Our shared bedroom was covered literally from floor to ceiling with the posters and centres of the comics, and where the space wasn’t big enough for a full-sized poster there would be cut outs from adverts on the latest of the toyline. It was the sort of thing usually reserved for serial killers and stalkers.

We didn’t have that many of the vehicle sets, but we had enough of the smaller sets to outmatch the majority of our friends, but that didn’t really matter to us, because MASK was the perfect mid-ground between our other two childhood major fads – GI Joe and Transformers.

MASK had things that transformed, but unlike Transformers kept the same scale and didn’t require a degree in engineering to get it between modes. MASK had characters that seemed like typical soldier-ish and terrorist characters, but were simply defined and limited in number. It also had secret weapons and powers in the form of masks that the characters wore.

One of the best parts to MASK that kept my brother and I discussing it until…well, not until, because we still talk about it, was the levels to which you could make the masks and vehicles of MASK a reality. It was always one of those discussions that led to compromises between what was ‘ideal’ and what was ‘practicable’.

It wasn’t until a few years though that we started to take it seriously again. Bringing us back to realm of “fictional weapons vs. real destruction” was the TV show Monster Garage, the shows premise was to take a vehicle, turn it in to something else while still making it look like its original self.

The only way it could have been better would have been if the stock vehicle was also supposed to be a giant robot, but then I’d likely be writing about a different show. Oh, who am I kidding? If they’d made giant robots that transform on that show I’d be down the junkyard scouring for an axle that would work as an extra limb.

Monster Garage instead made things like a Volkswagen Beetle that could travel over a swamp and a hearse with a pneumatic digger in the back, which are perfect when you compare MASK vehicles had things like a motorbike that could launch it’s sidecar in to water (Pirana) or a van that had a pop-up turret at the back (Jackhammer).

It was just the boost I needed to start considering weapon systems that would actually be achievable using modern technology, which leads me to todays piece (you knew I’d get there eventually). To be deemed achievable, the goal needs to be that that the main part of the weapon can fit in a helmet, but will still be counted if it requires the user to carry a bit of extra kit – for example, ammo, fuel.

#8 – Dolphin

Barely even worth a mention, worn by leader of the good guys Matt Trakker, it’s a helmet that allows you to breathe underwater. You know, like a miniature scuba tank?

In fairness to Dolphin, it may be a rather sucky and simple mask but in the toyline it was part of the ‘adventure packs’ which were carded character, mask and miscellaneous pieces that were pretty cheap to buy.

#7 – Ultraflash

Ultraflash was one of the very early masks and was one of those used by Matt Trakker. It didn’t get used that much as it was only really seen when Matt was co-driving the Rhino truck, and as leader he was much more frequently seen in his flying car.

Ultraflash “disorientates with a blinding flash of light”. Basically, this one is that guy at the party who wont put his camera away and suddenly springs up right in front of you to take a snap.

#6 – Shroud

Another one of the Matt Trakker masks, this one enables the user to unleash a cloud of fog or smoke. If you’ve ever been paint balling, you’d know how easy it is to get hold of smoke grenades. This is basically the same thing but released through nozzles in the mask.

#5 – Venom/Mudslinger/Streamer

Three weapon masks that shoot liquid or semi-liquids. The problem isn’t the firing, as it would just be a matter of syringe-like ejection, but more what is being used as a weapon:

• Venom is the mask of VENOM leader Miles Mayhem and it spits corrosive acid (or in some cases poison). Which isn’t so bad, as long as it doesn’t dribble down him one ejected from the mask.

• Mudslinger is the mask of VENOM agent Lester Sludge and fires globs of mud. Not so bad a weapon if used for distraction, but overall useless.
• Streamer is the mask of MASK agent Julio Lopez and it fires thin strands of glue or tar, which wouldn’t really be that effective unless aimed for the eyes or mouth. Tar would have to be heated though, and that would just be crazy. There’s another weapon, Lava-shot, which Matt Trakker uses to fire molten lava but that’s just too stupid.

#4 – Whip/Arrow

This one may require a little compromise between the spirit of the mask and the easiest to achieve. There are two masks that I think this could apply to, the first is Whip worn by VENOM agent Vanessa Warfied and the second Arrow worn by MASK leader Matt Trakker. Whip would lash out with an electric whip, whereas Arrow shoots ‘thunderbolts’.

I think what the end result of this is couldn’t be more obvious; Air Taser. With a battery pack to send the charge and fireable darts to deliver it, you are able to give a nasty shock to anyone in range. The air tasers are already pretty compact too.

#3 – Buckshot/Stilleto/Sawblades/Totem

This one actually has two different firing mechanisms, and is purely down to choice. The three masks that I think this applies to are Buckshot worn by VENOM agent Floyd Malloy, Stilleto and Sawblade worn by VENOM agent Sly Rax and Totem worn by Nevada Rushmore.

Buckshot was used to fire high speed ball bearings. Stilleto fired flechette darts or harpoons, whilst Sawblade fired, well, saw blades. Totem, in a manner that not at all was intended to stereotype the Native American user, fired miniature explosive totem poles.

The main problem with these masks isn’t the firing mechanism but the ammunition storage. Buckshot is the easiest of them all to store, with Stilleto’s flechettes taking a second, but as they get bigger it gets harder.

There are two primary firing mechanisms I’d suggest, the first is the compressed air canister method used for paint ball guns and the other is the typical high-speed card launcher (which uses two spinning wheels and pushing an item between to launch it).

#2 – Torch

Torch was the mask of VENOM agent and all-round dunce, Cliff Dagger. Torch was simply a hefty helmet that ‘breathed fire’. This is perhaps the easiest to do in reality, all you need is something flammable and something aflame. A simple propane tank will give a nice spew of fire that will make Ricky Steamboat and Dhalsim quake.

For a more artsy look, and in a form of tribute to our friend DJ D, have a look at Rammstein live and their dragon masks (around about the 3 minutes mark).

#1 – Spectrum

Spectrum was the most often seen early mask worn by Matt Trakker in the first season of the toyline and cartoon. Spectrum was an uber-mask in that it did more than just one thing. Spectrum’s powers consisted of radio interference, shrill noise, free-fall and the ability to see in different visual spectrums.

• Radio interference devices are quite common these days through bootleggers, and many can be purchased as pocket-sized devices.

• Shrill noises can easily be transmitted through speakers mounted in the helmet.
• Free-fall could be achieved by utilising the jumpsuit that Matt uses, for example by fitting it with underarm restrained flaps of a wingsuit that can be released by verbal command.
• Infra-red and other imaging technologies are already fitted to cameras and goggles for military use, as well as in the public domain.

So, that is my take on some of the masks of MASK and barely scratches the surface of how truly awesome those masks really were, let alone how brilliant the vehicles and characters were. I might have to cover MASK and VENOM again at some time.

The cartoon and toy line Centurions is the current wistful remembrance of mine, to the best of my memory it probably only survived in the UK for one summer as I only remember a few episodes being screened on morning tv during the school holidays and barely any of my – or my brothers’ – friends having the toys that went along with the series. In part the toys were the problem, which is unusual in most cases, as usually the toys are readily available but the cartoons are never or rarely shown leading to no-one knowing what or why they are buying.

In the case of Centurions, the toys were not just bulky and bigger than most toys, but also easily the toy with the most losable parts. I know from the few friends who had Centurions that the cost and value were hard sells to parents, as Centurions were basically macho Barbie dolls. You bought a figure, then bought his matching accessories, then bought his friends and their accessories (or their rivals, of course).

It does pain me to make the Barbie comparison, but it’s true, buying the ‘Depth Charger’ Sea Assault Weapons System for Max Ray was just a matching way of buying Skipper her Jet Ski with dolphin friend.

Those accessories weren’t cheap, but they were used a lot in the cartoon series where the default kit was brushed aside, and so kids expected to have a piece of the right kit.

For one of the few times in my childhood, the Centurions actually had me preferring the good guy toys to the bad guys – not overly difficult because the bad guys in the series looked like they were constantly trapped in ironlungs. Most of my friends liked the character that was being marketed as being most likable member, Ace McCloud – not surprisingly a pilot and womaniser – though a few liked the Burt Reynolds moustache-wearing sea guy, Max Ray. Very few would go nuts for ‘the yellow guy’ or ‘land guy’, Jake Rockwell. Unsurprisingly, I really liked Jake, not because of the character, but because he had the equipment I liked best.

Ace’s weapon systems were all about strapping rockets and wings to his body and firing himself at the enemy in a way that really no-one can emulate without leading to questions in ER about how a drunk guy got that entangled in a shopping cart and why there were so many charred firework remains around him. Max’s weapon systems were all based on being under or atop water, which was ok in most cases where the attack wasn’t in the desert, the city, the mountains, the prairie, indoors…

Jake’s weapon systems mostly involved him being surrounded by the type of guns that have to be riveted to the floor, though he also had some pretty mobile accessories – his Hornet system, for example, featured a miniature helicopter and Swingshot had tank-treads. My favourite unit was Wild Weasel though.

Wild Weasel was a motorbike that surrounded Jake, but that when he reached his destination could flip up and become a stationary ‘big gun’ system.

To me, Wild Weasel had everything, it was fast and cool as a bike, but was powerful as a ‘shooty-thing’, whereas all the other characters just had things that would propel them in to the enemy like a bullet shot at a cake. Albeit, a bullet of heroism at a cake of evil. Evil and marzipan, because marzipan is vile.

How does this tie in to my misty-eyed feelings about concept vehicles that glimmer and die?

Well, imagine if you didn’t have to suddenly flip between the horizontal nature of the bike to the vertical position of the ‘shooty-thing’ in some clunky fashion, but could just seamlessly go from pursuit to assault. I know I’ve mentioned before about Toyota and the iUnit that can take you from a speedy recliner to a slow office chair, but I missed a trick on Yamaha’s contribution to awesome mobile units.

Never actually realised in the physical form, most of the Yamaha Deus Ex Machina was kept to CG representations of how it might work, but just the merest glimpses of it’s shape and structure makes me giddy.

You harness yourself in a semi-standing posture, supported by a sturdy frame, and using joysticks you drive yourself around on three wheels. As you increase speed the frame lowers you in to a sleek profile that seems to just skim fluidly and as you slow it raises you back up.

Where do I stand on this? Armour it up a little and you’ve got a movable battle platform for carrying personal weapons around without needing a jeep. It would be like a mall cop on a Segway with a gatling gun, but sleeker and sexier, zooming through the urban sprawl to the target zone and then slowing down to pacify the unruly.

I’ve had a few people tell me that I’m not alone in this desire, and I know that it’s a very common theme in tv and movies to feature just this type of thing, so I plan to pay a small homage to my personal top five flying/floating surveillance devices. This list is only my top four, and is in part based on my views on aesthetics – I like compact, shiny and efficient things.

Number 4
Random Marvel Flying Cameras (Marvel Comics)

What can I say, in comics and in cartoons Marvel sooner or later has someone hunt people down with flying cameras. In the ’90s cartoon series of Spiderman, Norman Osborn and Alistair Smythe hunt down Spidey with some robotic Spider-Slayers, leading the troops are small rocket-propelled cameras that follow Spidey as he swings through the city.

Reed Richards also had his own camera robots, which looked like mini-versions of HERBIE, and Dr Doom was reknowned for having robot everythings.

Number 3
Droids (Star Wars)

There are so many awesome droids to pick from in the Star Wars universe that I adore, and so many that I despise with a burning comparable only to the itchy kind you get after illicit night with a local in Indianapolis. But you can’t go far wrong with droids dedicated to surveillance and recording – unless you count the Hovercam from the racing scenes in Phantom Menace. You know, the one with lazy eye? Yeah.

But while Phantom Menace had a sucky hovercam mixed amongst a lot of other suckage, there is no denying the amount of win that surrounded Darth Maul, and the guy sure knew how to bring along the aces. Darth Maul’s Sith Probe Droids were small, sleek black floating balls. Silent and swift, these balls can track people unseen through busy residential areas. Just seeing Darth Maul sending the little fellas out on their mission showed that this was no amateur operation.

Also floating around during Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones was another efficient little camera droid, which looked like a cross between a bumblebee and an owl. The senate cam droid was pretty much the camera used by the domestic media, as opposed to military applications, and probably wouldn’t even be able to perform quality paparrazi work.

No mention of camera droids from Star Wars would be complete without a mention to those wonderful probe droids. Most notable is of course the mechanical jellyfish Viper probe droid from the Battle of Hoth (a droid I love so much because it used to scare me in that good Star Wars way) to the clam-shell look-a-like Prowler 1000 used by the Republic soldiers during the Clone Wars. Military spy-bots are sexah.



Number 2
Laserbeak (Transformers)

More than just a floating camera, Laserbeak was a full espionage and sabotage robot in the shape of a vulture. Even if his involvement was later cut down in favour of the much cooler designed Ratbat and he was nowhere as sleek and menacing as little kitty Ravage, Laserbeak was perhaps one of the most efficient spys in Soundwaves collective of intelligence operatives.

Laserbeak was most commonly noted for replaying audio tracks, because he was linked to a handler who transformed in to a tape player, but he did make use of a hidden video camera to record Autobot plans from time to time. Just why a robot with powerful optics required a secondary camera system to record footage and didn’t just store what it ‘saw’ is one of those “don’t ask” questions.

The other question is how Laserbeak managed to get all those camera angles, without being spotted right in front of the Autobot leadership. Either no-one thought about fixed camera positions and viewpoints or, more likely, the Autobots are just lame.

Of course, the Laserbeak from Transformers Energon took the flying camera idea a little bit further when it made the little golden bug-eyed budgie version of the classic Decepticon. They made him an Autobot that transforms between birdy, camcorder and laser gun mode.



Word has it that Laserbeak secretly films all the Transformer voyeur films that continuously fill ub the hard drive on Teletraan and was responsible for the now infamous leaked Blur Is Always Premature viral video.

Number 1
Cambot (Mystery Science Theatre 3000)

Let’s face it, Cambot had to come in here. Though I have to say that for the look, I only really like his final design of the floating eyeball – although his earlier designs did show that he was assembled from scap and so fitted a lot better.

Cambot acted as cameraman for the Satellite of Love crew, following their skits and then zooming down the access tunnel to film from the back of the theatre. Cambot never really expressed much personality beyond the Robot Roll Call where he kind of sounded like a cheesy photographer for a fashion magazine or ‘art pamphlet’, but he was a crucial part of the show.

Just to show I’m not alone in my love for these wonderful and inspiring stalkers, there are people who are trying to bring them to life. Granted they are mostly trying to create them to help blow other people up, but that’s life.

A Soldier’s Eye in the Sky

FORT BLISS, Tex. — The soldiers crouched beneath the blazing desert sun, waiting to burst into the villages in conditions similar to those they have encountered in Iraq and Afghanistan.

But this time, they got some high-tech help in an exercise intended to prove that new devices operated by the soldiers themselves can make those harrowing missions less dangerous in the future.

As the mock attack began on the sprawling military base here, tiny drones hovered overhead, peering through the windows to see insurgents gathered inside the houses. Small robots — like R2-D2 in “Star Wars” — crawled through some of the doors, flashing back live video of the startled enemy’s positions. Electronic sensors placed nearby watched escape routes. And a battery of six-foot-high missiles stood at the ready farther out in the desert to destroy vehicles that tried to rush in to help the insurgents.

“When I was in Iraq, we couldn’t see what we were busting into,” said Specialist Randall Thompson, who operates the robots. “But with this equipment, we can at least get a peek.”

….

The drones resemble flying lawnmower engines about the size of a beer keg that land on four curved wire feet. With the cameras on the drones acting like spotters, the ground-launched six-foot missiles, called “rockets in a box,” will eventually enable soldiers to destroy hostile forces more than 20 miles away without having to call in help from artillery units or other aircraft, Army officials say.

The robots could also search caves and cars at hazardous checkpoints. And the sensors could guard outposts and monitor areas cleared of insurgents, freeing more soldiers to fight.
[See full article here]
(Source: The New York Times, 11 August 2009)

Of course, we can’t forget the piece of tech that is not only high on my want list but no doubt being added to yours as soon as you hear about it: The Aeryon Scout. This is nearly everything I could hope for in a Cambot, though it lacks a ‘follow me’ feature and can only operate for twenty minutes, in that it is a quadrotor self-stabilising flying camera rig that can operate outside or indoors (even in confined spaces)

I’ve mentioned before about how my brothers and I grew up on Action Force, the UK re-brand of GI Joe, and about my support for COBRA and the Dreadnoks over the good guys of the series – for one thing, Cobra actually had a uniformed military organisation and supporting named specialists, and not just random specialists with very little back-up who went into missions solo (I don’t care how Hollywood it is, but there are very few occassions in history where one guy with a rifle has overwhelmed an entire army).

The problem with Cobra however is their inability to make the best use of their arsenal or formulate plans to the best strategic outline. In fairness, the plans in the comic books tended to be a lotter better formulated and a lot more successful, with even a few Cobra victories, but the cartoons obviously couldn’t go that way. Because GI Joe cartoons were re-dubbed in sections to make Action Force, releases were limited and we never really got regular showings, most of what we got was from VHS releases of cropped together mini-series or random compilation episodes, they still gave a good overview though.

Cobra Commander’s briefings, in my imagination, must have played out like getting a sugared-up kid with ADHD to come up with a story, you start off with a nice simple plan for world domination and the next moment you suddenly have hundreds of variables thrown in. In one of my favourite, and one of our first, videos this plays out to it’s fullest. Some of you might remember the story arc, Pyramids of Darkness. I’d worry about spoiling it, but to be honest it came out in 1985 and if you haven’t seen it by now, then you would have seen any other cartoon about heroes from a toyline and they all end the same way.

The crucial point of the plan is that Cobra will hijack a weapons satellite and, using several giant black cubes, align it to a certain orbit that will allow the weapon to disrupt all electrical operations in the Northern Hemisphere.

How the cubes actually work or what they actually do is never really touched upon, other than they somehow complete the shadowy “pyramid” over the Earth. They may just have been landmarks to ensure placement was correct by always being at certain positions relative to the satellites orientation, all that is really touched on is that they needed a super-secret facility to build them and they had to be shipped around the globe without anyone noticing them. No-one it seems thought to build them closer to the location or to use options such as a gyroscope and existing landmarks on the satellite.

It’s a simple plan, and one that the James Bond movie Goldeneye proves can border on successful when pulled by a villain who doesn’t need ritalin. Cobra Commander though decides to throw in the variables, the first is to sneak aboard a GI Joe space shuttle – despite the fact that the Crimson Twins appear to have their own personal space shuttle. Fair enough though, because the Joe shuttle probably has preset codes and flight plans that will enable it to dock with the space station.
So, Cobra uses a feint to sneak aboard, finding the secret location of the shuttle bases and hiding their troops all around waiting for the launch, so that they can sneak an extra cargo box in unnoticed. Now, I’m no leader of a terrorist army, but if I wanted to sneak something in and knew the location of a top secret base crucial to my plans, I’d probably try using my stealthiest guys to get the cargo in before launch day, rather than risking the scrapping of the mission. Luckily, Joes aren’t the kind of people to allow an attempt to disrupt a space mission to actually stop them launching, even if several weapons fired upon the shuttle.

The Cobra forces back away, and are given protection by several giant robots that emerge from a lake. Now I’m no owner of giant war robots, but if I wanted to destroy my enemies, I’d pretty much see how far I could get letting my robots squish and burn through their forces – who knows, I might not even have needed the space station. But no, for Cobra Commanders briefing it was more like “and then…and then, after we’ve used like our stealthy ways to get cargo on to the totally cool spaceship…um, GIANT ROBOTS WILL SAVE US…yeah!”

So, while the Cobra troops escape to begin moving around cubes, the Joes rocket continues into space. The cargo that Cobra left emerges, small cute creatures called Fatal Fluffies, and small cute creatures called Dreadnoks too. Zartan, stealthily hidden on the space shuttle in a manner that meant he could have actually assassinated all crew while they slept and seized control, is joined by untrained motorcycle enthusists who think firing weapons in a shuttle is a good idea – once again, this isn’t great planning, Zartan on his own, or Storm Shadow for that matter, would have taken the ship over, docked and taken the satellite before Cobra Commander could have decided finished trying to lisp his way through the lunch menu.

The Fatal Fluffies, another deviation from the best laid plans, had the ability to turn from Furby to Minotaur by the blowing of a whistle. Now I’m no genetic scientist with a penchant for creating bio-weapons, but if I created a creature that was instantly cooed over by everyone but could recieve a signal to turn into a bloodlusting brute that obeyed my commands, I’d make sure to market it at Christmas and rule to world by Boxing Day.

We then find out that the satellite has a huge ass mega-laser that can easily target and destroy single buildings. Why they are bothering with blocking out electricals when they can blow up Pentagon with the US’s own weapon, I’m not sure – especially seeing as anyone can pretty much target the thing. If Zartan had just killed everyone else on board, he could have taken over with no risk of rebellion and taken out any opposition with his death ray.

Back on terra firma, Cobra begins moving cubes around the world, because it’s only after getting their crew to space that they decide to put the actual infrastructure in place, giving more time for the good guys to regain control and spreading the terrorist forces even thinner on the ground. Had the cubes been built over time and in places closer to their final destination, there would be less delay and a lower risk threshold for Joes stopping their placement.

Despite all these flaws and these wasted plans, Cobra actually succeeds in activating the pyramid. The Northern Hemisphere gets shadowed by electricity disruption, which theoretically will have crashed planes, stopped life support systems and led to nuclear meltdowns from power plant safeties turning off, the world would never be the same and millions or billions would die in the merest blink of an eye. Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Or not.

All that is really shown is some lights flickering off and cars stop, but it’s implied that some other stuff doesn’t work too as the Joes have to use sailing ships to get around the globe. The good guys make an assault on Cobra HQ and another wasted weapon is shown, an amazing heatray that melts things and causes heatsroke, but is mounted on Cobra HQ amid mountains with precarious boulders. No-one thought to mount it on tanks apparently.

Obviously, the Joes take control of the satellite in space and on the ground they find the conveniently labelled ‘self destruct’ button.

In that moment I knew I must collect Cobra toys and not Joes, Cobra had resources and good specialists, what it lacked was a leader. My friends and my brothers all collected the ‘good guys’, but when faced with the choices of characters, I always went for the Cobra (though, vehicle wise I was mostly Joe, because I prefer vehicles made for tactics and not based on pogo sticks).

edit: For your entertainment, I tracked down the episode summaries and Joost has the episodes up (starting with Part One).

TL;DR: Heat Weapons, Electromagnetic Pulses, Giant Robots, Space Lasers. Imagine what I could do with them…

FC-D23: I hope you realise, organic, that your usurpment will not be forgotten.

Ryo: What a pity.

FC-D23: You might think that you are tough, but we are made of sturdier stuff.

FS1-D23-U3: Mainly composite materials.

Ryo: Ah-huh.

FC-D23: We are the great builders, the weaponsmiths…whereas you, you are a test pilot…a guinea pig…a…a…

FS1-D23-U1: Squidgy, fleshy crash test dummy?

FC-D23: Exactly! You should give me one reason, just one, why I shouldn’t just crush you and claim accidental control failure!

Ryo: One? How about…

Ryo: I know the codeword to trigger the brain-mines. I can literally blow your mind, you wont even be able to build a family hatchback when I’m done!

FS1-D23-U1: Gotta say, boss, that is a pretty good reason.

FC-D23: Yeah…yeah, he certainly got me. I think I need to go for an…oil change.

Moments later…

Ryo: So this is what all the fuss has been about, I’m rather disappointed. It looked a lot bigger in the schematics, but then sticking to measurements seems to be optional around these parts. The weapons leave a lot to be desired, it’s like some one scribbled a headless stickman and a shield. Oh well, better get the boss online. Hey, nice stereo.

Guise (B): Ah, Ryo! Tell me, how is my towering tyrant?

Ryo: I think it could overshadow vast nations, sir.

Guise (B): Excellent!

Ryo: Well, as long as the nations are members of the Lollipop Guild and live in bungalows…it’s a little on the, well, stumpy side.

Guise (B): But my weapons, they’ll cut a destructive swath through any opposition!

Ryo: Sure…

Ryo: …or, at least you’ll be well equipped if you have to cut ribbons or wrap birthday presents.

Guise (B): This is meant to be a dervish of a fighting machine, with weapons of awe-inspiring might. To crush opponents in my tyrannical iron fist!

Ryo: Ah, iron fist we’ve got that! Crushing, I’d like to run some tests on…but the staff have left.

Ryo: It does handle fairly well, it reminds me of a girl back at the academy when I was growing up.

Guise (B): Graceful and captivating?

Ryo: Constantly drunk and with legs that would fall open for any boy with cute hair. Ah, the number of times in my teens I rode in that coc…

Guise (B): Thank you, that’s quite enough of your sordid youth, Ryo.

Ryo: Interesting, I think maybe I’ve a screw loose…

Guise (B): Ryo, you’ve been trained by birth in my secret academy, through intellectual, physical, psychic and emotional regimes, you’ve had accelerated hormone treatment, co-ed facilities and dorms and free ‘net access since your emotional pre-teens. You’ve been trained in battle vehicle simulators, SAS methods and martial arts training. I don’t find it the least surprising or noteworthy that you are a deeply crazed individual.

Ryo: Well, actually, I meant there was a loose component on the floor and I wasn’t sure if it belonged to the mecha.

Guise (B): Loose components. Undersized war machines. Lack of vital weaponry. Ryo, someone has corrupted my experiment and when I find out who, they’ll be hell to pay!

Ryo: Hey, do you think maybe Santa just wanted to give you something to play wi…

Guise (B): Enough, I will have my vengeance! End transmission.

Ryo: Geez, so strung out. He should come with me later to chill with the post room, they always have the neatest Crayola sets.

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Ah. I must use speed and grace to my appointed errands from the upper management, bring honour to the Shuuhaijin clan and to my clan masters. It is my masters’ will that I complete my tasks dutifully, while we work our way up from mere messengers to the ranks of Chief Executives or Executors! Soon, our first stage will be complete. The mecha, with it’s sack carrying ability and letter openers of DOOM, will no doubt be up for relocation and our utilisation shall see effeciencies and promotion! The future belongs to the Shuuhaijin!

Shuuhaijin Yuki: But first, I better see if the Admin Pool needs any stationary requests to be filed…Muhahaha!

FC-D23: It just looks a little ‘pedestrian’ to me, where are the high action and heavy artillery features. It’s got nothing remotely threatening.

FS1-D23-U1: Unless you count kung fu grip and spinning blade action.

FC-D23: It’s meant to be a giant robot that will crush spirits and structures, not Action Man.

FS1-D23-U1: Action Man had better accessories anyway.

FS1-D23-U3: So did Barbie.

FC-D23: All I know is that a rotating extractor unit is going to be covered in biological waste material if there isn’t a highly imposing weapon for this thing.

FS1-D23-U5: Maybe we can use this…

FC-D23: Unit 5, what the hell is that meant to be?

FS1-D23-U5: Dual chamber blaster, they mistook inches for feet on the schematics over in High-Yield Weapon Reasearch and wanted to get rid of it before the Ethical Evaluation folks tried to count it in our WMD asset pool.

FS1-D23-U3: What do the dual chambers do? What do they contain?

FS1-D23-U5: No idea, but they fill those two colourful tubes with liquid and it merges together before firing, we were kind of rushed so I didn’t look in the manual.

FS1-D23-U1: Where’s the trigger?

FS1-D23-U5: Eh, you know those guys, they build all those weapons and never build a trigger themselves. Someone might get hurt.

FS1-D23-U1: By a weapon? How inconcievable!

FS1-D23-U3: Well, I could set up a trigger instead the handle so that by mecha command the pilot could fire the weapon without squeezing a trigger.

FC-D23: No.

FS1-D23-U3: Control?

FC-D23: Do you realise how ridiculous that is? You spend ages building a giant war robot that can withstand impact, has fully shielded body parts, has targetting sensors built in to it and then…you build a gun that it has to hold and can risk dropping? A gun thats use would stop the ability to use it’s other assets…

FS1-D23-U5: Other assets?

FS1-D23-U1: Kung fu grip.

FC-D23: Just no, it’s idiotic…

Three hours later…

FC-D23: …give a damn about Gundams. It’s this whole humanoid approach. Look at BattleTech, they didn’t mind being rugged looking and integrated weaponry sensibly.

FS1-D23-U5: Well what about Transformers, huh, Optimus had that huge gun.

FC-D23: And got it booted away enough times, whereas Megatron and Galvatron had them mounted. Even Laserbeak and Ravage had the weapons seperated!

FS1-D23-U5: Sentai! The Megazords had the swords and stuff to finish off with!

FC-D23: Megazord would drop the sword! Dragonzord had fingertip missiles and spinning tail drill, and Mega-Dragonzord with missile launchers.

FS1-D23-U5: Ha, but later Megazords got all kinds of neat, interchangeable weapons to kick enemy butt…

Three more hours later…

FS1-D23-U2: It’s not so much heavy, as it is awkward to carry. We really need special training for this.

FS1-D23-U8: You know that no-on ever bothers listening to you, right?

FS1-D23-U2: Sure.

FS1-D23-U8: Then why do you keep going on?

FS1-D23-U2: I want to get sacked, paid off and then I can chase my dreams.

FS1-D23-U8: What dreams?

FS1-D23-U2: I want to be an gigolo for gynoids…

FS1-D23-U8: Niiiice.

FC-D23: …all you have to do is look at Iron Kong, he’s got huge fists and..

FS1-D23-U2: Control?

FC-D23: Not now…then the mount shoulder cannons and back-mounted missiles. Weapons in places that would be unused and wasteful otherwise, you don’t see…

FS1-D23-U2: Yeah, but we’ve got the control chamber constructed.

FC-D23: Fine, fine…them equipping him with ground-thumping hands that he then has to use to manually grip a weapon. He’s even build to absorb recoil. He isn’t the only one…

FS1-D23-U8: They’ll be like this all day now.

FS1-D23-U2: Screw it, lets just slot it in and get some downtime already.

FC-D23: …julas Giga with its claws, tail and teeth, and then it put the huge cannon on its back! Seriously, bolts for brains what were you thinking, that this was some genius plan? And another thing…

One Hour And Forty-Three Minutes Later…

FC-D23: …because quite frankly, I don’t give a damn about the aesthetic ideals when they compromise the actual capabilities…

FS1-D23-U2: Boss, we’re done.

FC-D23: Yes, yes…of a battle system. It is about combat and survival, not Miss Teen Battlebot in some beauty pagant in…

FS1-D23-U2: As in ‘done, done’.

FC-D23: Uh-huh…some geek-filled garage, where the judges are a acne-riddled Star Trek fanboy, a greasy-haired Star Wars “Leia” cosplaying fanboy and a guy who beats one off to the SatNav…

FS1-D23-U2: Boss, it’s…ready. to. use.

FC-D23: …voiceover! Wait, what?

FS1-D23-U1: Now that is just spiffy…

FS1-D23-U3: Spiffy-keen.

FS1-D23-HUD: …with whipped cream, chopped almonds, caramel and a cherry!

FS1-D23-U5: …mommy…?

FS1-D23-U3: So, Control, what do you reckon?

FC-D23: …

FS1-D23-U3: Control?

FS1-D23-U3: Bossman?

FC-D23: It is a thing of inadequately destructive beauty…and it is ours, all ours!

FS1-D23-U3: Ours?

FC-D23: Technically, all mine, but I may let you keep it serviced, Unit 3.

FS1-D23-U3: Ohhhkay.

FC-D23: …and Unit 1, you shall be allowed to maintain communications from base to me while I sue it to it’s full capabilities.

FS1-D23-U1: Gee, thanks.

FC1-D23: I will not forget the rest of this team though, I have jobs specifically picked for you all.

FS1-D23-HUD: Yay!

FS1-D23-U2, FS1-D23-U5: Crap.

FS1-D23-U8: …I call shotgun!

FC-D23: Shotgun indeed! Cannon fodder to be exact!

FS1-D23-HUD: Won’t the boss be a bit annoyed though?

FC-D23: Boss?! I shall rule and he won’t even see it coming!

<beep beep beep>

FC-D23: Unless he’s still watching the camfeed. Balls.

Guise (B): Report.

FC-D23: Oh, hello sir…

Guise (B): Re…port.

FC-D23: Ah, yes…um…this was a barely adequate achievement. I’m drafting a memo on it: mediocre accomplishment. I’m just finding it troubling to detail my lack of interest…

Guise (B): Really? I do hope you weren’t planning something nasty, because…

FC-D23: because what, sir?

Guise (B): …because it would be a shame to detonate the compact semtex mines implanted beneath your neural cortex, ‘bot.

FC-D23: Semtex…mines…

Guise (B): Well, you never know when you might need to…data cleanse on the ethnic scale.

FC-D23: I see, sir.

Guise (B): How very intelligent of you. Now, I’m sending my own test pilot to you. He’ll take over from your team to give me an analysis of your work and the mechas performance, and a breakdown of weapon capabilities…

FC-D23: Weapons? Sir, about the weapons…really, we can run the tests…

Guise (B): My pilot has clear instructions, he is capable.

FC-D23: Yes, but it’s a source of personal pri…

Guise (B): Semtex.

FC-D23: Yes sir, we’ll await his arrival.

Guise (B): Good, just remember this is for the greater good! We do what we must…

FC-D23: …because we’re mined.

FS1-D23-HUD: Hey, boss, hey! What did he say? Did he talk about me?

FC-D23: I’m so in the shit. Maybe we can gather everybody and cobble some weapons before that test pilot…

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Hai!

FC-D23: Son of a…

FC-D23: This is supposed to be a highly secured area, how do you keep getting in here?

Shuuhaijin Yuki: A true courier is master of himself and his environment.

FC-D23: I hate you. I hate you so much…

FS1-D23-HUD: So, how are the Arm Alliance doing, boss?

FC-D23: HUD, are you going to continue to insist on creating bad team titles or do you intend to avoid a trip to the trash compactor?

FS1-D23-HUD: You prefer Limb League, right? I knew I should have gone with that!

FC-D23: Rrr. FS1-D23-U8, status report.

FS1-D23-U8: Well, I followed the instructions that Unit 3 issued and I think I’ve done a succesful assembly here.

FC-D23: You think?

FS1-D23-U8: Well, the spindly bit went in to the jagged circular bit…

FC-D23: You have no idea what you are building do you?

FS1-D23-HUD: It’s Zebedee!

FS1-D23-U3: Actually, HUD, it appears to be a cog mechanism used to produce rotational movement.

FC-D23: That doesn’t sound much like the weapon methods I was expecting…

FS1-D23-U3: Crayon, again.

FC1-D23: Any idea how it will work?

FS1-D23-U3: Well, I can only see the schematics step-by-step, but I think I’ve extrapolated what happens. First, I’ll fit this…

FS1-D23-U3: …here. So, you see the first cog connected to the power supply turns and that rotates the second.

FC-D23: Why not just rotate the first and be done with it?

FS1-D23-U3: It’s either for spacing, or just to show off superfluous mechanics.

FC-D23: I think I believe the latter.

FS1-D23-U3: This white spacer unit gives distance between the mechanism as well as acting as a mounting bracket, and seems to be sturdy enough to take minimal impact.

FC-D23: What about recoil from…Hell-drawn Abyssal Cyclone Shield, Demonic Wings of Fury, a devastating multi-phaser armament or Penance Missiles?

FS1-D23-HUD: Ooh, I didn’t know you did impressions…

FS1-D23-U3: I think if the pilot sneezed, the arm would fall off, let alone if it tried to fire a weapon.

FS1-D23-U2: Don’t think that’ll be a problem…

FS1-D23-U2: …I’m not sure the weapon systems are as top of the line as first marketted. Prepare to be amazed.

FC-D23: WHAT THE?!

FS1-D23-U2: Impressive, huh. If you close your eyes, you can almost hear the lameness breathing out of it.

FC-D23: Are those swords?

FS1-D23-U2: Yes.

FC-D23: Mounted on the Hell-drawn Ayssal Cyclone Shield?

FS1-D23-U2: Well, mounted on the crayon-drawn emerald circle.

FS1-D23-U3: Blackened swords, mounted on yellow brackets attached to a shiny green shield.

FC-D23: Who the hell hires these people?!

FS1-D23-HUD: I think it looks fetching…

FC-D23: There’s swords in freakin’ brackets?!

FS1-D23-U3: Control, are you sure they said abyssal, not abysmal?

FS1-D23-U2: It at least protects the mechanisms.

FS1-D23-U3: Protects the superfluous parts at least, the main drive cog is completely open.

FS1-D23-U2: Maybe it creates an impassable field in motion or cuts through attacking artillery?

FC-D23: They are swords…swords in brackets…

FS1-D23-U3: Unit 2, unless the attackers are armed with Nerf rockets, we’re pretty screwed…

FC-D23: Let’s get this mounted, before I impale myself on it.

FS1-D23-U3: It seems pretty weighty, I’m not even sure how stable it’ll be.

FS1-D23-U8: So, what am I doing again, Control?

FC-D23: It’s vitally important that you stand there and are prepared to catch the very important shield should it fall.

FS1-D23-U8: The very important shield that was so heavy it got all of us to lift it?

FC-D23: That’s right.

FS1-D23-U8: The very important, so heavy it got all of us to lift it shield that is equipped with twin sword blades?

FC-D23: That’s the one.

FS1-D23-U8: Is there actually a chance of it falling?

FC-D23: Oh, I hope so, Unit 8, I really hope so.

Later…

FC-D23: It’s been three hours and that damn shield is still in place.

FS1-D23-U3: Sorry sir.

FC-D23: I even through tools at it, nothing. I’d be disillusioned if the tools hadn’t fell off the shield and hit Unit 8 anyway.

FS1-D23-U3: Hopefully this may be an improvement then. The other arm appears to have a lot more wiring and hydraulics incased in its seemingly non-descript boxes, I think it may actually have some capability to it. I just have the shielding and final components to add…

FC-D23: Unit 3, that is looking strikingly not like a multi-phase armament. Are those at least missile launchers on the tips?

FS1-D23-U3: Well, they have some ignition system but no actual weaponry. That step seems to have been scribbled out. I do have some good news though, I amped up the hydraulics so this thing should have a better grip.

FC-D23: Really, then we need a test subject?

FC-D23, FS1-D23-U8: Unit 8, come here please!

FS1-D23-U8: Crushing chasis…compacting engine block…

FC-D23: Hehehe.

FS1-D23-U8: Request…permission…return…to…shield catching…

FC-D23: Hehe, I haven’t had this much fun since that time we welded HUD to the side of that prototype cruise missile…

FS1-D23-U3: …and then fired it down the mine shaft.

FS1-D23-HUD: I still get nauseaus when someone fast forwards a movie.

FC-D23: Those were the days.

FS1-D23-U1: Well, there it is.

FS1-D23-HUD: Armed and dangerous.

FS1-D23-U3: Mildly dangerous.

FC-D23: Is anyone else feeling this is getting to be…less than imposing?

FS1-D23-HUD: I think it looks pretty.

FC-D23: HUD, how would you like to take over Unit 8′s shield-catching duties. Become a real teamplayer?

FS1-D23-HUD: Oh boy!

FS1-D23-U3: I mean, what is with this colour scheme, it’s like they don’t trust us to use the right pieces in the right place if they don’t colour them differently.

FC-D23: I wouldn’t trust most of this crew to get the right pieces if I crushed their faceplates with them.

FS1-D23-U3: You don’t think it’s just a little off-putting, this grey, white and yellow mix?

FC-D23: I’m sure once the shielding plates are placed they’ll blend in with the existing colours, if that’s your concern.

FS1-D23-U3: Really…

FS1-D23-U3: So, white, yellow, grey and green are a good mix?

FC-D23: You realise I don’t actually give a damn, right?

FC-D23: Think that shielding it will hold up against heavy artillery onslaught?

FS1-D23-U3: I think it’d be asking for a miracle for it not to pop loose the moment it stands upright.

FC-D23: That reminds me, I’ll have to set shift so that Units 2 and 8 can observe its first steps.

FS1-D23-HUD: Ooh, ooh. Me too?

FC-D23: Front row, HUD, front row.

FC-D23: At least the feet look sturdy.

FS1-D23-U3: They should, they were completely pre-assembled so that we didn’t have to do anything with them.

FC-D23: Well, something should work as designed then. Unit 1, report.

FS1-D23-U1: One leg constructed, though the shankbone looks a little thin.

FS1-D23-U3: They have a pop-assembled ankle and a weighted, shielded upper leg on a single bar…the whole schematics look a little thin.

FS1-D23-U8: Well, I’ll tell you what isn’t thin…

FC-D23: Unit 8, if you end this with your mama, you’ll spend the next three months as a magnet tester.

FS1-D23-U8: Hey, we should pop that other leg in to place, Unit 1! C’mon.

FS1-D23-HUD: Ok, ok…just step back an inch…

FC-D23: HUD, do we really have need of this?

FS1-D23-HUD: The main man loves this, trust me. It’s art. You know the line, right?

FC-D23: I have several thousand gig of hard drive, multi gig RAM and a deca-core CPU. You’ve given me a forty-one byte text file to memorise. I think I’ll cope.

FS1-D23-HUD: Sweet. And…

FS1-D23-HUD: …Action.

FC-D23: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair…

FS1-D23-HUD: That was so touching.

Guise (B): Fuckwits. So many fuckwits.

FS1-D23-U1: Does anybody remember that scene in that animated Transformers movie?

FS1-D23-U8: Aw man, you mean the one where you almost see Arcee’s gas cap? You know, I spent ages with the DVD trying to pause it just ri…

FS1-D23-U1: Actually, I meant on the Planet Junk.

FS1-D23-U8: Arcee could have my planet-sized Junk any day.

FS1-D23-U2: I always prefered Crasher, she was fighty.

FS1-D23-U3: Is this really necessary?

FS1-D23-U8: Cool down, Unit 3, just because you prefer Dot Matrix…

FS1-D23-U2, FS1-D23-U8: Virgin Alarm!

FS1-D23-U1: HUD, do you have any anime docking sequence music on MP3 for atmosphere?

FS1-D23-HUD: Nah, but I could hum Blue Danube if you want.

FS1-D23-U1: Activate interlock! Dynotherms connected! Form Feet and Legs!

FS1-D23-U2: LegTrax docking, stand by!

FS1-D23-U1: This sure is a tough way to dock, I hope we get better at it.

FS1-D23-U2: We have to, we can’t get much worse.

FS1-D23-U1, FS1-D23-U2: Hehehe.

Shuuhaijin Yuki: The supreme leader ordered delivery of components for top secret plan and transfer of data and schematics, I am honour bound to follow these orders.

FS1-D23-U2: Because otherwise you must commit sekkupu?

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Worse, bukkake…but also, I get sacked.

FC1-D23: Never mind that, how did you get in here and with all that junk?

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Ah, no. Crack squad of highly trained couriers, always five acting as one to ensure delivery of vital packages. We have motto in Internal Mail ‘Our domain is the shadow. Stray from it reluctantly. For when you do, you must strike hard and fade away…without a trace”.

FS1-D23-U8: Hey, that was Master Splinter!

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Sensei Usugami-kirimi, actually.

FC1-D23: And you did all this without our notice?

Shuuhaijin Yuki: It is so, all except delivery of schematics, it is on USB and I need to know where you want me to stick it.

FC1-D23: I have a few suggestions…

FS1-D23-HUD: Ooh, I’ve never filmed medical documentaries before…except that time where the guys head exploded mid-treatment.

Moments later…

FS1-D23-U1: Well, this is a pile of…

FC1-D23: Vital components, yes, it is. Now, you’ve all got your WiFi connections to view the schematics, right?

FS1-D23-U1, FS1-D23-U2, FS1-D23-U3, FS1-D23-U5, FS1-D23-U8: Right!

FS1-D23-HUD: …no…

FC1-D23: Good. Split up and take your designated tasks, and remember acetylene torches are not a plaything.

FS1-D23-U3: So, does it ever seem weird to you guys that they mill these things with all those bumps and ridges on them?

FS1-D23-U1: Not really. I mean, how else would we get them to join up?

FS1-D23-U3: Well, chemical bonding, for starters…or good, old-fashioned duct tape.

FS1-D23-U1: That sounds like a lot of work, I think I prefer the knobbly bit in to dimply bit method.

FS1-D23-U8: Hehehe.

FS1-D23-U1: Grow up.

FS1-D23-HUD: Well, Team Torso seems to be doing quite well…

FS1-D23-U8: I did the crotch, HUD. Make sure that gets noted, ok?

FS1-D23-U1: It’s a giant war mecha, Unit 8, it doesn’t have a crotch.

FS1-D23-U8: Knobbly bit, two balls on either side. It’s a crotch, and I was the one who fused it in to place.

FS1-D23-U1: While I had to do everything else…

FS1-D23-U8: You’re just jealous of my crotch?

FS1-D23-HUD: I know I am!

FS1-D23-U1: Idiots. Why couldn’t they give me someone better to work with…

FS1-D23-U2: Seriously, we should be getting overtime for this.

FS1-D23-U1: Though I like the idea, I think we’d probably have to be expected to not perform 24/7 to be entitled.

FS1-D23-U2: That’s my point, we should be getting higher wages, shift hours and rest breaks. That’s what they get over at Apperture, man.

FS1-D23-U8: They get to shoot stuff too.

FS1-D23-U1: Man, I thought you were happy admiring your balls.

FS1-D23-U8: Hehe, they are pretty sweet.

FS1-D23-U1: Let’s just get it upright, weld up a face panel and I’ll get the next pieces.

FS1-D23-U2: Do I get hazard pay for manual handling and lifting?

FS1-D23-U8: Hehe, we got it erected.

FS1-D23-U2: Hey, um, Unit 8…what’s with the missing hand.

FS1-D23-U8: Oh, oxy-acetylene torch. Got the idea from this chat show guy.

FS1-D23-U2: Um, it doesn’t seem to be doing anything.

FS1-D23-U8: I’m buying it in installments, so far I’ve only got the gas feeds installed…but six more payments and they’ll fit a lighter.

FS1-D23-U2: So, you’re just spraying ignitable gases in to the work area?

FS1-D23-U8: Cool, huh?

FS1-D23-U1: Dammit, where did Unit 2 go?

FS1-D23-U8: He said he had an emergency meeting in somewhere less explosive. Seriously, I think he’s dissing you and the anger management classes.

FS1-D23-U3: Never mind him, Unit 1. We can wire up the sensor cones and fit the limb mounts.

FS1-D23-U1: Yeah, and likely in less time without him around.

FS1-D23-U8: And with me here, the job will be a breeze, right.

FS1-D23-U1, FS1-D23-U3: Riiiight.

FS1-D23-U8: Sweet.

FS1-D23-U1: So, we’ve got fixed pointed cones on the upper torso for varied sensor data…

FS1-D23-U8: …and balls below! What a freak.

FS1-D23-U3: Please, Unit 8, shut up.

FS1-D23-U1: …and whats the other knobbly thing?

FS1-D23-U3: Schematics state that it’s an emergency repair console.

FS1-D23-U1: Interesting looking console.

FS1-D23-U3: Yeah, well, in the digital schematics it seems to be drawn in crayon.

FS1-D23-U1: Man, I haven’t seen shoulder pads like that since Dynasty

FS1-D23-U8: It looks like an angry face, some furious Tiki statue face or worse…

FC1-D23: What are you prattling about over here?

FS1-D23-U8: ..that.

FS1-D23-U1: The torso is prepared as ordered, Control, we were reviewing it’s general appearance for defects.

FC1-D23: If you are looking for defects, Unit 1, I’d suggest looking behind the camera lens.

FS1-D23-HUD: Hi Boss! Miss me?

Guise (B): Sparks…vector sigma…cybernetic gods…robotic medics…folded space for mass conversion…

Guise (B): …but no damn instructions! Is it too much to ask for a simple “how to” on building giant war…I mean peace-keeping robots to help me spread my message of World Peace under my tyrannical rule?!

Guise (B): There must be something somewhere out there, some great oracle of all knowledge. Hmm, that’s it!

Guise (B): “Gi-ant War…hehehe…Ro-bot Buil-ding In-struct-ions”. That oughta do it. Bah, No results found for “Giant War Robot Building Instructions”.

Guise (B): Screw it! Everybody knows the best robots are always made by other robots, or provided by alien beings and floating heads. I’ll just have to use my robot servants that I got…

Guise (B): …in an untelevised story! Hollywood hack, baby!

Meanwhile, several miles below

Essential Cybernetic Science Department, DugalCorp Headquarters

FS1-D23-HUD: So, everybody gather round for the team photograph! Come on, it’s fun!

FC1-D23: Is this really necessary?

FS1-D23-U1: HUD, you’d tell me if anyone was doing rabbit ears behind me right?

FS1-D23-U8: Hehehe.

[beep-beep-beep]

FC1-D23: Hold up guys, I’ve got an incoming call. Damn, Caller ID says it’s the top office.

Guise (B): Ah, Formation Control Unit (Mark 1), Department 23, good to find you are still operational. I have an urgent mission for you. I require you to build me a giant robot prototype!

Guise (B): Now, Cybernetic Electronics and Computerized Parapsychology have been working on schematics for you to work from and the Industrial Robotics wing have milled the parts, it’s up to ECS to assemble the project and host the test drive. It’s supposed to be very much kick ass, as well as combining top of the line AI and high yield batteries, it’s supposed to have supernaturally tapped powers that feeds directly through it’s weapon systems.

Guise (B): Hell-drawn Abyssal Cyclone Shield, Demonic Wings of Fury and a devastating multi-phaser armament called the Hades Cascade. Not to mention the Penance Missiles.

Guise (B): Because, of course the main thing is to have a theme for any mecha, and animal-based weapons are so overdone these days.

Guise (B): Oh, and make sure your Highly Useful Documentation unit monitors and feeds everything. I want to know how you are progressing throughout.

FC1-D23: We have to keep HUD here? Is this really nec…

Guise (B): Yes, just do it.

FC1-D23: Yes, sir.

FS1-D23-HUD: Ok, I’m done. Unless you want to do video diaries or make a robotic love tape…I have Arcee’s number, well, I don’t, but we could spray paint one of the guys pink…

FC1-D23: Actually, the boss wants you to stick around to record us actually working.

FS1-D23-HUD: Really? Do I get to be part of a CREW? Do I have to join a union? Can I have Friday off?

FC1-D23: Just shut up and follow me.

Not Much Later…

FC1-D23: So, that’s the plan. We’re to construct a giant robot for the fleshy head of this organisation. It’s to be equipped with devastating weaponry and all manner of pretentiously named devices that do very little besides beep.

FS1-D23-HUD: And I get to record it! I’m a teamplayer!

FS1-D23-U3: What about the AI system?

FC1-D23: Unstated. Don’t concern yourself, I don’t think we’ll be needing to borrow Visual Basic for Dummies from the IT section again. We should have enough time to prepare our resources before arrival of the component pieces, everything may have been milled but they have to transfer through depart…

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Hai! Um, I mean Hi.

FC1-D23: WHAT THE…! Where the hell did you come from?

Shuuhaijin Yuki: Internal Mail Delivery. Sacred ceremonial letter opener not enough of a give away?