For those not from the UK, and indeed a vast proportion of the UK who are tabloid readers or didn’t pay attention in class (which given the numerous conversations I’ve had recently is a staggering number), I do feel the need to point out something that might come as a surprise: we are not voting for a Prime Minister.

This may come as a surprise to those who are used to an electoral system where you vote for central government directly, but it comes more of a surprise to people who expect on election day to see the leaders of the political party on their ballot sheet.

Some of you may recall that I posted a brief overview of Government in my entry Ministers in the UK – not just toffs and princlies (April 2008). Well, the General Election is used to vote for the Member of Parliament for your specific area (constituency), each MP is given a seat in the House of Commons and the division of seats is what determines who is the ruling party (or parties, in the event of a Hung Parliament where coalition is needed).

It’s actually rather shocking how many people I know who can’t name at least two candidates standing for MP in this constituency, or even who our current MP is. It isn’t that we don’t have an active MP, but that people just don’t find a reason to know. People seem to concern themselves with the National Picture, something for which we have very little effect upon.

If you consider that the largest constituency in the UK could vote unanimously on one candidate in full support of the party behind them, but the end result would be one seat, a set fraction of Parliament.

We’re also prompted to vote on local issues, because that is really all a local MP can affect, but then there’s very rarely a correlation between the party we’d trust to look after our local community and those we want running the national economy.

We also don’t get to vote on laws, and I put this in solely for those few who mentioned the Propositions that get tagged on to US elections. I rather like the idea of the public vote on legal issues, even if completely ignored by policy makers. I don’t believe the people should be the determining factor – I’ve seen some of the Prop’s that got passed stateside – but if it was a factor or could be used to garner support and awareness, I’m for it.

The Liberal Democrats have for some considerable time wanted to instigate electoral reform, including a form of proportional representation – which, as Wikipedia helpfully puts it, is aimed at securing a close match between the percentage of votes that groups of candidates obtain in elections, and the percentage of seats they receive.

Personally, I’d like to be able to hold two votes in an election, a local representation vote to elect my local MP and a proportional representation vote to elect the governing party.

As I said on Twitter recently, it feels like the election in the UK is going the way of hairstyles. You have a choice of parting your hair on the left or right (depending on which of the current two major parties you prefer), having a combover (voting the LibDem, using the fresh alive follicles to provide enough cover) or skinhead (scary thought, but there’s a likelihood we may see the BNP win seats this year). I kinda want ‘bed head’ by this point.

You see there are plenty of parties in the UK elections, many very well established and several hundred independents, all with their own policies and manifestos. here are some examples to help you:

• Labour – The current Government. Traditionally representing Working Classes until they actual got power and became New Labour and changed from socialists to socialites under Tony Blair. Compare to the way the senate gave power to a Chancellor from Naboo who then changed a Republic Senate into a Galactic Empire. Then Blair left and left Gordon Brown in charge.

• Conservatives – The current Opposition (this being basically the official runner-up). Traditionally representing the Middle Classes and London taxi drivers who wear thick gold chains around their neck. They seem to have softened since the Thatcher era, with a soft-spoken leader of the party who whenever you seem him feel a sense of reassurance that whatever policies he may put forward you could probably take him down easily in a barfight.
• Liberal Democrats – For eons the LibDems have existed as the comic relief for the electoral process, always coming in third place and providing a foil. Frequently managing to squirrel seats and hamper plots. Something, somewhere changed that though – personally I believe it was when they made Charles Kennedy party leader. Sadly they later sacked him for being far too interesting and likable, they weren’t ready for that big a step – and currently the LibDems actually look like they might gain quite a bit of influence. Some pundits are even saying that they could ‘win’ with a Hung Parliament. Compare this to TVTrope’s The Scrappy.
• Green – The environmentalist party, if they join a Hung Parliament I am hoping that in the first meeting of the House of Commons to hear the following:
  “EARTH!”
  “FIRE!”
  “WIND!”
  “WATER!”
  “HEART!”
  “Go Planet!”
  “By your powers combined, I am Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs!”

• Official Monster Raving Loony Party – Yes, it’s a proper party that has won local elections before and it has had ‘proper’ policies, such as: Refusing to sign up to the euro, but inviting the rest of Europe to join the british pound; Drivers can go straight over a roundabout when there’s no traffic coming “to make driving through Milton Keynes more fun”; Traffic cops “too stupid” for normal police work to be retrained as vicars; Withdrawal of MPs’ expenses allowance to “in future be distributed to the poor and needy so that they can waste it instead”; The introduction of a 99p coin to “save on change”.
• British National Party (BNP) – Oi, immig’ants owt. Comin’ over here doing our jobs…on time…for an agreed reasonable price…how dare you!
• UK Independence Party (UKIP) – Oi, us owt. A party dedicated to getting us out of Europe.

As you can see, with so many parties and the system so broken apart for representation in Parliament it is very hard to seize control in the UK through a democratic process – it is also not within the British mindset to hold a bloody political coup, in the mad days of Northern Rock’s banking collapse people furiously queued to withdraw their money and the only violent projectiles ever aimed at our MPs tend to have first exited a chickens behind.

I’m hoping it’s not impossible though, because I want to be elected to power. I have a manifesto with policies, I have a vision and I reckon I could free up a few hours a week to run the country as the tyrannical Primary Malevolent Benevolence.

So, look over the page for my policies and remember to vote!

Thou shalt not commit a genetic experiment

The Roman Catholic church updated its list of mortal sins yesterday to include 21st century issues such as pollution and genetic experimentation.

The new list was announced after a week-long confession refresher course for priests. Traditionally, mortal sins are those which break the Ten Commandments and include murder and adultery.

According to the Catholic faith, they must be confessed to a priest and if not absolved or forgiven, will lead to a person’s soul being condemned to hell.

But now genetic experimentation, tampering with the order of nature, pollution, social injustice, causing poverty, excessive wealth and drug abuse have been added.

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti is in charge of the Apostolic Penitentiary, the Vatican department which runs the confession refresher course.

He said: ‘Today there are various new sins which concern the rights of the individual and society and above all these are in the field of bioethics.

‘Within this, there are several fundamental violations of nature taking place – experiments, genetic manipulation, which are very difficult to control.

‘Socially there is the field of drugs which weaken both intelligence and physically, leaving many youngsters outside the church circuit.

‘Then elsewhere socially, we have inequality of wealth with the poor getting poorer and the rich getting richer, this in turns feeds an ever growing social injustice,’ he added.

(Source: Metro, 09 March 2008)

If I arrange an invasion of a Calais superstore with armed guards, they won’t be able to carry anything out because plastic bags are bad for the environment, and they have to walk to and fro because of air pollution – looks like I’ll be bringing back blimps and sailing.

It’s even gotten to the point where a guy can’t even work on combining Scorpions and Squirrels in to a single entity without the Church breathing down your neck.

The thing about the original seven deadlies was that they were created by a 6th century Pope, Gregory the Great, who at least had memorable marketting on his side. Seven Deadly Sins has a much better ring than 14 Deadly Sins or 7 Deadly and 7 A Little Less Naughty Sins. Ok, so they are calling them Social Sins, but really, how many of us are actually actively committing these sins.

The sins themselves were much better in a simplified version: Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, Sloth. Now, compare against: Bioethical violations (which they’ve so helpfully included birth control),  ‘Morally dubious’ experiments (including stem cell research), Drug abuse (and supply), Polluting the environment, Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor, Excessive wealth, Creating poverty.

Does ‘Morally Dubious’ experiments or Bioethical violations include using pesticide on plants or growing GM crops, I wonder. Is the next stage of marketting for organic fruit and veg going to be “Eat Organic…or Rot In Hell!”? Isn’t drug abuse a form of Gluttony too?

Dante gave each of the 7 deadlies a fitting punishment:

• Pride Broken on the wheel
• Envy Put in freezing water
• Gluttony Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
• Lust Smothered in fire and brimstone
• Anger Dismembered alive
• Greed Put in cauldrons of boiling oil
• SlothThrown in snake pits

So, how is the Horned One meant to punish these new sinners?

• Bioethical violations Spend existence inside a giant used condom
• ‘Morally dubious’ experiments Anal probes by a demon with a nervous twitch
• Drug abuse Marathon of Cheech and Chong
• Polluting the environment Litter picking along the shores of the River Styx
• Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor A weekend in Yorkshire
• Excessive wealth Having a golden rod slowly inserted 
• Creating poverty A marathon of Bob Geldof speeches

You want 7 Social Sins that modernise the original 7: Pissing or vomitting in someones doorway or garden because you got yourself wasted at a nightclub, Cold Calling for sales or market research, caravanning, using AOLspeak/Text message speak outside of a text message when you have no credit left, wearing fake burberry, acting gangsta, breeding irresponsibly.

Socially, there is a field of drugs which weaken both intelligence and physically, leaving many youngsters outside the church circuit, of course, some could argue that religious fundamentalists in the media who don’t do drugs can often exhibit similar intelligence and can often suffer from tremendous weight problems. Also, I’m not quite sure it’s drugs keeping kids out of church, maybe they just view it as out of touch? 

Then elsewhere socially, we have inequality of wealth with the poor getting poorer and the rich getting richer, this in turns feeds an ever growing social injustice, I’m pretty sure that if they sold off some of the artwork and buildings, lived a pious life, they could probably help this along a bit.

Here’s an idea for lowering poverty and not contributing to widening the rich-poor divide, allow family planning so that people can have the children they want and still knock boots in a healthy, loving manner.

From The Times (10 March 2008):

He said that two mortal sins which continued to preoccupy the Vatican were abortion, which offended “the dignity and rights of women”, and paedophilia, which had even infected the clergy itself and so had exposed the “human and institutional fragility of the Church”.

The mass media had “blown up” the issue “to discredit the Church”, but the Church itself was taking steps to deal with it.

Here’s an idea, deal with having your people not fucking children and being sexist bigots first and then dictate to us what else we’re doing wrong. Heck, I might actually respect you more if you took the stance “It isn’t lust if they haven’t graduated High School”.

Over the last few weeks there seems to have been an increase in the local press about the level of violence and anti-social behaviour being displayed by the under-21s in the town. According to the Weston Mercury, ‘the latest figures released by North Somerset Council show 21 per cent of violent crime in the district is committed by 10-16-year-olds and mostly in the early evening’ (source).

Recent reports included a minor being caught on CCTV footage beating the living hell out of a shop assistant, alcohol-fueled vandalism, and the sort of mindless behaviour that makes you wonder what the hell is going on.

In a recent article, one trader from the Mead Vale area stated “Parents need to take responsibility. I’ve seen mums dole out alcohol and cigarettes to their kids as young as 12. The parents just chuck them out of the house and let them roam all night if they want. When a policeman does come along the kids laugh at them because they know nothing will happen. But most of the time our calls are ignored. Sometimes I feel like going down to the station and dragging an officer up here myself.”

This has long been one of the issues I’ve stated here. Sometimes, parents can not be bothered with the responsibility given to them after ‘went forth and multiplied’, or else it is a case of not being capable. It’s the same for exposure to things on TV or the Internet, or for content of video games, if the parents actually gave a damn, they’d be keeping an eye at the time, not complaining about the after effects.

There are, of course, parents who do a damn hard battle with their children to try to tackle the behaviour, but the fight is tough, and when you factor in peer pressure and the issue of the uncaring parents, it is no wonder they can’t succeed.

Yes, there should be more of a police presence, but it’s a losing battle when the minors are being sent out by parents who just don’t care enough, and don’t even have any kind of pride. One has to sympathis with the police sometimes, when they are begged for help by the public and schools, but the family of the culprits aren’t going to stop the children.

A recent investment may help curb some of the problems, but I doubt it, the problem will just shift.

Mosquito to bite against crime

A NEW anti-youth gadget which emits a noise that can only be heard by young people and a police helicopter spotlight are the two latest weapons being used in a crackdown on troublemakers in Weston and Worle.

Last week, the Weston Mercury exposed simmering summer youth problems in hotspots across the resort. This week, we can reveal that a hi-tech gadget, called the Mosquito, will be used for the first time in North Somerset when it is installed in Worle.

The new gizmo, to be set up outside Hayers in the Mead Vale Shopping Precinct, fires a high pitched sound for up to 20 metres in a 60° arc.

It can only be heard by people aged under 25, who are sensitive to the frequency of the noise emitted, and is aimed to break up gangs and move them on.

North Somerset Crime and Disorder Reduction Partnership (NSCDRP) has bought the kit. If found to be useful, it will recommend householders and businesses get their own Mosquitoes, which cost about £600.
Police in Weston are also using a helicopter to shine a bright light on youngsters drinking in parks to stop them gathering. The helicopter’s halogen spotlight beam temporarily blinds people caught in its path.

Sgt Gareth Starr said: “It helps us find youths who hide when we patrol and also finds where they are gathering so we can respond to it. The spotlight will be used to move them on as they don’t like the light shining in their faces.”

Police arrested six people and seized alcohol in Clarence Park, Grove Park and the town centre last weekend after several Weston beat officers joined forces and patrolled in an ‘antisocial’ van.

Children as young as 13 were caught drinking and 17 cans of lager, four bottles of alcopops and a large bottle of vodka were seized on Friday night.

Arrests were made for possession of a knife, carrying cannabis and drunk and disorderly behaviour.

• INTIMIDATING gangs of youngsters will be moved on from the Italian Gardens and adjacent Town Square by police from today (Fri).

  Officers have got stronger powers to deal with troublemakers in the area now it has become a ‘dispersal zone’.

  Offenders will be asked to leave for 24 hours and removed if they refuse. Persistent troublemakers could be fined up to £3,000 or face three months in jail. The order will last until October, but could be shortened or extended.

  There are also plans to ‘design out’ problems by doing things like installing bumpy pavement and adding ends to benches to stop skateboarders using them.
  Police antisocial behaviour officer Terry Crees said: “If groups gather there with the purpose of intimidating or causing a disturbance, they, and anyone who mixes with them, will be asked to move on. If people are there and are behaving themselves, that’s fine.”

  (Source: Weston Mercury, 21 July 2006)

I’d first heard about the Mosquito Teenager Repellant in last year, at the time it was being referred to on BBCs Have I Got News For You and The News Quiz, pointing out how the tables had turned and now adults would be able to annoy teenagers with persistent high-pitched whining, instead of the other way round.

The device was invented by a Welshman, Howard Stapleton, is a security consultant with experience in installing alarms for business and studied other teenage-repellents as part of his research into loitering problems before hitting on the device which emits a high-frequency sound designed to annoy people younger than 20, but which apparently people older than 30 can’t hear it. Stapleton tested on his children, trying a number of different noise and frequency levels, testing a single-toned unit before settling on a pulsating tone which, he said, is more unbearable, and can be broadcast within government auditory-safety limits at 75 decibels.

As alternatives go, some shops use “zit lamps,” which drive teenagers away by casting a blue light onto their spotty skin, accentuating any whiteheads and other blemishes. Interestingly, the same technology is used in a lot of public toilets, because the harshness of he lights is said to affect eyesight and reduce loitering and ‘cottaging’ in those areas – I can confirm that when you are desperate for a piss at a train station, and the blue light is on, it really affects your ability to even walk straight because of it’s harshness at times, and much worse after dark.

Personally, I’d like to see a reduced pocket-size sound unit, similar to Personal Attack Alarms, which can just be pulled from a pocket and activated to disperse crowds.

The follow-on part of the article, covering the dispersment order of youths in the Italians Gardens, links up to an article in the previous weeks edition, taken from the Mercury’s website:

Chavs and Goths face Gardens ban

YOUNG troublemakers could be banned from Weston’s Italian Gardens following simmering gang squabbles and nuisance behaviour there.

The well-groomed park has become a battleground for adolescent groups dubbed Chavs and Goths and at times it becomes a no-go zone for everyone else when youngsters gather there.

The police are now applying for a dispersal order for the gardens during the evenings.

If senior police officers and North Somerset Council agree to the order, bobbies will be able to move on troublemakers.

Offenders will be banned from the park for 24 hours and anyone refusing to go could be arrested and prosecuted.

Town centre beat manager Sergeant Peter Land said: “We are at the point where we are going to create a dispersal zone for the Italian Gardens.

“The problem is mainly youths gathering on an evening and doing things that are a little short of criminal behaviour, but which puts off visitors. It is things like ripping up plants and throwing mud.

“The order would mean that between designated hours we can take hold of offenders and lead them out of the park. They could face prosecution if we keep getting problems.

(Source: Weston Mercury)

I would ask for you to refer to my entry, When Two Tribes Go To War…, from 09 September 2005. In it, there had been an article of the ‘gang war’ between the Chavs and Goths of Weston fighting near the sea front. Throughout the course of the year, the fights have continued and spread across the town. Irregardless of where the Goths move, the Chavs seem to track them down.

I still hold my sympathy with the Goths, as they are the more pleasant of the two tribes, and are by far the most passive group in the town – even the ‘Sue The Bastards’ street lawyers and charity collectors are more aggresive than the Goths.

I also still hold by my comments:

Of course, there is a slight twang of humour about a gang of Reebok-branded, Burberry-capped militia marching down the street with the battle anthem of the Crazy Frog churning out from their ‘car boot sale’ mobile phone, approaching a waiting gang of lace and saffron wearing, black-eyeline Goths with a standard bearer reading the works of Shelley or reciting their latest poem on the soul destroying ability of homework. It’s a musical, it’s Weston Seaside Story!

Except, now I see more of the a story developing, a true Romeo and Juliet screen play potential. Just imagine, Romeo the Chav, named after and with the same pronunciation as the Alfa Romeo, falls for Juliet the Goth, originally called Julia but changed for dramatic emphasis. All their friends say it wont work, their parents are against each other because one set lives on a housing estate and fraudulently claims benefits whereas the other is a business banker, neither of them go to church so they don’t even have a priest to confide in. They’ll get split up when his ASBO stops him enterring the town, but he’ll break it one night and find she’s passed out from forgetting to exhale clove cigarrettes, and he’ll end up getting plastered on White Lightning.

Unfortunately, they’ll both survive, move in to a council house after she gets pregnant at 15, have a child – which due to chav tradition they’ll have to name after alcohol or a car, so they’ll reach a goth/chav compromise and name Absinthe – and claim benefit when he can’t be bothered to go back to working on ‘motors’ and she realises just how little GCSE Art is worth.

Hmm, when a Goth and a Chav mate, is the result a Choth (pr. Choff) or a Chath (pr. Chafe)? Please let it be sterile, like with mules.

“Two households, both alike, indignity.
In Weston-sup’-Mare where we lay our scene.
Where fashion drudge breaks to new thuggery,
Where vomit and blood makes civil streets unclean…”

New gadget repels teenagers

A new gadget repels gangs of teenagers by emitting a high-pitched noise that can be heard only by under 20s.

Police are backing the Sonic Teenager Deterrent, nicknamed the Mosquito because of its sound, reports the Daily Telegraph.

It annoys teenagers so intensely they have to clutch their ears. Eventually they can stand it no longer and have to move on.

But because the body’s natural ability to detect some frequency wave bands diminishes almost entirely after 20, adults are completely immune.
The £622 black box, which can be attached to the outside wall of shops, offices and homes, sends out 80-decibel bursts of pulsing sounds at up to 16khz.

It sounds to youngsters like a demented insect or a very badly-played violin.

Howard Stapleton, a businessman and former electronics apprentice at British Aerospace, who was sick of youths hanging around outside his shop, came up with the idea.

Working in his bedroom in Merthyr Tydfil, and using his four children as guinea pigs, he came up with a prototype of his device and asked the local shop to test it.

“I got it so that only my kids hated it and my fianceé and I were completely unperturbed,” he said. “We put up the prototype outside the store and almost immediately people stopped congregating.

“The beauty of it is that the noise does not have to be loud, just pitched at the right level which affects teenagers.”

(Source : Ananova, 16 February 2006)

The guy used her kids for test subjects, knowing that it was going to be distressing and he just triggered it off without hearing it himself. Wow, I’m actually quite proud of the guy, experimentation on the Welsh for effective means of torture. He was lucky, his kids could have found a frequency that neither they nor the parents could hear, and acted like it was the worst, just to screw the guy over.

An annoying noise from adults that affects teenagers, now there is a turn-up.

I can actually picture police using this to break up mobs, or used in schools to quieten classes and break up fights, even small panic alarms for old people to trigger in case of happy slappers.

It wouldn’t really be new to use sound offensively, as anyone who has heard James Blunt can confirm, and the US military in Iraq have new gear for dispersing hostile crowds and warding off potential enemy combatants by blasting earsplitting noise in a directed beam.

This actually only leads two groups that can’t really be broken up by non-lethal sound weapons: the deaf and the hard of hearing pensioner. Those pensioners are going to be freakin’ uncontrollable now.

I still want one to carry around Weston with me, randomly triggering it.

You see, this is a sticky situation. Not literally sticky, because the body would be cremated to save “Non-Status Citizen Placement Zones” (to replace ‘graveyards’) or donated to science or potentially destroyed depending on method of execution¹, so decomposition wouldn’t occur to make with the gooey it most cases. But it could be potentially embarrassing from a policy and procedure point of view.

In this case, I think, publicity wise, honesty is the best policy. So, in the event that we find out the person is innocent, and after we find the real criminal (because there isn’t much point admitting the mistake if we can’t be fully called up on it), then my Government will post a public apology outlining : what went wrong; why we couldn’t have known better; how we will improve our practices; and, that no negative impact should affect the name or acquantices of the innocent party.

Not only that, but a placeholder for the deceased will be provided in one of the “Non-Status Citizen Placement Zones”, either for free or at a discount to the family based on the case and where they request the storage.

Not only that, but we any partner will become entitled to Widows/Widowers Benefit automatically and backdated, any children will gain credits for initiatives, and any credits for married/partnered people or status-dependent that they would have been entitled to will be taken into account. My Government may also issue fruit baskets, and/or complimentary t-shirts, at local governments discretion.

Unfortunately, accidents happen, and it is a friendly Government that can hold it’s head up and say “Ok, we were wrong this time, it happens to everyone and somehow somebody died that probably shouldn’t have. We’re sorry it’s happened, shouldn’t happen again”, but it is a sensible Government that instructs people not to harp on about it and reminding them that without the death penalty they could be murdered in their bed by an axe-wielding maniac that they offended on the train by looking ‘a funny way’ at their day-glo jacket and Snoopy slippers, who was quite willing to do it because he knew he could get out years later and go axe-wielding again.

Iron Fist Tyranny : Without us, you’re firewood, baby!

Let communities dish out justice to yobs

NATIONAL service and a people’s court -where residents dish out justice for community crime – would tackle rising levels of yobbish behaviour, says one outspoken councillor.

Town councillor David Evans, who won a Home Office award for tackling antisocial behaviour problems in Preanes Green, in Worle, says residents are sick and tired of living in fear of crime and frustrated by lenient sentences given out in court.

The call for action comes in the same week that Tony Blair launched his hard-hitting Respect Action Plan – a series of tough measures to clampdown on yobbery including powers to evict nuisance neighbours, on the spot fines for low level disorder and a new National Parenting Academy.

Cllr Evans said: “Tony Blair’s Respect initiative might sound tough but it is just talk if it’s not followed through at a local level. Recently a teenager from Weston breached his antisocial behaviour order (ASBO). According to the Home Office this carries a potential fine of £5,000, but he was fined just £7.50. It is a complete mockery.”

The Liberal Democrat councillor is meeting with chief superintendent Tracy Hayler to discuss the idea of a people’s court and has written to Weston’s MP John Penrose and acting Liberal Democrat leader Sir Menzies Campbell MP calling for National Service to be reinstated.

Cllr Evans, a former physical trainer at a National Service recruitment camp, said: “If we don’t stem the problem at this level it will become septic, festering and grow out of control. A people’s court would have local people, not magistrates, dishing out local punishments. It would deal with community level crime like smashed fences and vandalised phone boxes, when more often than not no action is taken.

If someone is caught breaking a fence, a people’s court could order them to fix it plus another 10. The word to focus on should be deterrent rather than respect. I’m also suggesting one year of automatic national service for young people without jobs. The year would break down into an initial 12 weeks of basic discipline training followed by nine months learning a skill such as IT, building or carpentry. In other countries it prevents many of the yobbish behaviour problems.”

(Source : Weston Mercury, 13 January 2006)

Cllr Evans, a Liberal Democrat I might add, has hit a nail rather directly on the head, which is admitedly not quite what one would expect from a representative of the party.

A system judged by not only peers, but society as a whole. A sentence to serve the community you have damaged directly, to teach respect and responsibility. National service for those who are not in employment (though, I’d allow full time education/part time education with earning, on which the article is not covering).

I really could go in to details on my views, but you’ve seen them all before. Instead, lets just bask in the glory that they are slowly pouring through.

Went for a bacon sandwich and blue raspberryade, and then came home. On route we discussed a plan for clowns, mainly my plan with a few Tim comments that joined it together. I wish I had an MP3 dictaphone sometimes.

Tim started it by suggesting they change the parade into a shooting gallery, however, I found it more entertaining to bring back some of the more interesting elements of the circus – fights for survival. Each clown would have a knife strapped to their wrist and a tamers whip, they’d be sent into the Circus to fight to the death, and occasionally lions would be released. The clowns could use pies, but they’d be burning hot and some of the may contain nuts to add risk to the proceedings; they’d also be allowed to use oversized hammers and battery acid in a squirting flower.

Clown cars would make up the chariot race in a Death Race 2000 style, running over clowns to score points. The pedestrian clowns would be equipped with mallets to attack drivers.

Tim pointed out it wouldn’t be right, because clowns deaths aren’t funny. I illustrated the point :

Wembley Stadium, thousands in attendance, capacity crowd. Two clowns stand in the centre of the area, both wear oversized shiny red shoes, baggy trousers and have knives attached to their wrists by leather straps. They look at each other with fear in their eyes but a smile on their face. The First charges forward with knife pointing out, he gets two steps but trips over his shoes and prat falls on his face. The Second rushes in, but trips over the First, tumbles and rolls to the chorus of honks and cymbols.They stand up and look at each other. Then they look down.

They spot the knives in their chests where they’ve both managed to fall on their knives. At the same time they fall backwards, dead.

Tim sniggered, proving clown deaths have some entertainment value.

I pointed out that Jesters and Mimes would be safe, as Jesters are just sarcastic humourists with lepers clothing and Mimes are harmless, anyone stupid enough to lock themselves in a glass box is no threat. Any other clown would have to be rounded up, and agreed that this may cause some clowns to go underground, normalising their garish clothes into items like neon nylon shellsuits and reducing their make-up to a touch of eyelinr.

This isn’t unprecedented, in the secret clownhunts of the 80s and 90s, a number of clowns took this method and made a career for themselves, keeping the novelty appearance. Timmy Mallet and The Chuckle Brothers were actually evading capture under new identities.

I suggested clownhunts to be carried out in a manner of ways : get them to walk in a straight line without falling over and tumbling; throw a custard pie at them, if it hits and they punch you then they are ok, if they honk a horn then they are clowns.

Tim likened this to the FBI hunt for Communists and the idea that to avoid breaching rights how Communism was considered a disease not a political or religious belief. I agreed that this is how Clownunism should be treated. How a President would one day stand up and admit “When I was in college, I experimented with clowning. I did a prat fall…but I did not honk. It was Peer Pressure, everyone else was climbing into little cars…”

Tim pointed out that Lenny Henry had been corrupting the nation, and it’s youth, for years with this Comic Relief “Red Nose Day” idea. I agree, he’s been telling kids to try on a nose, that they wouldn’t know they liked it unless they try it, and every time the price of the nose increases and increases. Kids do it too, because their freinds, and celebrities, are all doing it. Is it any surprise they are helping famine and drought in Afrikea, they waste so much food in custard pies and baked bean baths, and use water for falling in or spraying from soda dispensers. AS Tim put it “Congratulations, you’ve managed to hold clowns responsible for all the world’s problems”, and as I told him, no, they did that themselves.

I planned to go undercover in a Happiness Patrol, dressed as the Joker, to find these clowns. After finding proof of their jovial lifestyles I would proceed to put them out of my misery.

I have to go back into town this afternoon to see Dave, luckily the clowns should be herded into parks by then to corrupt children.

I’m on to you, Clown, I’m on to you!