Monday Night Massacre (Originally aired 31/10/08).

Match 01: Hector Barbossa v. Dr Carl Hill [Winner: Barbossa, Incapacitation]

Barbossa gave an interview before the match giving his ‘support’ to his undead bretheren in the stands – playing up his both cursed and resurrected statuses in his past, calling for both of those camps to see how much they had in common and band together. Barbossa’s opponent, Hill, was more the man of science, being a former university professor and raised by the experiments of Dr Herbert West.

The fight was short, Hill is very much the rookie and with his inability to retain control of his decapitated head during his fight moves, his style was sloppy. Barbossa seemed to carry the match for the most part, his brawling skills shining through and once he recieved his sword, he was able to cut a swathe through Hill’s attacks and indeed Hill.

However, it was in the stands that the most action took place, as mob fights broke out in the undead ranks. After it was obvious that security wasn’t going to be able to have much of an impact, SSB took a commercial break. During the break, and shown only in multi-angled and slow-motion replays on retun, SSB management sent none other than SSB superstar Leatherface in to the crowd with his chainsaw and full tank of gas.

Match 02: John “Jigsaw” Kramer v. John Doe [Winner: Kramer, Submission]

Following the call-out by Billy the puppet last week, Doe stood in the centre of the arena with mic in hand. He began a rant about how Kramer was hypocritical and was really just exacting his revenge on the world, displaying the nature of Wrath. Doe’s spiel lasted a good five to ten minutes before the Frightentron echoed Kramers music and showed the montage of pig-masked, robe figure and tricycling Billy. Kramer emerged at the walkway and raised his own mic, the music died.

Kramer reiterated the threat by Bill, emphasising submitting to vice and ending with “I want to play a game.” At that moment the floor doe was standing on flipped up in two halves, crushing his back and chest. Kramer told him the only way out was to submit to the greatest of vices, overcoming his own Pride, or have the air crushed from his lungs. The referee looked questioning to other officials, but as Brain pointed out, it was a legal move as far as the rulebook was concerned.

As gears slowly turned and the vice got tighter, Doe smacked his hand three times on the vice, signalling his submission. Kramer reset the device, hovered over the defeated Doe and seemed to make a small cut on his neck.

Match 03: Carrie White (SSB Diva Champion) v. “The Vamp” Claudia [Winner: Claudia, KO]

In what at first seemed an unfair match, pitting a vampire against a psionic with control over fire, the match actually managed to sustain quite some momentum. Claudia displayed her more animalistic, predatorial style that she has been adapting while on the Sunday Slaughterhouse shows, putting White on the defensive for a large proportion of the early stages, the match may well have ended early had White not recieved a Holy Water Pistol in one of the crate drops.

Once again the match looked to end early when at the twenty-sixth minute the arena lights blinked out, the Frightentron burst with static and the same video from the White/Gillespie match replayed. However, instead of showing the “Seven Days” writing, instead the video continued on the image of the well until a straggly, soaked figure emerged from the well and crawled towards the ‘camera’, as it neared the screen wobbled and the figure plopped from the Frightentron on to the ramp. The soaked female pointed directly at White and the lights flashed back on.

Siezing the opportunity arisen from the distraction, Claudia landed a heavy blow to White, knocking her out for the count and taking the win and the belt.

As Claudia walked up the ramp she avoided the figure. After Claudia left, a rampaging Alessa Gillespie charged out and attacked the new girl from behind, a recovered White soon joined the fray and the three girls brawled, and tugged at each others hair, on the ramp until seperated by SSB official Mr Hyde and arena security.

Match 04: Jason Vorhees vs Michael Myers [Winner: Vorhees, Incapacitation]

Weapon on a Wire match. Both contenders stalked to the arena with a huge pop from the audience and stood for several minutes staring in to each others masks, their breathing carrying to the camera mics on the outskirts, high above the chainlink ‘ceiling’ slowly lowered to the starting position, the assorted weapons dangling from their cables.

As the bell rang, the pulleys slowly began to lower the ceiling and the combatants exchanged heavy punches and forearm shots to the others head. The match proceeded as a slugfest of punches and smacks with very little variation but a great display of endurance and strength. Vorhees lacked noticeable height on Myers, but made up for it with almost concrete resolve.

Myers was the first to reach for a weapon, pulling down a lead pipe and driving it straight in to Vorhees mask-covered forehead with enough impact to send the stalker backwards. The second swing landing to the side of Vorhees head, knocking him to the ground. Vorhees managed to retaliate with a lunge at Myers stomach, forcing him over and allowing Vorhees to reach for a weapon; another huge pop as he pulls free his machete.

As Myers landed blunt blows to Vorhees limbs, his opponent slashed at his body, tearing clothes and skin. Myers discarded the pipe and while reaching for a fire axe, Vorhees drove the machete in to Myers’ back. Vorhees recovered the dropped axe and drove it deep in to the spine of Myers. Myers failed to stand for the ten count and Vorhees was announced winner.

Match 01: Jame Gumb v. John Doe

After a promo cut on the Friday night show where Doe called Gumb out on being ‘envious’ of the Diva division and put forth the challenge, a lot of the forum communities were going berserk speculating how long this angle would take to play out and the potential build-up, it was rather a disappointment then to have the match almost straight off the bat. In some ways it isn’t surprising, Doe’s storylines are becoming repetitive and the majority seem to focus on wrath these days, it’s speculated he may be due for a ‘contract re-negotiation’ soon.

The match was a typical brawl, flying fists and heavy slaps. Doe made use of the scattered crates to keep a few surprises for Gumb, pulling out weapons and assist trophies, and eventually secured a very dragged out win by knock-out from a right hook.

After the match, the Frightentron flashed up, revealing the hallway to the locker rooms, and showing Doe’s door ajar. There was a slight clinking noise, the camera panned down and showed Billy, John Kramer’s mascot trundle out on his tricycle. The camera hit him face on and a voiceover played: “Hello John. For months you’ve campaigned against the sins of your fellow contenders, but have you really learnt to look to your own limits first? Perhaps it is time to submit to the greatest vice of all!”

Match 02: Dr Hannibal Lecter v. Sweeney “The Barber” Todd [Winner: Lecter, Knockout]

What started backstage as a disagreement about who was buying lunch turned in to a sanctioned match by SSB management. Todd delivered a fast, furious opening to the match with several heavy punches and clotheslines, staggering the doctor on his feet. Lecter’s comeback came first as Todd chose to showboat to the crowd, performing his ‘cut and strut’ taunt, which ended as he turned to face Lecter and the doctor crashed his head in to The Barber’s nose. Lecter managed to disarm Todd of his straight-edge razor and smashed a bottle of wine over Todd’s head.

Todd landed on the floor, his body limp and was unable to rise for the count.

Match 03: Carrie White (SSB Diva Champion) v. “Dark” Alessa Gillespie [Winner: No Contest]

Rematch. The match was yet another PK spiked match, with a multitude of destructive attacks ripping through the arena as Gillespie and White channelled their frustrations in to Slash Attacks. Gillespie triggered a ‘Puppies’ trophy assist early in the match, releasing a rain of cute labrador puppies from forty foot above White, the concussive impact shaking White enough that she almost didn’t recover in time to block the tail end of an otherwise critical combo.

At the twenty-sixth minute though, the Frightentron monitor flared up and a live feed came from the VT operator trailer; an extremely distraught man rattled off an indecipherable spiel about his dead fiance before biting down on an electrical cable, in his last moments he pressed a button on his console and a pre-recorded message played. The video was just a jumble of static and images (A glowing white ring, a wooden chair, a comb running through hair, a vomiting mouth, a face struggling against black plastic, a flaming tree, a crescent-shaped “moon”, maggots turning into people, people swimming under cloth, lamb with only three legs going inside a barn, a horse’s eye, seven severed fingers in a box, a woman looking directly forward, spinning chair, a ladder, dead horses, ladder falling, a ring with one side thicker than the other, a stone well, a scratchy font writing “Seven Days”) on the last image the static was broken by the voice of a crackling girl, and then the VT cut out.

The match was called a No Contest, much to the consternation of the audience, having been subjected to three No Contests in as many weeks.

Match 04: Freddy v. Team Midwich [Winner: Team Midwich, Count Out]

On great punning form, Beetlejuice dubbed the match a slumberjack match. Fought in the arena, David and Mara start for Team Midwich whilst eight other children stand around the fight zone, the arena goes dark and then the familiar sound of razor-nails down a chalkboard and the slow singing of children starts up – a sudden burst of pyrotechnics and Freddy stands on the entry ramp. Brain reiterates the rules as Freddy stalks to the arena, clarifying that the Children are allowed to use all PK attacks and Freddy has been granted his normally dream-based reality shifting abilities in the fight zone for the duration of the match.

The match started with Mara attempting her Mind Read ability. The move was successful, but the result was far from satisfactory for Team Midwich when instead of allowing the usual knowledge to block a coming attack, Mara took a trip in to Krueger’s psyche. Mara was needed to be escorted from the ring almost immediately as she was unable to continue in her hysterical state.

Mara’s almost identical replacement strolled in as David provided cover fire with a psionic wave, pushing Krueger back to the edge. As the new girl joined the attack, Krueger knelt and drove his clawed hand in to the ground as if to anchor himself – however, moments later four giant razor claws appeared behind the two children, stabbing them through the back.

The next two cuckoos charged on, attacking Freddy physically with punches and kicks, and as the commentators were quick and correct to point out “for smart kids, that was a dumb move against a guy with razor fingers”. The first child was deemed incapable of continuing after Krueger gouged his eye sockets, the second after Krueger took her on a guided tour of her internal organs…externally.

Female Cuckoos, 6 and 7, managed to bring a lot of the fight back to Krueger, using a range of PK fire-based attacks, causing Krueger a lot of difficulty and leading him to rash moves that caught him at the recieving end of follow-up attacks. It was only by drawing their fire towards each other, causing the two distraction, that he was able to get close enough to slash their throats.

Cuckoo 8 and 9 seemed hesitant to enter the ring, sharing a look with there fellow boy, Cuckoo 10, at arena sideline. In the arena, Freddy taunted them, tipping his hat to reveal bleached white hair which blackened, cracked and flittered off as ash. 8 and 9 enterred and hit Krueger immediately with a PK wave, knocking him to the ground, as he went to stand their eyes flashed white and Freddy disappeared from the ring. The referree counted, but Freddy never returned.

The post show “Brain Stem” phoneline with Brain informed fans that the Cuckoos had used their PK abilities to move Freddy to the boiler room of the arena and being out of the fight zone, Freddy was unable to use any ability besides walking to get back. Forums immediately jumped on whether Cuckoo 10 had assisted and interfered in the match, but no camera angles showed his eyes for confirmation.

Speculation is rampant about what the female division is going to do for their main event with Angela out of the picture as of last week and following tonight’s event, it looks like there may be something on the horizon, unless we fans are just too easily suckered in.

SSB’s website also said this week that there is due to be a Hall of Fame match running at Halloween Hackfest. I’m usually not a fan of Famer matches, because they drag out, but we’ve been promised it will be epic.

Match 01: Charles “Sleepwalker” Brady v. “Howling” Eddie Quist [Winner: Quist, Knock Out]

Fighting, quite literally, like cats and dogs. The match had the werecat Brady face up to the werewolf Quist in a clawing and biting extravaganza. The two repeatedly circled each other, diving back and forth with slashing and tearing attacks, spilling blood across the arena and leaving clumps of hair and torn flesh everywhere. The match lasted over half an hour before Quist managed a shocking Pedigree, driving Brady face-first in to the ground and knocking him out.

Match 02: Frankenhooker v. The Bride [Winner: Frankenhooker, Knock Out]

Finally meeting in the arena, after so long a build-up, Frankie’s wife comes face-to-face with Frankie’s bit-on-the-side. Bride’s traditional wrasslin’ style was a stark contrast to the street-fighting of the woman assembled from prostitutes and call girls. As Frankenhooker took to slaps and scratches at close range, Bride took to clotheslines and grappling holds.

After several minutes of carnage, Frankie himself trundled to the arena to chants of “You Suck!”. Bride laid out Frankenhooker and caught sight of Frankie, the two exchanged words, with Frankie dropping to his knee and declaring “Love. Bride.” Bride screeched and slapped Frankie firmly, but as she turned back to face Frankenhooker, she was met with a high-heel to the head. Frankie stood up and loomed over Frankenhooker, before she jumped him, wrapping her legs around him and making out. Meanwhile, the referee counted Bride out.

Match 03: Carrie White (SSB Diva Champion) v. “Dark” Alessa Gillespie [Winner: No Contest]

Fight was standard match fought in the SSB arena. Carrie’s entrance to the arena had been updated with new music and pyrotechnics, though this has been attributed by sources in the company as her own doing. The match lasted a brutal twenty-six minutes, with several instances of fireball-based Slash Attacks engulfing the ring and the opponents.

The match was closed, however, when the female referee, Jezebelle, started to grab her throat, choke and die in the centre of the arena.

Neither contestant admitted to the fatality, it was afterwards noted that it was too subtle for White and not nearly mutilatious enough for Gillespie.

For several minutes after the events with the referre the show went to a single fixed camera shot, this was because one of the VT operators was Jezebelle’s fiance, and it took some time to calm him enough to relieve and replace him for the night.

SSB management announced match would be re-scheduled for the next week.

Match 04: Tyrant v. Bad Ash [Winner: Tyrant, Knock Out]

There has been a lot of falling out in the cheap seats of stadiums of late, primarily where differing races of zombies have come in to conflict – mostly between the religious-creationists and the science-followers of the community, leading to brawls in the stands. The Deadite audience have themselves been fighting the other audience members, wanting to be seperated from having to be seated in the Zombie Zone and claiming racism and insensitivity towards their unique culture. SSB management decided to flare this up for ratings and publicity, it seems with the recent increase on Zombie/Zombie matches.

Ash stood in the arena, taunting the crowd and showboating for his Deadite fanbase, from spouting off one-liners to mocking while performing a jig. His humour faded though when Tyrant’s entrance video, courtesy of Umbrella, played over the Frightentron. Tyrant skulked to the floor slowly, a snarl and determined glare evident.

As the bell rang, Ash took no time in swinging his shotgun from behind his back and cracking off several rounds at the behemoth, slowing and wounding the creature slightly. As he cranked the last shot and fired, Tyrant rose to its full height. Ash had little choice but to discard the shotgun, throwing it at Tyrants forehead.

Tyrant lunged forward sweeping Ash off his feet and throwing him across the arena floor. Ash managed to break his fall by crashing through several wooden crates, revealing a chainsaw, baseball bat and bottle of holy water. Ash revved the chainsaw, slashing as Tyrant lunged forward again. The blade of the chainsaw cut deep in to the body of Tyrant, but the bigger contender barely wavered, slashing at Ash with its own talons.

Cut and winded, Ash fell back. Tyrant stood over him and swung a punch down on Ash’s face. Ash never made it back up for the ten count, unless you count the remains on Tyrant’s fist.

Post-show feedback from those in attendance revealed that the reason the lights were killed quickly after the last match and cameras cut quickly to Beej and Brain for wrap-up was because a slight fracas broke out in the cheap seats.

Anyway, on to the results, which is why you all come to this site!

Match 01: Christine v. John “The Hitcher” Ryder [Winner: The Hitcher, Incapacitation]

Fight was broadcast by live feed from the car park outside. In a match much anticipated since “Road to Ruin”, the blood red Plymouth Fury squared off against the blonde haired psychopath. Christine had the speed and weight advantage from early on, but The Hitcher had the agility that the car was lacking, able to dodge all but glancing blows from the car.

Hitcher’s attacks, although consistently on target, appeared fruitless. With the exception of shredding tires, the attacks did little more than give grazing.

Christine managed to smash a Slash Cube to power up her Final Slash, “Maximum Overdrive”, and accelerated for a strike against Hitcher, the attack connected but Hitcher just managed to block enough to avoid a KO, instead being forced under the revved up car.

While underneath, Hitcher managed a thrusting blow with his knife in to Christine’s fuel tank, deep enough to drain her quickly and leave her choking and unable to continue.

Match 02: Dr Giggles v. Dr Hannibal Lecter [Winner: Dr Hannibal Lecter, Knock Out]

Fight was broadcast by live feed from the ‘Operating Theatre’ stage. A most gruesome, physical display by both contenders, with Giggles slashing and stabbing at Lecter with his scalpel thoughout, while the analyst fought back with bites, gouges and choking.

Neither dominated for the majority of the match, though there were close moments when Lecter managed to land his ‘Mind Fuck’ attack, confusing Giggles enough to free up an opportunity for a heavy combo. Giggles did manage to pull off a combination of his own, while using a bonesaw weapon power-up, which left Lecter bleeding profusely.

The deciding factor came from a trophy assist activated by Lecter, which bought a range of twisted nurses from Alchemilla hospital in to the theatre, the nurses pounded on Giggles until the doctor was unable to continue.

Match 03: Angela Barker (SSB Diva Champion) v. Carrie White [Winner: No Contest]

Fight was broadcast by live feed from the Cabin Fever section of the ‘Camp Slash’ stage and was intended to be a ‘naughty nightwear’ rules match, much to the protest of many fans who had no interest in seeing ‘doughy’ White and ‘flat-rolled’ Barker slapping each other with pillows and trying to strip each other down from nightwear to underwear. However, a wardrobe malfunction during the match led to a premature suspension of proceedings when it was revealed the Barker may not have been entitled to hold the Diva title in the first place.

Match 04: Talking Tina v. Tiffany Ray [Winner: Tiffany Ray, Incapacitation]

A fast-paced catfight between the diminutive divas, with the expected levels of slapping, hair-pulling and knife-stabbing one would expect from the female division.

Tina’s lithe frame and agility saw her perform a lot of very successful aerial and gymnastically-inclined attacks, including an amazing Frankensteiner headscissors takedown, which released Tiffany on to a waiting pile of thumb tacks.

Tiffany’s unending animalistic aggression and brute strength won out though, as she painfully took to pulling the limbs from Tina’s sockets, beating her opponent with them and leaving her a lump on the arena floor.

Following this match an announcement was made by broadcast commentator, Brain “The Brain” Gremlin, that Angela Barker had been stripped of the title due to breaching rules and the title was passed to Carrie White.

Match 05: Dr Jack Griffin v. Dr Sebastian Caine [Winner: Draw]

A mentor versus student match as Hall of Fame and Slash veteran, Griffin, begins his slow wind down on his retirement tour, preparing to hand the legacy of the Invisible Man of the federation to the rookie Hollow Man. A prime example of traditional class, Griffin slowly walked to the arena in his bandages and shades before being joined by the latex ‘bodysuited’ Caine. The two stalked ach other in the arena before the bell started.

Griffin made early use of his cane, landing repeated blows to Caine’s arms, ribs and back, before strutting across the arena. It was this showboating that allowed Caine to charge with a fierce clothesline, almost tearing the head off the veteran.

Caine took the offensive, fielding wild, fast blows to Griffin, pummeling the older man on the floor. Griffin’s rage intensified and the two figures began a tossing-turning between aggressor and victim, with arms and legs flailing as they attacked one another.

After Griffin managed a knockdown, he gave the audience the ‘Unwrap’ signal to a huge pop. Slowly he unwound his bandages and disappeared before them. Caine’s body jerked and twisted, reacting to some form of assault from Griffin. Caine flailed wildly and for moments the attacks stopped, Caine tore away at his own latex covering.

For the next five minutes the referee stood looking puzzled in the seemingly empty arena, and the fans in the stadium began to get jittery. Eventually the match was called to a draw before television time ran out.