President Al Gore used similar technology to appear as a hologram in Tokyo at the beginning of the Live Earth concerts earlier this year.

The idea to invite Prince Charles to appear by hologram came from organisers of the Abu Dhabi energy conference, attended by some of the Gulf’s most prominent industrial leaders, which is being billed as a “carbon-neutral” event.

It is the first major summit since the UN conference on climate change in Bali.

The prince was heavily critisised last year for flying to the US with an entourage of 20 staff to collect an award honoring him as an environmentalist from Harvard Medical School.

Last summer, he published details of his own carbon footprint and set targets to reduce the carbon emissions of the royal household in an effort to highlight environmental issues.

However, independent audits concluded the prince’s environmental practices were wanting.

Prince Charles’ pre-taped address was converted into a hologram image using a technique that dates back to music halls productions where “ghosts” would appear onstage.

A high-definition projector beams the video onto a holographic film set at a 45-degree angle, which reflects a 3D image of Prince Charles onstage.

The only complication arose over whether Royal protocol should apply to holographic image, with much debate over whether Prince Andrew, who is also attending the summit, should stand on the same stage as Prince Charles’s hologram.

“It’s a delicate area,” explained Mr Reel.

Energy Summit organisers say they hope the Prince’s holographic appearance will inspire others to cut their carbon emissions.

“We are looking into using the same technology for musicians so they can appear at multiple events at the same time,” said Mr Reel.

“Just think, Kylie could appear at five venues at once,” he said.

(Source: Times Online, 21 January 2008)

Ok, so he was beaten to the punch by Al Gore, but as far as dynastic use of holograms this is quite an achievement. How useful in the future depends on how quickly these productions can be made, whether there is a method of instantaneously producing the results or the cost of producing and transmitting data on such a scale.

It does come with the bonus that it can reduce travel and offer further options for entertainment. For example, a comedian could do a stand-up show with gigs in four places at once, or lectures by noted authorities could be carried out in multiple universities at once.

The company Dimensional Studios currently offers 3D holographic displays for events, with the Musion Eyeliner3D service, where they set up a specific set of equipment to project images on to, a 3D version of PowerPoint almost.

It’s not as impressive as free-floating holograms, but even projections can be a nifty effect and a show of wealth and power. ]]> http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog/2008/prince-chaz-becomes-emperor-for-a-day/feed/ 0 http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog/2007/bbc-loses-football-heres-some-more-options/ http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog/2007/bbc-loses-football-heres-some-more-options/#comments Sat, 31 Mar 2007 20:02:00 +0000 Guise Dugal http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog/?p=376 In the 1990s, BBC2 ran a television show that some might remember called Glam Metal Detectives which was a sketch/sitcom style show that contained a sort of channel-hopping theme throughout the show. Amongst the channels was Bloodsports TV which featured yobs taking part in car park fights and ram raiding, with play-by-play commentary.

There are times when I’ve thought this would actually be quite useful, to have a subscription channel based off local councils CCTV recordings from high streets, especially Chav-Goth warfare.

This isn’t so hard to think of as fictional sports and events, because they often are based on existing sporting concepts, are often easily translatable.

I would like to say, I didn’t know the Street Luge referred to in the Rollerball remake actually exists, and isn’t quite as impressive as the words conjure in my mind.

In The Blood of Heroes a game exists, called The Game, which is played by two armed and armoured teams (Juggers) attempting to score by placing a decorated dog skull on the opposing team’s goalpost. The strategy of the game is for one unarmed player to run with the skull, while the rest of the team protect them. In the real world, the Jugger game is played using LARP-like weapons.

Boinging from the comic book 2000AD, which involves jumping around in a plastic ball, is already part way there in the current form of Zorbing, which only really works down hill and not all around in every possible dimension, especially vertical.

It’s rather a shame that these have the safety features, but what else have we got to look forward to?

Triad from the original Battlestar Galactica game played in a small enclosed triangular court, where two teams of two players have to score points by getting a small silver-coloured ball within a hole on one of the walls. The ‘kick-off- features players locking arms in a circle, force a sphere out of the circle and unlock arms and try to put the sphere in the opposing teams goal. Players can move with the ball or thow/bounce it, making it a cross between handball, volleyball and basketball. However, unless it becomes a female only league, we may have to avoid the traditional costume of Speedos and sports bras with NFL-style armour.

Zero Gravity Football from Red Dwarf, which is simply American Football played in zero-gravity. Simple, huh? So, instead of running you can push off of players and walls for movements, or even throw another team member for higher speed.

Rollerball of Rollerball, where two teams clad in body armour skate on roller skates around a banked, circular track – each team also has three players who ride motorcycles to which team-mates can latch on and be towed. The object of the game is to score points by throwing a softball-sized steel ball into the goal, which is a cone-shaped area inset into the wall of the arena. It is full-contact, and players can attack opposing players in order to take or keep possession of the ball.

Speedball of the Amiga game Speedball, similar to rollerball except without the skates, the game is played on a flat surface in an enclosed area between two teams wearing heavy body armour, the object is to score goals with a heavy metal ball and the rules allow full-contact and no holds barred.

Mutant League Football of the Sega Mega Drive (Genesis) game Mutant League Football, with pretty much the closest rules of play as American Football, with small exceptions. These exceptions are things like landmines and other hazards on the field and players with tricks such as exploding balls and electric shocks.

Blitz from the X-Box game Deathrow, which is like Frisbee Golf, hockey and pit fighting. If it weren’t great enough that players include ex-convicts and cyber-modified, drugged, highly trained specialists, then consider the disc they play with can be energised to injure goalies. Full-contact sport too.

Human Pinball from 2000AD, simply put you climb in to a large ball, get sprung fired in to a giant pinball machine, hit bumpers for points and get rebounded off of flippers.

Sky-Surfing from 2000AD, which is like ordinary surfing, but done on an ‘anti-gravity’ surfboard that floats in the air with hand-held screen controls, and the aim involves racing on sky-surfboards through obstacles. One could imagine a low-tech version of jumping out of a plane in a sky-diving stunt, scoring points for board tricks.

Kosho from The Prisoner, which is a fictional sport/martial art played on two trampolines set on either side of a four-foot-by-eight-foot tank of water and bordered on two sides by a wall with an angled ledge and hand-rail. Two helmeted opponents each wear a boxing glove on their left hand and a lighter padded glove on their right, and while moving freely in three dimensions attempt to knock, push or throw each other into the tank.

The Aggro Dome from 2000AD where citizens can vent their anger on robots, mock store fronts, and parked vehicles. Similar to buying a car from a used car lot to take a sledgehammer to it, or molesting a RealDoll.

The Thunderdome from the Mad Max series, a dome of steel and wire resembling nothing so much as a birdcage that acts as a gladitorial pit, where fighters bounce around on elastic bungee cords, attacking each other with weapons strewn about the arena. Elements exists everywhere, the game show Gladiators had a game with people bouncing everywhere to grab giant foam balls, so the next logical step is bungee cords in a safe soft-netted area with LARP weapons and eggs filled with paint for scoring.

The Running Man from The Running Man. In the book the rules are fairly straightforward, contestants cantravel anywhere in the world, and you can win $100 for every hour that you stay alive and if you manage to stay alive for 30 days you win One Billion Dollars, of course that means avoiding the people tracking the contestants, who are experts who shoot to kill and they actively get the public to help turn in the contestants. In the movie, it is a means of getting released from imprisonment, and is played in a closed-off arena which is mostly an earthquake-ruined section of Los Angeles, several “Runners” attempt to survive while being chased by “Stalkers”, the Stalkers resemble very gimmicky wrestlers. The masses can bet on who is likely to kill or die next, and studio audiences nominate who the next Stalker is.

Death Race from Death Race 2000, or to give it its proper name, The Transcontinental Road Race, where five racers and their navigators jump into heavily-customized cars and charge from New York Memorial Stadium to New L.A.. The TRR actually acts as population control along the way, with racers scoring points by running people over (Women of child-bearing age: 10 points, Teens: 40 points, Children under twelve: 70 points, Elderly: 100 points). The most entertaining aspect is the personalities of the racers, who are as gimmicky as 1980/90s wrestlers from WCW and WWF.

The Long Walk from The Long Walk, where each year a hundred teenage walkers set off at four miles an hour or faster, and every time a walker falls below four miles an hour, he is warned. Instead of a fourth warning, the Walker is shot by soldiers. If a walker manages to go for an hour without gaining any more warnings, one of his current warnings (if any) is lost: after three hours of four miles an hour, you are free and clear. The prize for being the last walker is whatever the winner wishes.

And, of course, can’t mention a means of child population control without mentioning Battle Royale.

From the manga and movie Battle Royale, fifty randomly selected classes of secondary school students are corralled onto buses and gassed, to awaken in a school on an isolated, evacuated island, wearing metal collars around their necks. They are given survival packs and a random weapon or tool, and sent off separately to the island. They are then forced to take arms against one another until only one student in each class remains, and the outcome of each battle is publicized on local television. To make sure the students obey the rules and kill each other, the metal collars around their necks track their positions and will explode if they linger in a ‘Forbidden Zone’ or attempt to remove the collars, and if twenty-four hours pass without someone being killed, then all of the collars will be detonated simultaneously.

I’M A CELEBRITY’S BIG BROTHER SURVIVOR – GET ME OUT OF HEREA show where the older siblings of Z-list celebrities are taken from there home and left in a shack on a deserted island where they must compete to try and get their relatives a renewed tv contract – if they don’t survive, they both don’t survive.

ASBO GLADIATORS

Weekly fights from CCTV footage of fights between yobs. Includes the Goth vs. Chav league tables. (Kudos to Andy for the name, I’d have just referred to Street Fighters)

CELEBRITY SURVIVOR: THE DONNER PARTY

Hosted by Hollywood big name Richard Donner, a group of celebrities are taken from their homes, loaded on a plane and flown into a fog-covered mountain range. After the impending crash, they must survive until hope arrives. Included on the flight are celebrity chefs to offer a wide variety of recipes if you are playing along at home!

PIMP MY WIFE

Trinny and Susannah take the Wife Swap and Makeover formats to the next level, outfitting all manner of women for a new life on the streets. From fashion advice to business management, the show will cover everything needed to make the life altering change.

ESCAPE FROM THE RAT RACE

A whole new breed of sport show. Welfare customers proven to have fraudulently claiming as disabled or incapable to work in order to avoid being pat of the ‘rat race’ are given the chance to earn a free £20k salary for 3 years if they can Escape The Rat Race. The Rat Race consists of a 10k run in underground tunnels chased by a released horde of hungry sewer rats, a swimming challenge though leech infested waters and a weekly ‘surprise challenge’. Hosted by Roland Rat and marathon runner Paula Radcliffe MBE.

NECROLYMPICS

Recently deceased competitors attempt to earn prizes and money for their surviving relatives in a range of sporting events including the luge, slalom rapids canoeing, bobsleigh (and skeleton bob), horse riding, rodeo bull, and automated pole vault (like a trebuchet).

Went for a bacon sandwich and blue raspberryade, and then came home. On route we discussed a plan for clowns, mainly my plan with a few Tim comments that joined it together. I wish I had an MP3 dictaphone sometimes.

Tim started it by suggesting they change the parade into a shooting gallery, however, I found it more entertaining to bring back some of the more interesting elements of the circus – fights for survival. Each clown would have a knife strapped to their wrist and a tamers whip, they’d be sent into the Circus to fight to the death, and occasionally lions would be released. The clowns could use pies, but they’d be burning hot and some of the may contain nuts to add risk to the proceedings; they’d also be allowed to use oversized hammers and battery acid in a squirting flower.

Clown cars would make up the chariot race in a Death Race 2000 style, running over clowns to score points. The pedestrian clowns would be equipped with mallets to attack drivers.

Tim pointed out it wouldn’t be right, because clowns deaths aren’t funny. I illustrated the point :

Wembley Stadium, thousands in attendance, capacity crowd. Two clowns stand in the centre of the area, both wear oversized shiny red shoes, baggy trousers and have knives attached to their wrists by leather straps. They look at each other with fear in their eyes but a smile on their face. The First charges forward with knife pointing out, he gets two steps but trips over his shoes and prat falls on his face. The Second rushes in, but trips over the First, tumbles and rolls to the chorus of honks and cymbols.They stand up and look at each other. Then they look down.

They spot the knives in their chests where they’ve both managed to fall on their knives. At the same time they fall backwards, dead.

Tim sniggered, proving clown deaths have some entertainment value.

I pointed out that Jesters and Mimes would be safe, as Jesters are just sarcastic humourists with lepers clothing and Mimes are harmless, anyone stupid enough to lock themselves in a glass box is no threat. Any other clown would have to be rounded up, and agreed that this may cause some clowns to go underground, normalising their garish clothes into items like neon nylon shellsuits and reducing their make-up to a touch of eyelinr.

This isn’t unprecedented, in the secret clownhunts of the 80s and 90s, a number of clowns took this method and made a career for themselves, keeping the novelty appearance. Timmy Mallet and The Chuckle Brothers were actually evading capture under new identities.

I suggested clownhunts to be carried out in a manner of ways : get them to walk in a straight line without falling over and tumbling; throw a custard pie at them, if it hits and they punch you then they are ok, if they honk a horn then they are clowns.

Tim likened this to the FBI hunt for Communists and the idea that to avoid breaching rights how Communism was considered a disease not a political or religious belief. I agreed that this is how Clownunism should be treated. How a President would one day stand up and admit “When I was in college, I experimented with clowning. I did a prat fall…but I did not honk. It was Peer Pressure, everyone else was climbing into little cars…”

Tim pointed out that Lenny Henry had been corrupting the nation, and it’s youth, for years with this Comic Relief “Red Nose Day” idea. I agree, he’s been telling kids to try on a nose, that they wouldn’t know they liked it unless they try it, and every time the price of the nose increases and increases. Kids do it too, because their freinds, and celebrities, are all doing it. Is it any surprise they are helping famine and drought in Afrikea, they waste so much food in custard pies and baked bean baths, and use water for falling in or spraying from soda dispensers. AS Tim put it “Congratulations, you’ve managed to hold clowns responsible for all the world’s problems”, and as I told him, no, they did that themselves.

I planned to go undercover in a Happiness Patrol, dressed as the Joker, to find these clowns. After finding proof of their jovial lifestyles I would proceed to put them out of my misery.

I have to go back into town this afternoon to see Dave, luckily the clowns should be herded into parks by then to corrupt children.

I’m on to you, Clown, I’m on to you!

Without A Trace/X-Files
Drama. When a 13 year old girl goes missing from a trailer park site on the outskirts of the city Jack Malone and the Missing Persons Squad of the Federal Bureau of Investigation goes on the search, only to find the scene already under investigation by Special Agent Fox Mulder who believes the answer lies further from home than Malone suspects.

Walking With Dinosaurs/Jurassic Park
Edu-tainment. A mix of adventure and science, as Dr Alan Grant (Sam Neil) provides broadcasts from “Jurassic Park” a theme park which boasts dinosaurs in their natural environment, including lectures on species, hunting and environments, discussions on engineering, operations of zoos and theme parks, and genetics. Includes Live Feeds to dig project across the globe. (Spoiler : During Week Four, the show takes on an exciting twist when Grant, his Kidz Krew and Cameraman are stranded in the far end of the park and share their knowledge to find a way home).

I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here/Celebrity Deathmatch
Sport/Reality Game Show. Twenty celebrities are placed (forced) on a desert island to fend for themselves, at the end of every week the public votes for the two least favourite celebrities who must then fight, literally, to the death to win food to survive another day, with a lifetime contract in every entertainment industry for the rest of their life.
(Spolier : The food is there opponent, covered in McDonalds secret sauce)

Combat Missions/Running Man/Dirty Dozen/The Handler/Interceptor
Sport/Reality. Four teams of convicted criminals are given one last chance for freedom, by competing in a game show where weekly they are given “war game” missions to complete (like blowing up a tank, destroying an arms cache, destroying a drug lab, surveillance) against a squad of shadowy enforcers and specialist Interceptors who are determined to take them down. High violence with real ammunition on the enforcers/Interceptors side. The winning team gains freedom and a government contract as Mission Specialists for the military (see the UK CM – DFS here : 15 February 2004).

Garfield And Friends/Yan Can Cook
Comedy/Cooking. See Garfield, Odie and the Orsons Farm gang in a whole range of sticky situations, including “Sweet n Sour”, “Oyster Sauce” and “Stir Fry”.

The Weakest Link/-Generic Medical Show-
Game Show. Citizens of Britain are tested on their grasp of general knowledge (and common sense), and the lowest scorers are eliminated as the game progresses. Unlike the usual show, there is no vote except in a tie break situation, and also different losers are sterilised so not to pollute the gene pool.

Cops/Logans Run
Reality. Filmed on location with the men and women of Population Control, all citizens are considered guilty until proven innocent (through provision of evidence contrary to Social/Biological Crime).

MacGyver/The A-Team
MacGyver is a different kind of hero – he doesn´t use weapons, he´s afraid of heights, and he´s an expert at making complicated machines out of ordinary things…he is part of a think tank called the Phoenix Foundation for Research.

The A-Team are a rag-tag group of benevolent mercenaries, fugitives from the US Military. Experts at fire arms and military strategy, and also masters of invention.

When the two are forced to work together against a corrupt General a fan, a dough-scraper and some duct tape can form an excellent helicopter attack, a cut credit card can help cause a traffic jam and a light bulb can make an outstanding set of lock picks.

Come on TV, you know you want to do these as much as I do!