German throws puppy at Hells Angels bikers then flees on bulldozer

A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria when he made a rude gesture at a group of Hells Angels, hurled a puppy at them and then escaped on a stolen bulldozer.

The 26-year-old drove into the grounds of the motorcycle gang members’ clubhouse north of Munich on Sunday, according to reports in local media.

The young man, who was not identified, then dropped his pants, threw the puppy, and then fled.

After making his getaway, he stole the bulldozer from a construction site, and attempted to drive it to Munich. However, it was not fast enough, and his snail-like pace caused a 3-mile traffic jam near the southern town of Allershausen, according to a report in the English-language newspaper The Local, which cited the daily tz.
He then fled to his home nearby where he was apprehended by the police.

“What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell’s Angels is currently unclear,” said a spokesman for local police. He said the student had lately been suffering from depression.

The puppy was now in safe hands at a local animal shelter, the spokesman added.

(Source: German throws puppy at Hells Angels bikers then flees on bulldozer, The Telegraph, 15 June 2010)

Ok, so a guy walks straight in to a Hells Angels bar? Gutsy. Same guy moons a bunch of bikers? Tough. Same guy steals a bulldozer as a getaway car? Hardcore! Same guy threw a puppy at the bikers before making his escape? Wait, what?

The real question I want to find an answer to is the breed of dog used for the puppy grenade. A basset hound, with all it’s flappy skin, would have too much resistance in motion that it might even fly backwards. Breeds like golden retrievers or labradors don’t really seem that threatening as a projectile weapon. I’d also think that stocky breeds like a bulldog or st bernard would be a hard throw, and great danes or dachshunds would have a difficult pitch.

To me I think the logical choice is something small and compact, probably a yappy breed – chihuahuas seem to fit the bill – but I wouldn’t discard a long-eared breed like a King Charles spaniel, enabling a two-handed toss over the head for a maximum distance.

Of course, we can’t let those pesky Germans get away with all the explosive animal bio-weapons, and so I propose the next logical step: the Molotov Cat-tail. That’s right, the Molotov Cat-tail, just pitch one of our highly trained kittens at your opponent, the Cat-tail will bond with the opponent using high-tech Cat-tail Latching Adhesion Widgets (C.L.A.W.’s) and then begin a furious shredding action resulting in deep pain and burning sensations.

For an added bit of fun, if you look at the photo credit on the Telegraph site, I’m sure you’ll be amused (thanks, Rex, have a Bonio).

For those not from the UK, and indeed a vast proportion of the UK who are tabloid readers or didn’t pay attention in class (which given the numerous conversations I’ve had recently is a staggering number), I do feel the need to point out something that might come as a surprise: we are not voting for a Prime Minister.

This may come as a surprise to those who are used to an electoral system where you vote for central government directly, but it comes more of a surprise to people who expect on election day to see the leaders of the political party on their ballot sheet.

Some of you may recall that I posted a brief overview of Government in my entry Ministers in the UK – not just toffs and princlies (April 2008). Well, the General Election is used to vote for the Member of Parliament for your specific area (constituency), each MP is given a seat in the House of Commons and the division of seats is what determines who is the ruling party (or parties, in the event of a Hung Parliament where coalition is needed).

It’s actually rather shocking how many people I know who can’t name at least two candidates standing for MP in this constituency, or even who our current MP is. It isn’t that we don’t have an active MP, but that people just don’t find a reason to know. People seem to concern themselves with the National Picture, something for which we have very little effect upon.

If you consider that the largest constituency in the UK could vote unanimously on one candidate in full support of the party behind them, but the end result would be one seat, a set fraction of Parliament.

We’re also prompted to vote on local issues, because that is really all a local MP can affect, but then there’s very rarely a correlation between the party we’d trust to look after our local community and those we want running the national economy.

We also don’t get to vote on laws, and I put this in solely for those few who mentioned the Propositions that get tagged on to US elections. I rather like the idea of the public vote on legal issues, even if completely ignored by policy makers. I don’t believe the people should be the determining factor – I’ve seen some of the Prop’s that got passed stateside – but if it was a factor or could be used to garner support and awareness, I’m for it.

The Liberal Democrats have for some considerable time wanted to instigate electoral reform, including a form of proportional representation – which, as Wikipedia helpfully puts it, is aimed at securing a close match between the percentage of votes that groups of candidates obtain in elections, and the percentage of seats they receive.

Personally, I’d like to be able to hold two votes in an election, a local representation vote to elect my local MP and a proportional representation vote to elect the governing party.

As I said on Twitter recently, it feels like the election in the UK is going the way of hairstyles. You have a choice of parting your hair on the left or right (depending on which of the current two major parties you prefer), having a combover (voting the LibDem, using the fresh alive follicles to provide enough cover) or skinhead (scary thought, but there’s a likelihood we may see the BNP win seats this year). I kinda want ‘bed head’ by this point.

You see there are plenty of parties in the UK elections, many very well established and several hundred independents, all with their own policies and manifestos. here are some examples to help you:

• Labour – The current Government. Traditionally representing Working Classes until they actual got power and became New Labour and changed from socialists to socialites under Tony Blair. Compare to the way the senate gave power to a Chancellor from Naboo who then changed a Republic Senate into a Galactic Empire. Then Blair left and left Gordon Brown in charge.

• Conservatives – The current Opposition (this being basically the official runner-up). Traditionally representing the Middle Classes and London taxi drivers who wear thick gold chains around their neck. They seem to have softened since the Thatcher era, with a soft-spoken leader of the party who whenever you seem him feel a sense of reassurance that whatever policies he may put forward you could probably take him down easily in a barfight.
• Liberal Democrats – For eons the LibDems have existed as the comic relief for the electoral process, always coming in third place and providing a foil. Frequently managing to squirrel seats and hamper plots. Something, somewhere changed that though – personally I believe it was when they made Charles Kennedy party leader. Sadly they later sacked him for being far too interesting and likable, they weren’t ready for that big a step – and currently the LibDems actually look like they might gain quite a bit of influence. Some pundits are even saying that they could ‘win’ with a Hung Parliament. Compare this to TVTrope’s The Scrappy.
• Green – The environmentalist party, if they join a Hung Parliament I am hoping that in the first meeting of the House of Commons to hear the following:
  “EARTH!”
  “FIRE!”
  “WIND!”
  “WATER!”
  “HEART!”
  “Go Planet!”
  “By your powers combined, I am Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs!”

• Official Monster Raving Loony Party – Yes, it’s a proper party that has won local elections before and it has had ‘proper’ policies, such as: Refusing to sign up to the euro, but inviting the rest of Europe to join the british pound; Drivers can go straight over a roundabout when there’s no traffic coming “to make driving through Milton Keynes more fun”; Traffic cops “too stupid” for normal police work to be retrained as vicars; Withdrawal of MPs’ expenses allowance to “in future be distributed to the poor and needy so that they can waste it instead”; The introduction of a 99p coin to “save on change”.
• British National Party (BNP) – Oi, immig’ants owt. Comin’ over here doing our jobs…on time…for an agreed reasonable price…how dare you!
• UK Independence Party (UKIP) – Oi, us owt. A party dedicated to getting us out of Europe.

As you can see, with so many parties and the system so broken apart for representation in Parliament it is very hard to seize control in the UK through a democratic process – it is also not within the British mindset to hold a bloody political coup, in the mad days of Northern Rock’s banking collapse people furiously queued to withdraw their money and the only violent projectiles ever aimed at our MPs tend to have first exited a chickens behind.

I’m hoping it’s not impossible though, because I want to be elected to power. I have a manifesto with policies, I have a vision and I reckon I could free up a few hours a week to run the country as the tyrannical Primary Malevolent Benevolence.

So, look over the page for my policies and remember to vote!

I’ve mentioned before about how my brothers and I grew up on Action Force, the UK re-brand of GI Joe, and about my support for COBRA and the Dreadnoks over the good guys of the series – for one thing, Cobra actually had a uniformed military organisation and supporting named specialists, and not just random specialists with very little back-up who went into missions solo (I don’t care how Hollywood it is, but there are very few occassions in history where one guy with a rifle has overwhelmed an entire army).

The problem with Cobra however is their inability to make the best use of their arsenal or formulate plans to the best strategic outline. In fairness, the plans in the comic books tended to be a lotter better formulated and a lot more successful, with even a few Cobra victories, but the cartoons obviously couldn’t go that way. Because GI Joe cartoons were re-dubbed in sections to make Action Force, releases were limited and we never really got regular showings, most of what we got was from VHS releases of cropped together mini-series or random compilation episodes, they still gave a good overview though.

Cobra Commander’s briefings, in my imagination, must have played out like getting a sugared-up kid with ADHD to come up with a story, you start off with a nice simple plan for world domination and the next moment you suddenly have hundreds of variables thrown in. In one of my favourite, and one of our first, videos this plays out to it’s fullest. Some of you might remember the story arc, Pyramids of Darkness. I’d worry about spoiling it, but to be honest it came out in 1985 and if you haven’t seen it by now, then you would have seen any other cartoon about heroes from a toyline and they all end the same way.

The crucial point of the plan is that Cobra will hijack a weapons satellite and, using several giant black cubes, align it to a certain orbit that will allow the weapon to disrupt all electrical operations in the Northern Hemisphere.

How the cubes actually work or what they actually do is never really touched upon, other than they somehow complete the shadowy “pyramid” over the Earth. They may just have been landmarks to ensure placement was correct by always being at certain positions relative to the satellites orientation, all that is really touched on is that they needed a super-secret facility to build them and they had to be shipped around the globe without anyone noticing them. No-one it seems thought to build them closer to the location or to use options such as a gyroscope and existing landmarks on the satellite.

It’s a simple plan, and one that the James Bond movie Goldeneye proves can border on successful when pulled by a villain who doesn’t need ritalin. Cobra Commander though decides to throw in the variables, the first is to sneak aboard a GI Joe space shuttle – despite the fact that the Crimson Twins appear to have their own personal space shuttle. Fair enough though, because the Joe shuttle probably has preset codes and flight plans that will enable it to dock with the space station.
So, Cobra uses a feint to sneak aboard, finding the secret location of the shuttle bases and hiding their troops all around waiting for the launch, so that they can sneak an extra cargo box in unnoticed. Now, I’m no leader of a terrorist army, but if I wanted to sneak something in and knew the location of a top secret base crucial to my plans, I’d probably try using my stealthiest guys to get the cargo in before launch day, rather than risking the scrapping of the mission. Luckily, Joes aren’t the kind of people to allow an attempt to disrupt a space mission to actually stop them launching, even if several weapons fired upon the shuttle.

The Cobra forces back away, and are given protection by several giant robots that emerge from a lake. Now I’m no owner of giant war robots, but if I wanted to destroy my enemies, I’d pretty much see how far I could get letting my robots squish and burn through their forces – who knows, I might not even have needed the space station. But no, for Cobra Commanders briefing it was more like “and then…and then, after we’ve used like our stealthy ways to get cargo on to the totally cool spaceship…um, GIANT ROBOTS WILL SAVE US…yeah!”

So, while the Cobra troops escape to begin moving around cubes, the Joes rocket continues into space. The cargo that Cobra left emerges, small cute creatures called Fatal Fluffies, and small cute creatures called Dreadnoks too. Zartan, stealthily hidden on the space shuttle in a manner that meant he could have actually assassinated all crew while they slept and seized control, is joined by untrained motorcycle enthusists who think firing weapons in a shuttle is a good idea – once again, this isn’t great planning, Zartan on his own, or Storm Shadow for that matter, would have taken the ship over, docked and taken the satellite before Cobra Commander could have decided finished trying to lisp his way through the lunch menu.

The Fatal Fluffies, another deviation from the best laid plans, had the ability to turn from Furby to Minotaur by the blowing of a whistle. Now I’m no genetic scientist with a penchant for creating bio-weapons, but if I created a creature that was instantly cooed over by everyone but could recieve a signal to turn into a bloodlusting brute that obeyed my commands, I’d make sure to market it at Christmas and rule to world by Boxing Day.

We then find out that the satellite has a huge ass mega-laser that can easily target and destroy single buildings. Why they are bothering with blocking out electricals when they can blow up Pentagon with the US’s own weapon, I’m not sure – especially seeing as anyone can pretty much target the thing. If Zartan had just killed everyone else on board, he could have taken over with no risk of rebellion and taken out any opposition with his death ray.

Back on terra firma, Cobra begins moving cubes around the world, because it’s only after getting their crew to space that they decide to put the actual infrastructure in place, giving more time for the good guys to regain control and spreading the terrorist forces even thinner on the ground. Had the cubes been built over time and in places closer to their final destination, there would be less delay and a lower risk threshold for Joes stopping their placement.

Despite all these flaws and these wasted plans, Cobra actually succeeds in activating the pyramid. The Northern Hemisphere gets shadowed by electricity disruption, which theoretically will have crashed planes, stopped life support systems and led to nuclear meltdowns from power plant safeties turning off, the world would never be the same and millions or billions would die in the merest blink of an eye. Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Or not.

All that is really shown is some lights flickering off and cars stop, but it’s implied that some other stuff doesn’t work too as the Joes have to use sailing ships to get around the globe. The good guys make an assault on Cobra HQ and another wasted weapon is shown, an amazing heatray that melts things and causes heatsroke, but is mounted on Cobra HQ amid mountains with precarious boulders. No-one thought to mount it on tanks apparently.

Obviously, the Joes take control of the satellite in space and on the ground they find the conveniently labelled ‘self destruct’ button.

In that moment I knew I must collect Cobra toys and not Joes, Cobra had resources and good specialists, what it lacked was a leader. My friends and my brothers all collected the ‘good guys’, but when faced with the choices of characters, I always went for the Cobra (though, vehicle wise I was mostly Joe, because I prefer vehicles made for tactics and not based on pogo sticks).

edit: For your entertainment, I tracked down the episode summaries and Joost has the episodes up (starting with Part One).

TL;DR: Heat Weapons, Electromagnetic Pulses, Giant Robots, Space Lasers. Imagine what I could do with them…

In the real world, or at least this one, fungi is currently wiping out frog species across the world. Batrachochytrium dendrobatidis is apparently the leading suspect in an amphibian genicide plot, but this post doesn’t link to any Italian-Americans, but more to the Scottish.

You see, the Scottish are not just trying to preserve certain species of frog, but may actually be planning some much more sinister.

Fife aquarium breeds deadly frogs

A frog so poisonous that it can kill up to 200 people has been successfully bred at a Fife aquarium.

The golden arrow poison dart frog secretes toxin from its skin, which is used by south American tribesmen to poison their blow-gun darts.

The amphibian is under threat in the wild due to loss of habitat and pollution in its native region of Chaco in West Colombia.

Deep Sea World in North Queensferry has now bred nine of the frogs.

The centre’s breeding programme will play an important role in protecting the species by reducing the number of frogs being taken from the wild for captivity.

Scientists believe the frogs produce their chemical arsenal by metabolising toxins contained in their prey – mostly insects, ants and other invertebrates.

Michael Morris, Deep Sea World aquarist, said: “These beautiful frogs are under increasing threat in the wild due to loss of habitat and pollution and we are delighted to have been able to breed them successfully here in Scotland.

“It’s imperative we are able to mimic exactly their wild environment in order for the species to thrive in captivity and it’s a real achievement they are breeding so successfully.

“They’ve passed the critical stage of development from tadpoles into froglets and they now look like perfect miniature replicas of their parents.”

There are about 70 different species of poison dart frogs found throughout the rainforests of central and south America.

Loss of habitat threatens their long-term survival chances and captive breeding programmes are being set up worldwide to try and safeguard their future.

Despite their deadly status, it is hoped that the golden arrow frog could one day help save lives.

Medical researchers are developing muscle relaxants, heart stimulants, and anaesthetics made from the frogs’ toxins which have the potential to become a far more effective and less addictive alternative to morphine.

(Source: Fife aquarium breeds deadly frogs, BBC News, 18 March 2009)

The guise of furthering medical advances has been used so much as a cover for destructive means, from Umbrella Corporation to VersaLife scandals. I’m sure you will agree that the only logical conclusion to this is that the Scottish are sneaky and breeding a bio-weapon – a bio-weapon for which they know how to eradicate afterwards.

When the world is looking to exterminate with laser beams other things that can kill us, why else would any country look to increase the number of another species that can have a more direct and imminent threat to life.

As the article points out, these creatures are ‘so poisonous that [they] can kill up to 200 people’, which is much more effective than most suicide bombers and with training from the Scottish regiments and Glaswegian alcoholics it’ll have tremendous hand-to-hand and weapons training. It already has stealth skin for covert missions.

What’s more, once released the threat of these Kermit Kill Squads is total. Similar to Zombies in a bustling metropolis, the frogs will be in their element, with the whole island spread out before them in an ever damp, dank and dark field of battle.

I am now left to wonder whether a Scottish variant of InGen was involved in this debacle, and just like they used frog DNA to make dinosaurs, they also used frog DNA to make, well, frogs. If so, and with their tendency to always lose a few of their creations, then it might just explain the mutant discovered in the local area back in 2004.

Our only hope is to find a natural predator. We need a creature that will be able to hunt and consume every last creature before the destroy our population. We need…the French.

Oh man, we’re boned.

Thou shalt not commit a genetic experiment

The Roman Catholic church updated its list of mortal sins yesterday to include 21st century issues such as pollution and genetic experimentation.

The new list was announced after a week-long confession refresher course for priests. Traditionally, mortal sins are those which break the Ten Commandments and include murder and adultery.

According to the Catholic faith, they must be confessed to a priest and if not absolved or forgiven, will lead to a person’s soul being condemned to hell.

But now genetic experimentation, tampering with the order of nature, pollution, social injustice, causing poverty, excessive wealth and drug abuse have been added.

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti is in charge of the Apostolic Penitentiary, the Vatican department which runs the confession refresher course.

He said: ‘Today there are various new sins which concern the rights of the individual and society and above all these are in the field of bioethics.

‘Within this, there are several fundamental violations of nature taking place – experiments, genetic manipulation, which are very difficult to control.

‘Socially there is the field of drugs which weaken both intelligence and physically, leaving many youngsters outside the church circuit.

‘Then elsewhere socially, we have inequality of wealth with the poor getting poorer and the rich getting richer, this in turns feeds an ever growing social injustice,’ he added.

(Source: Metro, 09 March 2008)

If I arrange an invasion of a Calais superstore with armed guards, they won’t be able to carry anything out because plastic bags are bad for the environment, and they have to walk to and fro because of air pollution – looks like I’ll be bringing back blimps and sailing.

It’s even gotten to the point where a guy can’t even work on combining Scorpions and Squirrels in to a single entity without the Church breathing down your neck.

The thing about the original seven deadlies was that they were created by a 6th century Pope, Gregory the Great, who at least had memorable marketting on his side. Seven Deadly Sins has a much better ring than 14 Deadly Sins or 7 Deadly and 7 A Little Less Naughty Sins. Ok, so they are calling them Social Sins, but really, how many of us are actually actively committing these sins.

The sins themselves were much better in a simplified version: Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, Sloth. Now, compare against: Bioethical violations (which they’ve so helpfully included birth control),  ‘Morally dubious’ experiments (including stem cell research), Drug abuse (and supply), Polluting the environment, Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor, Excessive wealth, Creating poverty.

Does ‘Morally Dubious’ experiments or Bioethical violations include using pesticide on plants or growing GM crops, I wonder. Is the next stage of marketting for organic fruit and veg going to be “Eat Organic…or Rot In Hell!”? Isn’t drug abuse a form of Gluttony too?

Dante gave each of the 7 deadlies a fitting punishment:

• Pride Broken on the wheel
• Envy Put in freezing water
• Gluttony Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
• Lust Smothered in fire and brimstone
• Anger Dismembered alive
• Greed Put in cauldrons of boiling oil
• SlothThrown in snake pits

So, how is the Horned One meant to punish these new sinners?

• Bioethical violations Spend existence inside a giant used condom
• ‘Morally dubious’ experiments Anal probes by a demon with a nervous twitch
• Drug abuse Marathon of Cheech and Chong
• Polluting the environment Litter picking along the shores of the River Styx
• Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor A weekend in Yorkshire
• Excessive wealth Having a golden rod slowly inserted 
• Creating poverty A marathon of Bob Geldof speeches

You want 7 Social Sins that modernise the original 7: Pissing or vomitting in someones doorway or garden because you got yourself wasted at a nightclub, Cold Calling for sales or market research, caravanning, using AOLspeak/Text message speak outside of a text message when you have no credit left, wearing fake burberry, acting gangsta, breeding irresponsibly.

Socially, there is a field of drugs which weaken both intelligence and physically, leaving many youngsters outside the church circuit, of course, some could argue that religious fundamentalists in the media who don’t do drugs can often exhibit similar intelligence and can often suffer from tremendous weight problems. Also, I’m not quite sure it’s drugs keeping kids out of church, maybe they just view it as out of touch? 

Then elsewhere socially, we have inequality of wealth with the poor getting poorer and the rich getting richer, this in turns feeds an ever growing social injustice, I’m pretty sure that if they sold off some of the artwork and buildings, lived a pious life, they could probably help this along a bit.

Here’s an idea for lowering poverty and not contributing to widening the rich-poor divide, allow family planning so that people can have the children they want and still knock boots in a healthy, loving manner.

From The Times (10 March 2008):

He said that two mortal sins which continued to preoccupy the Vatican were abortion, which offended “the dignity and rights of women”, and paedophilia, which had even infected the clergy itself and so had exposed the “human and institutional fragility of the Church”.

The mass media had “blown up” the issue “to discredit the Church”, but the Church itself was taking steps to deal with it.

Here’s an idea, deal with having your people not fucking children and being sexist bigots first and then dictate to us what else we’re doing wrong. Heck, I might actually respect you more if you took the stance “It isn’t lust if they haven’t graduated High School”.

Now, it just so happens that there is a creature with the name squirpion (Sciurus Scorpionida) and I have commented a few times on its species and particular traits. I can only believe that somewhere along the line there is going to be one huge, humourous tragedy of situational comedy style, as someone tries to find how to tackle a nest of scorpions in their basement.

Speaking of squirpions, Discovery News provides a very interesting report on a scientific study that further validates why squirrels can be a good base model for a nightmarish hybrid creature.

Squirrels Fake Out Would-Be Nut Thieves

Squirrels may be small and furry, but they’re also clever tricksters, suggests a new study that describes how eastern grey squirrels engage in behavioral, and perhaps even tactical, deception.

The study is the first to present evidence that any rodent deceives. It’s also one of the first to document deception in the wild, since most other related studies have been conducted on captive critters.

The free-living squirrels mislead to protect their stashes of nuts and acorns, which they store, or cache, for later consumption. When storing food, they first excavate a shallow pit that they dig with their front paws.

Then, with the food in their mouths, the industrious squirrels push the item into the base of the pit “often with several thrusts of the entire body.” Finally, they drag their paws over the site to cover it with soil and debris.

Scientists, however, noticed that the squirrels would turn their backs on other squirrels and go through the whole storage ritual without even dropping food into the holes.

“In deceptive caching, according to our definition, the animals cover over empty cache sites, or alternatively move a few meters away from a cached acorn and perform covering behavior,” lead author Michael Steele told Discovery News.

Steele, an associate professor of biology at Wilkes University, and his colleagues observed this hide-and-go-seek food deception among squirrels at Kirby Park in Wilkes-Barre, Pa.

Co-author Sylvia Halkin then led a second experiment on the campus of Central Connecticut State University. In the experiment, one person provided the squirrels with peanuts, a second monitored squirrel behavior and a third person actually pilfered nuts from the rodents.

The findings are published in the current issue of the journal Animal Behavior.

When the squirrels detected the human peanut pilfering, they initiated their deceptive behavior by covering sites where no food had been stored. They also made more of an effort to cache nuts in more remote places, such as under bushes and in tree nests, stumps or cavities. They even resorted to eating nuts rather than storing them.

The squirrels did such a good job at digging fake storage holes that they often tricked the human pilferers, who had trouble finding the peanuts. Other squirrels, even with their heightened sense of smell, can also be foiled by the deception.

“It appears that other squirrels are able to watch a caching squirrel and then go directly to the cache site, even if chased or interrupted in their path to the cache site,” Steele explained. “However, once they arrive at an empty cache site, they give up the search as soon as they discover that it is empty.”

Squirrels aren’t the only animals caught in the act of deception. Steele says that deception is relatively common among primates and social carnivores.

Humans, of course, are among the most skilled individuals at deception, as any given moment in a Las Vegas casino might prove. While there is no doubt that we consciously deceive, the scientists can’t yet prove that squirrels make a tactical decision to fool others.

Lisa Leaver, a senior lecturer in the School of Psychology at the University of Exeter, said no one has yet proven that squirrels can understand the intentions of others, which would mean that they possess “theory of mind,” so she thinks it’s possible squirrels simply act based on trial and error.

Steele, however, suspects that squirrels are indeed tactical deceivers. He hopes future research will confirm these suspicions that he and many a bird-feeding homeowner have.

(Source: Discovery News, 21 February 2008)

Tactical decievers indeed. Being able to hide a cache of food, as well as mislead others in to false locations, would work very well with the scorpions ability to bury itself and strike out at its prey. This would give the Squirpion hybrid a further ability beyond the gliding dive attack.

A cunning Squirpion would be able to trick cats or young children in to carefully investigating a clump of dried leaves that it had previously formed in to a mound, while lying in wait just a few inches away, ready to strike.

Related Items:

More On Squirpions… (22 February 2005)

Evil Has A New Face…And It’s Furry (22 February 2005)

]]> http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog/2008/real-life-secret-squirrels/feed/ 11 http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog/2005/more-on-squirpions/ http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog/2005/more-on-squirpions/#comments Tue, 22 Feb 2005 17:53:00 +0000 Guise Dugal http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog/?p=114 Just on Squirpions and Super-Squirpions.

“They strike during thunderstorms,” the wisened old man said, chewing on the end of his old wooden pipe. The glint of his eyes still visible through that choking haze. The girl opposite him rubbed her gloved hands together, a sign of the worry she felt inside her from what she had seen the night before.At first she thought the old man mad when he had warned her the previous week of creatures that infested these estates, now she wanted to know all the secrets this man knew. She had followed his request for the guiness and obliged in his request to start his pipe, despite her own dislike at the odour. She had not even moved back when the old man ha leaned in, bearing his yellow-brown teeth in the wide smile and spoke through his his foul breath.

“First you hear the skitter of paws. The front claws tap quickly and run across the metal inside an an air vent, or the wood beneath your floor boards. Then as you, half awakened from your slumber, look to the air vent you see that it is illuminated above your bed by the sudden flash of lightning. They watch you as you lay there, their eyes barely twitching the entire time, gleaming with reflected light.  They extend their arms towards your frame, their pinchers opening and closing in anticipation.

As you try to focus on their shadowy form, the thunder crashes around you, and that is when they leap! You see, they use these skin folds to glide down to your half-sleeping form, landing atop your bed or even your body so lightly that you barely feel their presence. Perhaps it was a dream, but then on the next crash they lunge their spiny tail, it’s tip diving into your milky flesh and you feel the pressure of their poison as it moves into your veins and it will be the last thing you feel.”

The old man sat back, his body seemed to have been drained from the telling of his story. He moved slowly, unbuttoning the top of his grey shirt and pulling back the left side to reveal a deep fleshy scar, “You never feel their pinchers, but you watch as they rip into you, your eyelids can not close the entire time. It is like a nightmare you are unable to change. Once they’ve had their fill they will hide once more, pray that they find their way out elsewise they will remember their easy prey. You must be aware of the dangers and fear the Squirpion!”

Eerie thing is, I had the guy from the Jasper Carrott story of getting rid of moles in mind when I was writing this, “Ar, there’s only one way to get rid of a mole…BLOW ‘IS BLOODY ‘EAD ORF!”

So, heres some details on the Squirpions

•  
  Origin : Unknown evolution.
  Size : Head / Body 23 – 30 cm, tail 15 – 25 cm. Weight 300 – 700g.
  Description : Most commonly adorned in a grey coat, though it may contain a number of brown hairs. The tail is hardened and uncovered, featuring a large sharp point that is used to inject toxin. Pinchers on front legs/arms are used to tear and crush.
  Habitat :  Prefer urban parks and gardens. Most commonly found in the South of Britain, including Cornwall, Devon and Somerset.
  Nest : Often found near houses or restaurants, where food for young is plentiful.
  Young : Undocumented 

The Squirpion (Sciurus Scorpionida) is a rather new addition to British wildlife, it’s origin and evolution are mostly unknown and they are more often found in a grey furred variety.Unlike most squirrels, the Squirpions are commonly nocturnal, with major peaks of activity 2 – 3 hours after dusk and 2 – 3 hours before dawn in summer and a single evening peak in winter. They do not hibernate, nor suffer much from wet and cold, they are also accomplished swimmers and have found in ponds retrieving fish.

They are found rarely in the countryside, but tend to live in built up areas where they have taken to feed on smaller scraps of food during all seasons. The Squirpions are mostly omnivores, but are also established as hunters of larger prey, such as fish, rodents and in packs birds and small kittens.

Squirpions attack their pray using their sharp tails that can inject a non-fatal toxin into it’s prey that has a paralysing effect, while the prey is still conscious the Squirpion will use its strong, sharp pinchers to tear at flesh and nibble away while still fresh. This allows the prey to be returned to or released. Often a Squipion will use it’s inherent gliding ability, utilising loose areas of stretchy skin to make a parachute, to fall from high spots onto prey and strike quickly.

There are reports of hungry, stray Squirpions being found attacking humans, this usually results in a few hours of paralysis and scarring, but aside from any emotional anguish there are no lasting effects. As Squirpions are nocturnal, the most common attack on humans comes from squirpions trapped inside houses and on often on sleeping victims.

The most common occurences of attacks on larger prey often takes place during thunderstorms, and it has be theorised that the attacks may be tied to stresses caused by atmospheric pressures.

An even rarer variant of the Squirpion is said to exist once in every generation, these possess a greater strength and viciousness than common Squirpions, and are the variant most commonly associated with attacks on humans. This variant has been witnessed tearing fabric or leaves to make artcles to adorn it’s body. Though the belief is there is only one in each generation, the number of sightings indicate that this variant is more of a proportion of the populace and occurs as an off-shhot of the race. These have been dubbed the Super-Squirpion, Hero Squirpion or Ugly Vicious Bastard.

Tink, I’m so sorry. Really I am!

Me : and I wondered why he was asking me about irrational fears yesterday
Tink : he’s cruel
Me : indeed, you’d hate Weston…so many of those little rodent buggers
Tink : we have a ton of them at home. Parentals have a property with quite a bit of land, lots of trees
Tink : the one thing the dog doesn’t chase too
Me : heh
Me : well, it’s still better than me being ‘bothered’ by clowns, scarecrows, spiders and heights…
Tink : I have thunderstorm and scorpion phobias too The Mummy returns? Can’t watch that bit where all those critters come running out the ground
Tink : go insane
Tink : clowns I can understand… and spiders, and heights… but scarecrows?
Me : I lived in a village with a few fields with scarecrows, and my brother used to watch Wurzel Gummidge…
Tink : ahhh
Me : scarecrows that come alive on tv…and me surrounded by real scarecrows
Tink : that would scare me too
Me : I’m just lucky that I’ll never be trapped on a high ledge by a clown-spider hybrid made of straw and rags ::g::
Tink : heeheeehee
Tink : oh no
Tink : I just had the mental image of a squirrel with a scorpion tail instead of that bushy thing
Tink : that’s my nightmares sorted for the next month
Me : heh, Frankenstein style…raised from the lab during thunder and lightning
Tink : oh my god
Me : don’t forget the pinchers for paws ::smirk::
Tink : don’t mention any of this to scott he’ll bring it up constantly
Me : oh don’t worry, this could be too much fun for me to share ::snigger::
Tink : oh boy, that is not a nice image…
Tink : scorpion-squirrel hybrid?
Me : they strike during thunderstorms, first you hear the skitter of paws throw an air vent as they stalk through the metal corridors, each footstep is a skritching noise, and then they are illuminated above your bed with a flash of lightning, their arms extending as each pincher opens and closing. As the thunder crashes they leap, using the skin fold to glide down to your half-sleeping form. The next crash they lunge their tail, it’s tip diving into flesh…fear the Squirpion!!
Tink :
Tink : that’s EVIL
Me : ::smirk::
Me : no, evil would be if I now tried to photoshop a Squirpion
Tink : The thought had already crossed my mind you would
Me : ::g::
Me : I’m just trying to find good source pictures
Tink : Mentally, I had given you less than a week to produce this hybrid
Tink : Scott going to be most upset you thought of this before him
Tink : he’s taken great pleasure in torturing me
Me : he’s just semi-evil…remember all the movies, it’s alwas the british guys that are the real bad guys
Tink : ahh of course!
Tink : oh, before I forget
Tink : 8- Billy Joel… All about Soul? Or something like that…
Me : indeed!
Tink : housemates are wonderful things
Me : ::g::

Me :

Tink : oh my god
Me : SQUIRPION!!
Tink : I can’t believe you just sent that to me
Tink : it looks almost like a pokemon…
Tink : oh god, that tail
Me : muhaha!
Tink : that is so evil
Me : you realise now, I’ll have to share it ::snigger::
Tink : I still can’t believe you did that
Tink : I’ve had to reduce the IM window so I can’t see it
Me : I’m ashamed of myself and my evilness
Tink : no you’re not
Tink : you’re lovin it
Me : hey, I can ashamed and amused at the same time! I can multi-task!
Tink : rofl

I’m really sorry, but that was just the most inspiring mental image. Demonically evil mutant squirrel-scorpion hybrids!

I want to know what episodes of Pokemon Tink has been watching that it looks almost like a character. Still, “Squirpion, I choose you!”.

Oh, and I was discussing world domination with my brother, as you do, and I had an epiphany : I never want to be able to rule the world, not even with an iron fist.

Think about it, if you conquer the world there’s an awful lot of work afterwards that I don’t think most evil overlords appreciate, from setting taxes to land rights and animal grazing. Sure the tributes are great, but you can probably get more from ransom on an increased frequency with the madcap schemes. It’s a bit like Sim City, after a while it’s bound to get boring and you’ll just hand over responsibilty to someone else.

No, random attacks, inducing fear and fighting to take over the world is much better than actually succeeding in it.

But wait…this isn’t any old frog…it’s a mutant.

Six-eyed monster
A freak frog with three heads, six legs and one body made some curious nursery school children jump out of their skin.Shocked youngsters ran to tell stunned staff about the discovery of the weird amphibian at the Green Umbrella Nursery in Weston.

Leader of the Milton group, Rebecca Twin, said: “We thought there were three frogs on top of each other. Then it leapt up and we realised it was the same creature, with three bodies fused together. We think it’s pregnant, so who knows what might come out.”

(Source : Weston & Somerset Mercury, 05 March 2004)

Example of Local Residents

Body found after seven months
A 61-year-old woman was found dead in bed after lying undiscovered for seven months.
A 61-year-old woman was found dead in bed after lying undiscovered for seven months.

The skeleton of 61-year-old Jackie Smith was spotted under the bed sheets after police officers broke in to her Weston home on February 21.

The former British Aerospace aircraft inspector, who had an acute drinking problem, had not been seen for over half a year.

Her mother, 86-year-old Margaret Redfern, drove to Weston with her son on February 20 in a bid to find her daughter. She had not seen or heard from her since August 3, 2003.

But Mrs Redfern said her worst fears were confirmed when officers fought their way through a giant mound of post at the privately-owned flat in Devonshire Court, Moorland Road, and found her decaying body.

Mrs Redfern said: “I just keep asking ‘why?’ I can’t understand why nobody raised the alarm.

“One of the neighbours in the development even told me they pushed her mail through every day, onto the growing pile of letters, for security reasons.

“People should have been asking more questions.

“Although Jackie was married I don’t know where her husband is. She married Alan, who was 75-years-old, about eight years ago and I think they were happy together.”

Mrs Redfern says she called her daughter every morning and evening without fail since August, after returning to her home after visiting the resort.

“Jackie didn’t answer her phone but I thought she just needed some space.

“There comes a time in a mother’s life when you have to let your children make their own decisions.

“I thought she just needed to get away and have some time on her own.”

Jackie moved to Weston four years ago after she was found unconscious following a binge drinking session at her home in Kingston-upon-Thames.

She spent nearly two years in a rehabilitation centre and a ‘dry house’ before buying her own flat in Devonshire Court.

She attended the YMCA Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) home group, at one time visiting on a daily basis.

Mrs Redfern said: “She was incredibly popular and had many friends in the area.

“She knew she had a problem but she was trying to do something about it.

“She loved the theatre and regularly went to see shows at The Playhouse.

“I feel like a huge part of meis missing and it’s devastating to think of how she has spent the last seven months.

“It took over a week to identify her. It is awful not to be able to arrange your daughter’s funeral because she cannot be recognised.

“The police officers wouldn’t even let me cross the doorstep because the smell and sights were unbearable, even for them.”

Staff at addiction support group ACAD issued a statement which read: “Jackie was a lovely lady and she will be missed by us all. She is no longer in pain.”

Members from the YMCA AA group also said it was a tragic loss and said they would miss a ‘kind and gentle lady’.

An inquest was opened on Monday. It is expected to be re-opened and concluded in May.

(Source : Weston & Somerset Mercury, 05 March 2004)

As I pointed out to Kristina, it comes to something when not only someone is not seen for seven months, but that Weston obviously stinks bad enough that no-one notices a seven month rotting corpse.